Yes, it’s that time again. Time for the bright lights, the fancy clothes, the Amy Adams (we assume), the Sean Connery memorial, the political statements, the resulting Facebook posts from your uncle, and all of the awards that Ryan Coogler deserves but never wins. It’s a very exciting evening for the 11 people who win every year and something to watch (or specifically not watch) for everyone else.

In preparation for the 91st Amy Adams Academy Awards ceremony on Sunday evening, we’ve decided to hand out some of our own Oscars right here in Milwaukee. By our count, there are five burger joints in the greater Milwaukee area by the name of Oscar’s (three Oscar’s Frozen Custard & Sandwiches locations, one Oscar’s Winner’s Circle, and one Oscar’s Pub & Grill). After hours of preparation and analysis that we absolutely did not do, here are the awards that we’ve assigned to burgers offered at these locations. We’re all winners.

(Yes, we’re kidding—Sean Connery is still alive.)

Best Writing (Original Screenplay): Cheeseburger, Oscar’s Frozen Custard & Sandwiches
Best Writing (Adapted Screenplay): Oscar’s Cheeseburger, Oscar’s Pub & Grill
– Not to stereotype, but cheeseburgers are terrific writers.

Best Visual Effects: The Banh Mi Burger, Oscar’s Winner’s Circle
– Pickled veggies are catnip for the Academy.

Best Sound Mixing: The MKE Burger, Oscar’s Winner’s Circle
Best Sound Editing: The Flaca Burger, Oscar’s Winner’s Circle
– One’s covered in meat and cheese and eggs and the other’s entirely meat-free. Both sound good.

Best Short Film (Live Action): Oscar’s Hamburger, Oscar’s Pub & Grill
Best Short Film (Animated): Mushroom Swiss Burger, Oscar’s Frozen Custard & Sandwiches
– “Oscar’s Hamburger” sounds like a live action short. Animated mushrooms are adorable.

Best Production Design: California Burger, Oscar’s Frozen Custard & Sandwiches
– “This production happened right here in California!” *everyone applauds for 15 minutes*

Best Music (Original Song): Patty Melt, Oscar’s Frozen Custard & Sandwiches
Best Music (Original Score): 5 Sloppy Joe’s, Oscar’s Frozen Custard & Sandwiches
– Patty Melt and 5 Sloppy Joe’s are two bands we can’t wait to see at the Wisconsin State Fair.

Best Makeup and Hairstyling: The Macho Burger, Oscar’s Winner’s Circle
Best Foreign Language Film: Bacon Cheeseburger, Oscar’s Frozen Custard & Sandwiches
– Macho folks can do hair and makeup and bacon cheeseburgers can make foreign language films. Open your mind a little, why don’t you?

Best Film Editing: The Big Foot, Oscar’s Pub & Grill
– Editors edit millions of feet of film every year or whatever.

Best Documentary (Short Subject): The Big Aloha, Oscar’s Pub & Grill
Best Documentary (Feature): The Tailgate Burger, Oscar’s Winner’s Circle
– After seeing Super Size Me, we got horribly hooked on McDonald’s for like a month. Weird, right?

Best Directing: Ryan Coogler
– For Creed and Fruitvale Station if not for Black Panther. That guy rules.

Best Costume Design: Oscar Burger, Oscar’s Frozen Custard & Sandwiches
– Oscar Burger designed all the costumes for Birdman. Look it up!

Best Cinematography: The Gordo Burger, Oscar’s Winner’s Circle
– Sorry if you looked up Oscar Burger’s costume design career. We made that up.

Best Animated Feature Film: The Big Hongo, Oscar’s Pub & Grill
– Again, animated mushrooms are adorable.

Best Actress in a Supporting Role: Amy Adams (we assume)
– I mean, probably.

Best Actor in a Supporting Role: The Big Gringo, Oscar’s Pub & Grill
– I mean, probably.

Best Actress in a Leading Role: The Big O, Oscar’s Pub & Grill
Best Actor in a Leading Role: Big O, Oscar’s Frozen Custard & Sandwiches
We’ll have what they’re having.

Best Picture: The Winner’s Burger, Oscar’s Winner’s Circle
– It’s in the name.

About The Author

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Director of Advertising

Director of Advertising, Milwaukee Record. 10x Member, Sheboygan Polar Bear Club. 2x Winner, ORLS Spelling Bee.