Of all the things I value most in life
I see my memories
And feel their warmth
And know that they are good– “Spiral Architect” by Black Sabbath
When “real” American football failed as a religion, Tecmo Super Bowl brought us to our knees. Within a tidy 20 minutes, we’d shout unintelligible curses at each other, deride “density” games, lose all honor, and wait another 20 minutes to do it all again, assuming our inebriated eyes could still see the 13-inch TV screen. Among my best friends, no amount of time, cannabis, 311, Sabbath Bloody Sabbath, or Keystone Ice could lessen our love for Tecmo.
Countless evenings began and ended with an 8-bit dream, one that traveled left to right or right to left, depending upon the NES controller we held. The game’s curtain rose to an atmospheric interception of sanity soundtracked by Keiji Yamagishi’s chiptune opus that accelerated through our introductions to Joe Montana, Barry Sanders, and the crazed god of coke and destruction, Lawrence Julius Taylor.
Tecmo Bowl Tournaments Are Big in the Midwest
Brew City Bowl is the only proper Tecmo tourney currently taking place in Milwaukee, to my knowledge, but it is far from the only in the Midwest. Of the three big tournaments, I have participated in two, with wildly different results. I entered Tundra Bowl II in Green Bay back in 2015. I drove 100 miles, smoked a joint, and promptly beat the first two strangers I’ve ever played in Tecmo Super Bowl. I was elated…until the second round, when I got my ass kicked twice. A write-up of Tundra Bowl II exists, if you’re nuts enough to read it.
Later in 2015, I went to Madison for the granddaddy of them all. The Tecmo Madison tournament was so highly-attended (300 or so folks nationwide flock) that NFL Films made a documentary about it. If you plan to keep reading this article, stop here and watch the NFL Films Tecmo Super Bowl doc now. I’ll wait.
Incredible documentary, right? So, yeah, I participated at Tecmo Madison in 2015, and under the supervision of my buddy Erik and too much THC to recall details, I lost badly to three complete unknowns. Madison Tecmo is on hiatus, and I’ve yet to attend Tomczak Bowl in Iowa, which is going strong into its 14th year of Tecmo madness.
In Madison, moments after I realized I sucked at Tecmo Super Bowl
Older, Sober & Ready to Win
“To all my friends, it’s not the end. The earth has not swallowed me yet…”
– “Freak Out” by 311
As we close in on the 34th anniversary of Tecmo Super Bowl’s original 1991 release, I decided it was time to see if I was still any good by entering Milwaukee’s Brew City Bowl V. As I previously alluded, I played Tecmo whenever I could in the ’90s, drunk as lemurs, but by 2025, we’re down to playing once a year, which has been the norm since 2002. Plus, I could now pass any drug test…without cheating! In other words, entering the tournament was a lark, something to do, something to write about…though deep in my QB Browns heart, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I might, against all odds…win…it…all.
Cue Training Montage
Anyone who knows me understands that delusions are central to my success and adjacent, at the very least, to my many failures. My closest friends continue to offer support despite, or perhaps because of my relentless tilting, and my buddy Matt was willing to talk me through Tecmo scenarios in preparation for Brew City Bowl. Via Zoom, we considered the playbook.
For the uninitiated, Tecmo Super Bowl allots each team four run plays and four pass plays. One can choose among a standard group of options for each of the four slots. Plays run the gamut from essential, to good, to only for certain players, to absolutely useless. One must choose wisely to have any hope of success in a tournament setting against experienced players.
Chicago plays for Tecmo Super Bowl (The Bears Still Suck)
Plays cannot be changed mid-game, so play selection is the most important aspect of Tecmo, after your ability to hit buttons quickly and decisively. Matt is twice as quick and decisive as me in Tecmo but he had to work a double during the tournament, so he couldn’t join me. Regardless, he gave all he can to my training montage and wished me good luck.
Our bud and Tecmo defensive guru Schmibby-D joined briefly and advised me to “play pass and react to the run.” I thanked them both and tried to not think about the game at all, believing to have internalized all I could.
Internalizing it all
Game Day: Schmackoff *
* this is what the Tecmo referee says when you select “Kickoff” at the start of the game
I begin the day in Germantown recording my pal’s parents as part of my Voice of Experience project. After two hours of life stories and three delicious pieces of Barry’s mom’s coffee cake, I bolt back to Milwaukee and arrive two minutes early for Brew City Bowl V at Broken Bat Brewing Co. Before I take in the splendor of Steve Grogan, Jerry Rice, and Jim McMahon jerseys lingering in the Tecmo Tourney crowd, my guy Michael, accompanied with hypeman “Memo,” materializes from nowhere to offer support. I’m blindsided by emotion, as Mike and I share high school sport triumphs and defeats, and an array of nights out that quite possibly never ended. His unexpected presence puts a spring to my step.
My fans at Tecmo: Mike & Memo
I survey the competition, spying men all at or around my age, save a son obviously dragged along. One guy carries a binder of Tecmo “matchups and attributes,” and behind a laptop stands Green Bay Packer all-time rushing leader Ahman Green! What? Yes, it’s actually him and he is…a participant?
Brew City Bowl organizer Tommy Ludan and Ahman Green
The 25 participants crowd around a prize table of jerseys, championship belts, and more. We’re reminded of the rules (no “lurching,” a.k.a. the Bob Nelson nose tackle rule that forbids diving straight through the line to sack the QB) and we’re placed in five random divisions of five for a round robin event in which each member of the division plays each other once.
Rule #1: No lurching!
I speak with the guy in the Chargers Jim McMahon jersey. His dad was a big Bears fan, which led him to the dark side, as well. I am a sucker for old jerseys—in fact, I tried to track down an Eagles McMahon jersey for the tournament before settling on a Bernie Kosar 1986 Browns jersey, which didn’t arrive in time. I settled for wearing an absolutely gorgeous Warren Moon Oiler top.
Actual Ahman Green plays not actual Jim McMahon
Game One: Washington v Chicago: Thanks Jim Harbaugh, May I Have Another
The dangers of winning the toss: you choose the matchup but your opponent gets the first pick of the team. As he selects his Chicago plays, I look for a garbage can in which to lose my coffee cake. I decide against all judgement to accept the motion-heavy Washington playbook as-is, and the game begins. The Tecmo gods are on my side, despite my morbid offensive efforts. I control HOF cornerback Darrel Green on defense and intercept the inept Jim Harbaugh three times. My opponent inexplicably ignores Neal Anderson and the run game, and after the CPU Todd Bowles intercepts Harbaugh for the fifth total INT, I close out the victory with a time-expiring TD pass to Ricky Sanders. WIN: Washington 21 Bears 7
Game Two: Bills v Giants: Killing Me Softly with Phil Simms
The mixture of Tecmo amateurs (like me) and professionals has created a wide gulf between those who play this video game occasionally and those who have turned it into a religion. My opponent, a high priest of Tecmo, wins the toss and calls Bills and Giants, perhaps the “best” two teams in Tecmo. I select Buffalo. My opponent is a national Tecmo champ and shows great mercy on me by passing on every single play. As a resplendent high priestess looked on, I score first, but that is it: my counterpart reveals his restraint by waiting to run the ball until it’s time to drain the clock…I wouldn’t have been able to tackle him if I had five thumbs. I thank him for his generosity and hope to never play him again. LOSS: Bills 7 Giants 28
High Priestess of Tecmo
In between games, I learn that my opponent is one of five players in the room who are not mere mortals: they could literally beat anyone in the world at Tecmo, with the possible exception of each other. Each has at least one national Tecmo Tournament championship in their recent past.
Two Tecmo Immortals are livestreamed
Game Three: Buccaneers v Falcons: Bad Moon Rison
Looking like a very fit college baseball coach, my opponent picks the matchup and I take Tampa, as defensive back Wayne Haddix is a superhero in Tecmo. It’s a dumb choice, but so is everything I do in this game. My opponent is another Tecmo Immortal: he kindly coaches me on various fine points of the game as he and Andre Rison politely destroy my dreams, with a LOSS of 35-0.
Game Four: Browns v Jets: We’ll Meet Again…
This is the game that changes everything. I am a nut for NFL Films, which is what led me to the Tecmo Tournament back in 2015. The Jets and Browns faced off in the 1986 playoffs, going into double overtime, enamoring me to both teams, for dumb, sentimental reasons that will unravel later. However, in this game, I am stupendous.
Despite being unable to stop Wisconsin Badger legend Al Toon from catching the ball, I manage the clock and make no mistakes on offense, led by “QB Browns.” One of Tecmo‘s charming quirks is that quarterbacks Randal Cunningham (QB Eagles), Jim Kelly (QB Bills), and Bernie Kosar refused to grant their name to the game, resulting in my Cleveland team being led by “QB Browns”, who is clearly the slow but accurate side-arming Kosar. It comes down to converting a touchdown on fourth down on a pass play that is well-defended…I do an involuntary slide-shuffle out of my chair as Brown Ozzie Newsome crosses the goal line…not showboating, just genuinely gleeful with surprise. Ultimately it takes an absolutely perfect offensive and defensive and special teams game just to win by three points. WIN: Browns 17 Jets 14
Knockout Round
At this point the tournament organizer split the mortals from the immortals, creating two distinct divisions of players with skills well-matched for a single-elimination, win-or-go-home round.
Knockout Round One: Chargers v Lions
I choose the Chargers for their stout linebackers and strong defensive back Gill Byrd. My opponent is the 16-year-old son of an immortal player, which both worries and relaxes me. I figure if he’s a prodigy, it will make a good story. I also decide if he’s not that good, it will be funny to lose to a newbie.
Turns out he’s just lucky, as he recovers a fumble on the opening kickoff, scoops it up for a touchdown. Two minutes later, my running back Marion Butts fumbles, which he also returns for a touchdown. I’m down 0-14 before I can even break a nervous sweat. For better or worse, I play flawlessly conservative the rest of the way and Barry Sanders is a non-factor for the teenage Lions. I give the kid an apologetic fist bump as I close it out, 17-14. He’s cheerful in defeat and lets me know that he will remember this game for the fumbles and fun he had almost taking it to an elder. His Tecmo football future looks bright. WIN: Chargers 17 Lions 14
Knockout Round Two: Falcons v Lions
My second win-or-go-home matchup draws the Lions, again. My opponent appears crestfallen that I’ve chosen the Falcons. He turns Barry Sanders loose for a buck-seventy yards, but my runner Mike Rozier is up to the task. Despite a “play call” (in which your opponent chooses the exact play you called, causing the defense to converge as if no one is blocking on offense), Rozier slides through for an early touchdown. Late in the game, I manage to tiptoe the sideline for a touchdown that appears to defy gravity (honestly, I look out of bounds, but the Tecmo gods never explain themselves). My opponent, who clearly had Championship aspirations, is bummed, but he wishes me luck in the title game. Holy shit, I think. The title game??? WIN: Falcons 21 Lions 17
There’s a break as it’s confirmed that I am indeed heading to the Division 2 Championship Game, which will stream live on YouTube. I’m told the Division 1 Finals will play out on the stream first, so I have time to chat up other players before I pull a hamstring contemplating what teams to choose if I win the toss.
I rap with a guy who appears to have had several more beers than the other guys. He’s talking rapidly and excitedly to someone else, but he stops to congratulate me on making the D2 title game. I thank him and ask how it’s going. He’s in the D1 final four but explains he wasn’t always this good. He said he got beat badly at Madison Tecmo and decided that would never happen again. He trained by joining the online leagues (several players told me that you NEVER get better without getting into those leagues, which is where all the best players in the world go head-to-head on the regular). He’s very encouraging to me, telling me I should join and get as good as he has become. I tell him I like being casual but can’t wait to watch him play…later he will win Division 1 by a score of 20-3.
I stroll over to watch two near-immortals play the “worst” matchup: Patriots vs Colts. A sudden “Jeff George” chant breaks out and the guy with the Colts obliges by switching out starting QB Jack Trudeau for the big-armed George. Somehow this leads to him standing up and miming what appears to be a ritualistic scene of masturbation, complete with invisible ejaculate raining down on his opposing player. This is accomplished without malice and is accepted in good humor by his opponent. After another 30 seconds of mayhem, he finally chooses a play and scores a quick touchdown. Dean Biasucci provides the extra point.
Division 2 Championship Game: Dumb, Sentimental Reasons Unravel
What would my teenage Tecmo self think of my 2025 version appearing on a livestream playing the game I once thought too complicated in my friend’s Tripoli basement in 1991? “Too many plays,” I said. I like to think my 17-year old self would say “Schmakoff.”
Browns v Jets: This Time it’s Sack Religious
I win the toss, but as Ice-T said, in Body Count, “the winners lose it all someday.” Instead of Rams-Cowboys as I’d decided five minutes ago, I have a trademark change of heart. Just because I recently watched an NFL Films documentary about Bernie Kosar—his strange throwing motion, his lack of athletic ability, his intellect and shocking academic prowess (graduated from college in 2.5 years whilst quarterbacking) and his failing health due to substance misuse…yeah, he’s my sentimental reason. My opponent is the same guy I beat earlier as Browns v Jets, so he happily takes New York. My hope is to control the ball, make minimal mistakes and win 14-10 or something. You can watch the livestream here to see exactly what happened:
I play very well to begin, leading 10-7 thanks to quick decision strikes to Webster Slaughter by QB Browns. However, a trend begins that won’t end until the game is over and I have lost: Al Toon. The former Badger great is greater in Tecmo than perhaps he ever was in real life, so my opponent throws deep to the fleet receiver on just about every play. My defensive players (and thumbs) are too slow to stop the deep throws, and my sentimental run comes to an end. I am disappointed that I disappointed on the livestream. However, my opponent is gracious in victory as I am in defeat. LOSS: Jet 21 Browns 10
Tecmo Super Bowl Goes Deep
This community of Tecmo players is sincerely supportive, positive, and generous. No postering, no pouting, just good, clean fun among guys who resolutely refuse to grow up and out of our Tecmo eternal teens. (Also, Brew City Bowl V does a great thing by donating proceeds to Big Brothers Big Sisters of Metro Milwaukee.)
I chat up Ahman Green and pose for a few more pictures among the Tecmo elite before grabbing my backpack and heading home. I feel proud, knowing I was fortunate to win even one game. Looking back at the scores, I truly had to play with pure focus and intent just to outscore anyone in attendance at Brew City Bowl V. If you’ve never played Tecmo Super Bowl, I highly recommend finding a friend who also has never played. Begin a tradition of playing over beers, cannabis, chips, water, whatever…who knows, in 30 years you may find yourself among the mortals and immortals of Tecmo Super Bowl, bringing a smile to the face of friends both old and new.
This article is dedicated to my Tecmo homies: Dave Hoffman, Ralph Jo, Shane, Erik, and the OGs: Steven, Randal, Michael, and Matt.
Of all the things I value most of all
I look inside myself
And see my world
And know that it is good– “Spiral Architect” by Black Sabbath
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