Here at Milwaukee Record, we employ a sentient machine known as the Great Job Milwaukee Bot to keep track of the city’s many appearances on dopey online lists, as well as any time a national publication deigns to acknowledges our pathetic Midwest existence. Enjoy!

“Where can naturists and nudists bare it all outdoors while they tend to their carrots—without getting snagged by thorny legal issues?”

So asks trusted lawn care website LawnStarter, handily tapping into the not-quite-post-pandemic zeitgeist with a question on the minds of all naturists, nudists, and general carrot-tenders. Yes, LawnStarter has compiled a list of the Best Cities For Naked Gardening (in 2021, mind you), and yes, Milwaukee pops up at #87.

Sigh. To tell you the truth, I’m kind of hung over this morning and I’m not sure I can muster a whole lot of jokes for this thing. I went to a Brewers game last night—my first since 2019!—and I may have indulged a bit. It was great seeing a game again, but boy was it weird to see so many empty chairs, empty rows, empty sections. It was kind of eerie. I guess it’s just the period we’re in right now—a weird twilight zone where everything is half-opened and half-full, a moment in time when our collective desire to “get back to normal” is tempered by a gun-shy hesitancy and a rusty social barometer. This isn’t over. This will never truly be over. This past year will forever mark us. We’ll never be the same again.

Anyway, May 1 is World Naked Gardening Day, so that’s why LawnStarter put this thing together. Milwaukee came in at #87. Madison was #68. Miami, Florida was #1. Lincoln, Nebraska was #100, which seems about right.

How’d LawnStarter do it? Does it matter? Here are the nine (!) key metrics:

Nudist Population per 100,000 Residents
Legality of Public Nudity
Legality of Toplessness

Rank in LawnStarter’s “Best Cities for Urban Gardening” Report

Google Search Interest in “Nudist” and “World Naked Gardening Day”

Forecasted Temperature on Naked Gardening Day (May 1)
Forecasted Rain on Naked Gardening Day (May 1)
Forecasted Wind Speed on Naked Gardening Day (May 1)

Sex Offenders per 100,000 Residents

I’m going to finish my coffee. Don’t complain that the Austin Powers picture doesn’t perfectly match the article. It’s close enough. Celebrate World Naked Gardening Day safely. Balls, bulbs, plant it where the sun does shine, etc. Great job, Milwaukee.

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About The Author

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Co-Founder and Editor

Matt Wild weighs between 140 and 145 pounds. He lives on Milwaukee's east side.