To the majority of folks who have heard New Orleans band PEARS, the band is the pride of Fat Wreck Chords. PEARS’ latest record, Green Star, is on the shortlist of 2016’s best punk releases. To those who haven’t heard them, PEARS is just some band that shares its name with a fruit.
Sure, we could ask PEARS about their outstanding album, about their two European tours between now and the end of the year (one of which is in support of Rise Against), or about how they got their name. However, we decided to skip all that to focus on the important issues before PEARS come to town this weekend to play both Dummerfest’s pre-party and Dummerfest itself. We asked the eternally touring outfit to rank the best fruits to eat while on the road. PEARS drummer Jarret Nathan (left) was gracious enough to give us his thoughts, which can be seen below.
Let’s face it, the pear is one of the worst fruits. It’s the inconsistency, really. A good pear is just fine. But a bad is pear is just the fucking worst. Ask anyone what a pear most reminds them of. I guarantee they’ll say sand. That’s not a good look for a fruit. If you pay attention to any of our interviews, you know that the pear represents all that’s evil and bad in the world. And when I’m in a van, am I ever going to buy and eat pear? Hell no.
9. WATERMELON (whole)
Could you imagine trying to cut up and distribute a dang watermelon in the van? No thank you. Everything in there is already sticky enough.
8. WATERMELON (cut)
Even if I find a cup of pre-cut watermelon at a gas station or a grocery store, I won’t buy it. Why? Watermelon is just not that good. Hate me.
7. PEACH (whole)
Okay, if I were ranking fruit in general, a peach might be in the top three. I have a story for you. We were in Seattle last summer at Pike Place Market. I spent a good 20 minutes browsing around, looking for something to eat. I decided against overpriced chowder and I wasn’t in the mood for anything fried. I passed by a fruit stand and saw one of the most beautiful, not-quite-James-sized peaches I ever did lay my eyes on. I wanted that bad boy, bad. Gave ’em a buck fifty, and soon I was walking back to the van eating one of the most succulent peaches I can remember having. Wouldn’t you know it, in the hot summer air, among the bustle and flow of this northwestern gem of a city, I soon found both my hands covered in sticky peach juice.
Once I finished sucking on the pit, I pushed open a convenience store door with my chest and instantly saw a sign that said, you guessed it, “Restroom For Customers Only.” Alas, I had spent the last of my money on that very peach! With my juicy, sticky hands held proudly in the air, I approached the clerk. “Excuse me, sir, I will not be making a purchase today, but please for the love of God can I just go wash my hands?” I politely asked. He saw the pain in my face and the orange on my fingers, and escorted me to the private bathroom. Man, I tell you, if I had to shit, I would’ve been the happiest tour boy. It was the fanciest convenience store bathroom I had ever seen. 10/10. The moral of the story I guess is that peaches are delicious, but they sure are messy.
6. CANTALOUPE (cut)
You might be thinking, “Jarret, you rated a whole watermelon, so why not rate a whole cantaloupe”? My answer: that’s just silly. If I see a good looking cantaloupe in a cup at a gas station, I’ll probably buy it. It’s fine. Bonus points if the gas station has forks.
5. PEACH (diced)
Among the most refreshing packaged fruits. Just don’t spill that juice.
4. APPLE, BANANA, ORANGE
I’d say “An apple a day keeps _______ away,” but I don’t feel like being trite, and you’re on tour, so you mostly feel shitty always anyway. Apples. Lots of variety. Not very messy. Apples taste pretty great. I guess that’s it. I like to eat apples on tour. Apples, bananas, and oranges are tied because of accessibility and ease of consumption. Same goes for bananas and oranges. Except variety. There are a few oranges. There’s only one kind of freaking banana. I’m not counting plantains because that’s different and you know it.
Berries are my favorite fruit. But they’re not number one. Because they’re not cheap. But you buy one of those little cartons of either raspberries or blackberries and you’ll be feeling refreshed in no time. IMPORTANT NOTE: Please don’t drop any on the ground in the van. Dante will probably step on it, and he’s really protective of his shoes. Like that time he lost one (ONE) shoe in Germany. Please don’t drop any berries on the floor of the van. Dante will squish it and be upset.
2. GREEN GRAPES
Aw man, how good are green grapes, you guys? I’ll answer for you. Like, so good. Get a bag of grapes and they’ll last for a while. They are relatively cheap, and will fill you up good. You can snack on some nice juicy, tart green grapes for at least two whole days. If you’ve never passed around a bunch of green grapes in the van, you’re in for a treat. You can also play the classic game entitled: “Throw Green Grapes Into Your Friend’s Mouth’s But Be Really Careful Because Also They’ll Probably Fall On The Ground And Get Squished.”
1. MANGO (cut)
Oh boy, when I find myself some ripe, pre-cut mangoes for sale, I’ll turn to Erich and give him an aggressive and emotive high five. We can’t get enough of that stuff. It’s not super common to find, but sometimes you’ll get lucky. If you’re in the northeast or Florida, Wawa has ’em every time. Some grocery stores do. If you find yourself waking up in the desert in southern Nevada, the gas station near the prison with signs not to pick up hitchhikers probably won’t have them. But fuck accessibility for my champion. Mangoes win every time.