What’s funnier: the City of Milwaukee’s latest indoor mask mandate that comes along ridiculously late in the game and that won’t be enforced in any real way and that lasts a whole month, or people who are somehow still upset over this largely toothless and performative legislation? Who cares! The mask mandate is currently in effect! Shut your goddamned yaps for 10 seconds, save your fucking bellyaching, shove your exhausting Facebook comments and memes up your stupid asses, AND JUST WEAR A DAMN MASK.


So yeah, the ordinance was passed by the Common Council last Tuesday and signed by Mayor Johnson last Thursday. It went into effect on Saturday. It’s set to run until March 1, though the Common Council could end it sooner. It requires “any person over 3 years old who enters a building open to the public to wear a face covering.” There are exceptions for “performers during rehearsals or performances and individuals engaged in athletic activities.” Will it make any difference at all? Will it turn the City of Milwaukee into a “regulatory island,” driving business to nearby municipalities? Maybe, maybe not, who the hell cares for fuck’s sake JUST SHUT UP AND WEAR A DAMN MASK.


You gotta love these dipshits who think they’re Sherlock Fucking Holmes for sniffing out logical inconsistencies in COVID-related rules. “But what about this? What about that?” these brain surgeons continually drone on and on and on and on. Wait a minute: Are you saying some of these rules don’t make sense? That they’re inconsistent and possibly meaningless? NO SHIT, EINSTEIN. NONE OF THIS HAS MADE A LICK OF SENSE FROM THE JUMP. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU KNOW WHAT YOU CAN DO TO BE A NORMAL AND HELPFUL PART OF SOCIETY? SHUT THE HELL UP AND GET WITH THE FUCKING PROGRAM.

IT’S SO GODDAMN EASY. (Oh, and save the “obey” and “show me your papers” junk, too, you dumb children.)

The Milwaukee Health Department has said it won’t enforce the mandate with any financial penalties. It will, however, log non-compliance complaints against businesses, and complaints could be considered when businesses are up for various license renewals. Does this put an unnecessary burden on businesses already teetering on the edge of disaster? Does this dump the responsibility of public health into the laps of the already-strapped service industry? Once again, OF COURSE IT DOES. IT’S BEEN LIKE THAT SINCE DAY 1. AND YOU KNOW HOW YOU CAN HELP MAKE EVERYONE’S LIVES SO MUCH EASIER?



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Co-Founder and Editor

Matt Wild weighs between 140 and 145 pounds. He lives on Milwaukee's east side.