Here at Milwaukee Record, we employ a sentient machine known as the Great Job, Wisconsin! Bot to keep track of the state’s many appearances on dopey online lists, as well as any time a national publication deigns to acknowledges our pathetic Midwest existence. Enjoy?
It’s a “Great Job, Milwaukee!” miracle, folks! Today, we’re proud—well, not proud as much as “strangely compelled”—to let you know our fair city has been featured on THREE of those dumb “Best Cities for…” lists recently. We know you’re excited, so let’s just get to ’em.
Milwaukee is the 10th “Best City For Naked Biking”
Who better to weigh in on the quality of naked bicycle riding in more than 200 U.S. markets than LawnStarter? The online lawn care service that previously conducted studies on the horniness, cleanliness, coffee caliber, and overall quality of American cities puts Milwaukee in the No. 10 slot on its recent list of Best Cities For Naked Biking.
We know there’s a vibrant biking community in Milwaukee, we recognize the city is home to the iconic and inimitable Riverwest 24, and, yes, we also know there’s a popular underwear bike ride that takes place during summertime in Milwaukee. Very little of that is referenced on LawnStarter’s article. It’s clear we belong somewhere on the list, but how did those lawn care professionals-turned-mathematicians determine Milwaukee was 10th best? Well, by taking the following factors into account, of course:
• Average Monthly Google Searches for “World Naked Bike Ride” and “Naked Bike Ride” Over Past 12 Months – 9th
• “Best Biking Cities in the U.S.” Rank – 60th
• Severity of Penalty for State Public Nudity Rule Violations – 5th
• Historical Number of Extremely Hot Days (June-September) – 22nd
• Sex Offenders per 100,000 Residents – 183rd
In conclusion, because Milwaukee searched “Naked Bike Ride” on Google a lot, isn’t extraordinarily hot in summer, and has a relatively low average number of sex offenders per 100,000 residents compared to 182 other cities, we’re a Naked Biking powerhouse. Makes sense to us! Madison ranks No. 9, by the way, and Philly takes the top spot.
Milwaukee is the 2nd best “Burger City In America”
This one actually makes sense. Milwaukee and its surrounding suburbs boast some incredible burgers, with tasty takes on protein and buns to suit any preference. However, a little-known real estate blog called Home Bay happened upon that (shockingly accurate) conclusion by using some pretty odd metrics.
Its “data” isn’t based on the undeniably high quality of Brew City’s burgs, but rather things like: Number of burger restaurants per 100,000 residents, the relatively low cost of ground beef compared to many other cities, and the low cost of McDonald’s compared to other cities on the list. Home Bay arrived upon the right answer in naming Milwaukee a great burger city, but when they showed their work, it’s apparent they lucked into doing so. Oh, and Richmond, Virginia was rated the No. 1 Burger City according to Home Bay, so we know this “study” is kind of wack.
Wisconsin is the 12 “Luckiest State In The U.S.”
Okay, so this isn’t a Milwaukee one, but consider it a bonus blurb. Lucky you! According to a gambling site called OLBG (which calls itself “The Sports Betting Community”), Wisconsin is the 12th luckiest state. “Luck” in this case refers to the number of lottery jackpot winners per one million people over a period of the last 20 years.
If this study is to be believed, Wisconsin appears to have 1.52 jackpot winners per million people over the last two decades. Elsewhere in the Midwest, Indiana comes in at No. 7 with 2.04 jackpot winners per million (all of whom probably left Indiana the moment the check cleared). Delaware has the top spot with 4.85 jackpot winners per million people.
Congrats, Milwaukee and Wisconsin. We did it! When it comes to studies conducted by less-than-reputable services in an effort to garner clicks, we’re decent-to-good at naked biking, burgers, and…luck.