You might be reading this article and wondering…why. Alkaline Trio was started by guys in Chicago, none of them live there anymore, and no members have ever publicly stated or even remotely implied they like the Green Bay Packers. So why does this article exist? Well, I don’t really know.

Maybe I didn’t have the energy to write some lengthy piece about the internal dilemma of cheering for a team led by a quarterback you no longer respect whatsoever. Maybe I was hoping this article would catch on like the Milwaukee Bucks/Sheryl Crow song pairing article I did that she read and claimed she enjoyed. Maybe I wanted to write something in advance of Alkaline Trio’s show with Bad Religion and War On Women at The Rave/Eagles Club this Sunday. Whatever the reason might be, this article now exists. Enjoy!

“97” — Kenny Clark
Duh! It’s his jersey number. Also, both this song and this player are pretty awesome.

“Armageddon” — Blake Bortles
The world would basically have to end and three other Packers quarterbacks would need to go missing before Blake Bortles got in a game with Green Bay. Good song though!

“Burn” — Kevin King
No matter how good he actually is (and he is well above average compared to other corners in the league), a certain segment of Packers fan base will always remember Kevin King as the guy who repeatedly got burned by Buccaneers receivers in the NFC Championship. Similarly, a significant number of Alkaline Trio fans will remember Crimson as an unremarkable record. King is much better than some fans give him credit for. The same can’t be said for Crimson, but “Burn” is a standout track.

“Cringe” — AJ Dillon
Goddamnit album opener “Cringe” is my favorite song by Alkaline Trio. AJ Dillon is currently my favorite Packers player. Another successful Packers and Alkaline Trio pairing is in the books courtesy of yours truly!

“Hell Yes” — Aaron Jones
Usually when Aaron Jones has the ball in his hands, fans wind up saying “Hell Yes” or a similar utterance to signify something good has happened. “Hell Yes” is quietly one of the best Trio songs, by the way.

“I Lied My Face Off” — Aaron Rodgers
In light of recent awfulness, I could’ve gone a lot ways with my song selection for Aaron Rodgers. “Goodbye Forever” could’ve been applied to a player who I, quite honestly, don’t want to be on the team anymore. “Sorry About That” would’ve worked as a nod to his insincere half-apology following a weekend of well-deserved criticism. Hell, even “Clavicle” was an option because he broke his collarbone that one time. Ultimately, I went with “I Lied My Face Off” because Rodgers misled the public about his vaccination status, put the health of his team and anyone in his vicinity in jeopardy, then spouted a bunch of dangerous lies that both underscored and will serve to prolong a pandemic that’s killed for than 700,000 people in this country. It’s unforgivable. Anyway, this is one of Dan Andriano’s best songs.

“Maybe I’ll Catch Fire” — Davante Adams
If he wanted to catch fire, Davante Adams would catch it with ease, then rack up a bunch of yards after the reception.

“Nose Over Tail” — Robert Tonyan
Remember last season when Bobby Tonyan did a somersault then caught a touchdown a few seconds later? That “Nose Over Tail” TD was amazing. Okay, this one is admittedly kind of a stretch, but I wanted to include this song and Tonyan somewhere in this article. Friggin’ sue me.

“Rooftops”(Hot Water Music cover) — Jaire Alexander
Alkaline Trio is excellent at covering this Hot Water Music song. Alexander is excellent at covering NFL receivers.

“San Francisco” — Mason Crosby
As the Packers all-time leading scorer and one of the longest tenured kickers in the NFL, people sleep on Mason Crosby. Recent troubles (much of which can be blamed on the longsnappers the Packers have used this season and holder Corey Bojorquez) aside, he’s been one of the best Green Bay players in our lifetime. Similarly, “San Francisco” is a song a lot of listeners sleep on, even though it’s one of the best offerings in Alkaline Trio’s entire catalog. Oh, and the Packers were playing San Francisco when Crosby hit that game-winning field goal as time expired back in September.

“Snake Oil Tanker” — Jaylon Smith
The runtime of the song “Snake Oil Tanker” is just over 80 seconds. That’s about how long linebacker Jaylon Smith was on the Packers this season before he was cut.

“This Could Be Love” — Jordan Love
As the first song on Good Mourning, “This Could Be Love” signaled a new era for Alkaline Trio. New drummer Derek Grant just joined the group at that point, MTV started playing the band regularly, and this record signaled a stark change in Alkaline Trio’s sound. Similarly, the Packers drafting Jordan Love…and current QB1’s shithead actions lately seem to be signaling a new era of Green Bay football on the horizon. I welcome it.

BONUS PAIRINGS

“Bleeder” or “Bloodied Up” — Chuck Cecil
Dude used to bleed from his head when he played for the Packers in the ’90s.