In need of some late Christmas cards for co-workers, we recently ventured over to Etsy to see if we could find something unique and hopefully a little bit funny. After typing in something dull like “Funny Christmas Cards 2020” and scrolling through the results, we couldn’t help but notice the surprising amount of sketched schlongs on the front of the cards. By Page 5 of the results, we were dumbfounded with dicks. By Page 10, we were opening new tabs so that we could share some of the most ridiculous festive phallus cards with friends. (What can we say? Dicks are funny.)

Still baffled by the cacophony of Christmas card cock, we wondered if there were prick pics on the Etsy cards available for other religious holidays. Short answer, no. It appears this pecker paradox is unique to the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ. Why is that? Not a clue. Regardless, we ranked 50 of the most funny and/or weird dong-themed Etsy Christmas cards so you can gaze upon these yuletide yogurt slingers too. Enjoy!

1. Merry Christmas Cocks

2. “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas…”

3. “Merry Dickmas” 3D Pop Up

4. “Dick the Halls”

5. “Do You Want to Build a Snowdick?”

6. “Jingle Balls”

7. “Season’s Greetings”

8. “I Want to Jump on Your North Pole”

9. “Deck Your Balls in My Fanny”

10. “Get Ready for Saint Dickolas

11. “Merry Christmas!” Pop-Up Dick Card

12. “I Wasn’t Sure What to Get You for Christmas, So I Thought I Would Get You Something I Know You Really Love…” Pop-Out Card

13. Penis Snowman

14. “I’d Like to Be One of the Unhealthy Things You Put Inside Your Body This Christmas”

15. Uncut Christmas Tree Cock

16. “Merry Christmas, It Is Not Just the Ornaments That Are Well Hung”

17. “Merry Cockmas”

18. “Jingle Balls”

19. “Jingle My Bells and I’ll Guarantee You a White Christmas. Ding, Dong.”

20. “The Tree Isn’t the Only Thing Going Up This Christmas”

21. Chocolate Santa Cock

22. Candy Cane Cock

23. “You Turn Me On”

24. “Merry Xmas, You Giant Dick”

25. “Merry Christmas, Come Get Your Package”

26. “O Cum All Ye Faithful”

27. “Merry Cockmas”

28. “Everything Is Festive With a Santa Hat”

29. “All I Want for Christmas Is You (And Your Dick)”

30. “Jingle Balls”

31. “Jingle Your Balls in My Mouth”

32. “All I Want for Christmas Is You XXX (and a Blow Job)”

33. “It’s Not Just the Ornaments That Are Well Hung”

34. “Come On, Just Try One Lick”

35. “All I Want for Christmas Is Your Dick”

36. “Kiss My Tip”

37. “Merry Dickmas”

38. “I Hope You Get Me Something Really, Really Big for Christmas!”

39. “Just Two Knobs Staring at Each Other. Merry Christmas.”

40. “Happy Christmas, Wanna See What’s in My Sack?”

41. “All I Want for Christmas Is You and Your Dick”

42. “Fan-Tas-Dick, It’s the Holiday Season!”

43. “Merry Christmas, Dickhead!”

44. “Merry Christmas, Dickhead!”

45. “Merry Christmas, I’m Horny for You”

46. “Tis the Season for Deez Nuts”

47. “Put Your Nuts in My Mouth!”

48. “I Want a Really Big Dick”

49. “Can I Lick Your Candy Cane?”

50. “Blow My Nose”

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