As we write this, the Milwaukee Bucks are coming off an embarrassing loss to the Toronto Raptors last night, which was the team’s fifth straight defeat. Though we’re not panicking and, yes, we’re sure the currently Jrue Holiday-less team will figure things out in time for a playoff push, we’re also cool…um NOT focusing on the 2020-21 Milwaukee Bucks right now.
Instead of thinking about a team that’s currently experiencing its biggest slide in about five years, let’s have a little fun. We’ve combed the team’s all-time roster, took a few liberties with puns, and put together a Milwaukee Bucks All Food Team. After careful consideration, here’s our delicious starting five (determined by a combination of each player’s on-court talent AND how much their name relates to food) and a solid bench. Go Bucks and bon appétit!
Starting Lineup
O.J. Mayo — If we’re counting beverages too, O.J. Mayo doubly deserves a spot in the starting five.
Darvin Ham — Former Bucks player and current Bucks assistant Darvin Ham served up countless “Ham SLAM-wiches” to helpless defenders during his playing career. As he waits for his inevitable head coaching opportunity in the NBA, he could serve as the All Food Team’s player-coach.
John Salmons — Something is fishy about the way the former Bucks shooting guard/small forward pluralizes “salmon,” but the food is a great source of Omega-3s and the player was a great source of NBA threes in Milwaukee between 2009 and 2011.
Dell Curry — Before Steph Curry was lighting up the Association, his dad was a journeyman sharpshooter. Near the end of his career, Dell played 42 games with Milwaukee, where he had the best three-point percentage of his entire career. Whether we’re talking red, green, Dell, Steph, or even Seth for that matter, Curry is always good.
Vin Baker — Baker has perhaps the most indirect connection to food of anyone in the starting lineup, but he’s also the best player of the bunch. And at 6’11”, he adds some much-needed size to this somewhat small group of starters.
Bench
Jon Barry — We’d prefer Rick Barry or Brent Barry, but Milwaukee got Jon Barry for three seasons in the early ’90s. And since we don’t think Mayberry (as in “Lee Mayberry”) is an actual berry…or at least an edible one, Jon Barry will have to do.
Zaza Pachulia — In the same way everyone loves pizza (a.k.a. “Za” to youths and people who don’t have the time to say “pizza”), every NBA fan loves Zaza. Or at least they should. Zaza Pachulia rules and he would be a great big to have coming off the bench.
Ruben Patterson — Ruben Patterson played for the Bucks during the 2006-07 season. His first name sounds like the sandwich. You get it, right?
Anthony Cook — If a restaurant lacks someone with the training and nuance of a baker in its kitchen, it can call upon a cook to get the job done at a passable, near-replacement level. That seems to be the mentality the Bucks had during the 1993-94 season, when they had power forward Anthony Cook on the bench to plug in when Vin Baker needed a breather or got into foul trouble.
Doron Lamb — If you’re into things like substandard shooting guards or eating baby sheep, Lamb might be for you. Spare us the gyro meat…we’d prefer the other Greek favorite that’s currently on Milwaukee’s menu, er, lineup.
Michael Curry — Would you believe that Michael Curry and Dell Curry were on the Bucks at the same time? It’s true! In basketball and in the realm of food, you can never have too much curry.
Jerald Honeycutt — Yeah, we admit this one isn’t great. Both the player and the pun are a little lacking, but we had to round out the roster and we thought doing a Kareem/Cream thing would be cheating. So welcome to the team, Jerald Honeycutt!