Tuesday’s Milwaukee Day festivities notwithstanding, it has been a phenomenally shitty week for our fair city. Violence has spun out of control, people are being killed, children are being shot, higher education is bracing to take a hit, and the powers-that-be are engaging in yet another tired round of finger-pointing before going back to doing nothing. It’s enough to make you lose all hope for Milwaukee, its citizens, and its future. The city, it seems, has finally become the roiling Hellmouth it’s so often portrayed as in the dark corners of the internet. Or, you know, the Journal Sentinel comments section.

But no, Milwaukee can—and will—rise above this, just as it has in the past. So until it does, why not take your mind off the insanity, if only for a moment, and participate in something completely frivolous and dumb? Namely, signing a petition to bring back Mayor Tom Barrett’s once-glorious mustache?

Yes, hot on the heels of those Paris Hilton/Summerfest Change.org petitions, someone has put together an equally ridiculous petition calling for the mayor of the 31st most populous city in the country to grow back some facial hair he ditched in 2004. “Sure, we tried to fill the void with our Bronze Fonzes and our Milverines,” laments the “Bring Back The Stache” petition, “but nothing could ever replace Mayor Barrett’s iconic mustache. […] We beg of you, Mayor Barrett, bring back the ’stache and in doing so, restore the glory of this fair city.”

Seems legit, all things considered. Why not grow it back, Mr. Mayor? Why not do everything you can to combat the current malaise of our city? And, more importantly, why let John “The Gurd Is The Word” Gurda have the Milwaukee market cornered on bushy Ned Flanders-style ’staches? Why?

As of this writing, seven people have signed the petition. We can do better, Milwaukee. We must do better.

About The Author

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Co-Founder and Editor

Matt Wild weighs between 140 and 145 pounds. He lives on Milwaukee's east side.