There are lots of reasons people go to Summerfest. Of course, the music is the main appeal of a nine-day event that calls itself “The World’s Largest Music Festival.” However, some people flock to Henry Maier Festival Park on account of the abundance of food and drinks on hand, the camaraderie and community fostered by this 57-year-old local happening, and the opportunity to relax and/or let loose on a sprawling parcel of paved land situated beside the lake during the first days of summer.
In recent years, another Big Gig draw has been the growing abundance of swag. You can get free samples of Starry and Gatorade, spin a prize wheel for a chance to win…something, nab a Gruber Law Offices shirt or pizza cutter, grab a piece of Black Creek brand cheese, and—as of this year—be handed a package of free Band-Aids on your way to take the Pepsi Zero Challenge. The list of minor rewards for giving a corporation your personal information or straight-up freebies goes on, but you get the idea.
Perhaps the most enticing and easily the most popular giveaway on the Summerfest grounds this year can be found at the north end in the retail vendor area between the UScellular Connection Stage and the Uline Warehouse Stage. Yes, we’re talking about those bucket hats being given out by Bush’s Baked Beans. If my calculations are correct, this is the second summer the No. 1 name in baked beans—suck it, Van Camp’s!—have been giving away these quirky cranium accessories at Summerfest.
Since I went home empty-handed (empty-headed?) last year, I decided I would do whatever it took to score a bucket hat with a baked bean-based pattern this time around. It didn’t matter how hot it was or how long I had to stand there. I was getting that bucket hat.
I arrived at the Summerfest grounds just after noon on Saturday and it was already about 90 degrees, which would only be worsened by the abundance of concrete and lack of shade near the Bush’s area. Instead of rushing right into my foolish venture, I had some water in the shade, caught part of Ellee Grim‘s (super enjoyable) set at the Generac Power Stage, then grabbed a Topo Chico hard seltzer to sip on as I waited in line for…lord knows how long.
By the time I got to what will heretofore be known as “the bean line” at 1:25 p.m. sharp, there were about 45 people cued up ahead of me. Apparently legitimately dangerous heat levels weren’t enough to get in the way of an opportunity to get a free hat. As I neared the end of said line to take my place, a cover band called In The Know was playing “Closer To Free” by BoDeans. What a fitting song choice for exactly what I was doing at the moment!
The one saving grace in regard to the weather was the borderline insane wind that was blowing at the backs of us collectively sweaty and sun-unprotected bean folk. At 1:28 p.m., the sign you see above and its holder were both blown over and the base started to leak water. I propped it up until someone in Bush’s employ tried to fix it, ultimately deciding to remove the sign altogether until the windy conditions improved.
By 1:30 p.m. my Topo Chico was gone. The line had barely moved and I was out of liquid. I made sure to drink a ton of water before leaving the house, but I imagine I had sweat most of it out by that point. I hoped the line didn’t take too long, lest I be forced to leave to hydrate before reaching the front.
Directly behind me in line was a woman and her service dog. At 1:34 p.m., I learned the dog’s name was “Soda Pop.” Initially, I was worried the weather might be hazardous to dogs, but I was relieved to see Soda Pop had a portable water dish and was able to stand on the artificial turf at the edge of the Bush’s display to prevent paw discomfort. Shout out to Soda Pop if you’re reading this.
Around 1:37 p.m. (now 12 minutes into this experience), I started to focus on the FuzzPop art installation looming over the Bush’s trailer that looked like a gigantic can of beans turned on its side. A thought briefly dawned on me: Is it possible this was a piece of art? In the way Andy Warhol used Campbell’s Soup cans to blur the lines of art and consumerism, maybe some brazen young artist was hijacking the most recognized brand in baked beans and utilizing it and the promise of a free bucket hat as a means of examining humanity’s perceived value of their own time and dignity. It would be quite a compelling anthropological study, really.
“It’s a pretty long line to wait in for a hat,” said one of the women directly in front of me at 1:38 p.m. Her friend agreed and they both stayed in the line, which had started to gradually shorten as I neared the 15-minute mark there.
There were still 24 people ahead of me in line at 1:41 p.m. when In The Know eased into a cover of “Creep” by Radiohead. Once they reach the song’s chorus, its lyrics suddenly had new meaning to me…the sweaty 40-year-old guy willingly getting sunburned so I could obtain a hat with a baked bean pattern on it. “I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.”
Before the song ended, my moment of introspection was halted at 1:43 p.m. when I heard a commotion a ways behind me in the line (which now extended even longer than it was when I had first joined it). I looked back and saw a black ball cap blowing in my direction. I picked it up and quickly examined it before passing it back to its rightful owner, who apparently has a thing for free headwear. It was a black snapback hat embroidered with the Pluto TV logo. “Damn,” I thought to myself. “That hat is way better than the bean hat I’m currently waiting to get.”
It’s 1:48 p.m. and the line in front of me is humming now. I’m a few people away from the bean trailer when I learn that, in exchange for signing up for the Bush’s mailing list, I’ll get my choice of hat (bean bucket hat or a snapback cap that says “Roll That Beautiful Bean Footage”) and I also get to pick one of the patch designs you see above for my desired hat. Around this same time, a guy working told the ladies in front of me “the dog from the commercials was actually here last night,” and they seemed extremely impressed by that, even though I’m guessing Bush’s has to be on, like, Duke number seven by now.
By 1:51 p.m., I’ve stepped to the edge of the bean trailer and entered in my burner email address that I use specifically for dumb shit like this. I show one of the people working that I’ve submitted the form and tell them my chosen garment request. Two minutes later, I’m the not-so-proud owner of…
…a Bush’s bucket hat with a patch that has the word “Beans” wrapped in a lasso. A full 28 minutes after first getting in line, I got my bucket hat that doesn’t fit my huge head and the memories from my time waiting for it. But there’s more!
I also got to spin a prize wheel for a chance to win prizes like a Bush’s branded can koozie, a magnet, or a T-shirt. I gave it my best The Price Is Right impersonation and landed on one of the four wedges with Duke on it.
That earned me a free T-shirt. I opted for the tie-dye variation because, like the bean hat, I think it’s absolutely hideous. I used it as a sweat rag for the rest of Saturday and will eventually relegate it to a yard work shirt.
There are only six more chances to get in the bean line and get your bucket hat at Summerfest this year. So get to the grounds early, stay hydrated, and be patient. Or just go to Goodwill in like a month when much of southeast Wisconsin realizes they’re never going to actually wear a bucket hat with baked beans on it.