We assembled a Brewers roster made up of ‘Star Wars’ characters

Not a long time ago in our galaxy, some content came into our view. In a moment of phone distraction, it floated onto our screen like wayward space junk. It’s hard to say where it came from. Might have been an Instagram reel? Who knows…life and Instagram reels are a bit of a blur.

But as you can see, we found a baseball card of Chewbacca on the Brewers. (We call him “Brewbacca” and we’re calling dibs on the copyright.) What a sight to behold. A John Williams orchestral banger cued in our minds in this moment of triumph. Goodbye depression and internal deadness, because Chewbacca is on the Brewers.

We did our homework. The card traces back to a mid-’90s Saturday Night Live skit. It’s a spoof of the Home Shopping Network in which Will Ferrell and Chris Kattan loudly hype silly merchandise. Ferrell screams something like, “Order now and we’ll throw in this rare baseball card of Chewbacca on the Brewers!” He adds, “He’s a second baseman.”

That’s where they lost us. We’re still glad this image exists, but we feel strongly that Chewie’s talents would be wasted at second base. With his size and skillset, that Wookiee checks all the boxes of a first baseman.

So, guess what? Because some SNL writer from, like, 1996 under-thought this one, it’s our job to overthink it. The Force needs to be balanced. That’s why we’ve figured out spots on the field for a team of Star Wars characters. We’ve even scouted vendors, mascots, and other non-players—because don’t tell us Chewbacca is a damn second baseman.

First Base: Chewbacca 
Towering at a height of seven-and-a-half feet, it’s nearly impossible to launch a throw over the head of Chewbacca at first base. This big walking carpet is strong, athletic, and super lanky. With his foot on the bag, he can stretch and reach into the farthest corners of the galaxy to snare a one-hopper in the dirt. He’s got the power to rip off the arms of most men and aliens, so we’ve got to figure that translates to hitting for power. Plus, this Wookiee’s got a wingspan longer than Randy Johnson, so opposing pitchers can nip outside the zone and still watch their offering get crushed from Endor to Mos Eisley.

His only weakness is that he’s a bit of a lumbering oaf, which is exactly why he’s a liability at second base. To make a tired point to the SNL writer from like 1996 who miscast Chewie on the diamond: Get your shit together, man.

Second Base: Princess Leia
Leia is graceful, swift, and nimble. Second is one spot on the diamond that requires a player to pirouette, and you bet your ass this princess can pirouette. As we saw in her escape from a holding cell in A New Hope, she can gun down Stormtroopers. Ergo, we gotta assume she can gun down runners on the base paths.

Her diplomatic skills are central to uniting the infield. Leia is an action-taker who rarely makes errors. For those who may naysay her quick hands and strength, remember the time she got free from Jabba the Hutt and choked the giant sloth to death with her own chains? Yeah, we bet you feel pretty dumb right now if you doubted Leia. As if that wasn’t enough, Princess Leia has a straight-up psychic connection with her double-play partner at shortstop.

Shortstop: Luke Skywalker
“The Last Jedi” is the next in a tradition of shortstops seeming to have otherworldly powers. In his prime, Javier Baez dazzled on defense with magician-like highlights that earned him the nickname “El Mago.” (Which is Spanish for…the Mago.) Further back, Ozzie Smith was dubbed “The Wizard Of Oz” for his superhuman dives, leaps, throws, and flips. And not to be forgotten, Milwaukee’s own Robin Yount had a mustache that was enchanting.

Luke’s supernatural mojo comes not in the form of magic, wizardry, nor mustache. He uses The Force, of course. Under the guidance of our right fielder, rookie Luke was batting laser shots from a practice droid as he wore a helmet that blinded him. His skills only multiplied from that point. Whether shooting a bullseye into the heart of the Death Star with no help from his targeting computer or using his mind to set C3PO aloft on a throne to convince the Ewoks the droid is their God, the Force is strong in Anakin’s kid.

His throwing arm is strong and accurate, too. In Return of the Jedi, Luke finds himself in a murder pit with a Rancor beast. He uses his quick feet and resourcefulness to evade the monster, then he throws a rock at a switch to drop a heavy gate on the Rancor’s head. Perfect throw. Dead Rancor. The rock appeared to be heavy. True story. You’ve seen what he can do with a lightsaber. Give him a Louisville Slugger and watch him abuse pitchers like they were Jabba’s henchmen.

Third Base: Rey
When we first meet our third basewoman, she’s on the desert planet of Jakku, going through deserted spaceships, trying to earn a buck by picking parts. She’s a scavenger and a picker, so she was made to pick oncoming grounders out of the dirt. Rey also does a nifty slide down on a sandy hill early in Episode VII, so we can see her penchant for baseball.

Her extreme sensitivity to the Force makes her a perfect fit at the hot corner. It’s called the hot corner because it’s usually played by the infielder who stands closest to the hitter, meaning they’re the most likely to have a scorching line drive rocket at their face. Rey has elite reflexes and reaction time. She has the power to resist the creepy mind probes of Kylo Ren, and she showed remarkable poise by beating him in a lightsaber duel—as a rookie, no less. She can do everything, except save Episode IX from sucking.

Starting Pitcher: Han Solo
He’s an unflappable gunslinger and a fierce competitor. He’s the most winning character in the franchise. He’s a great pilot—an ace, if you will. We need this man on the mound. We know he’s focused on speed, which translates to his fastball. Dude made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs, so don’t expect his heater to fall below 96 mph. He’s no stranger to traveling at light speed, so of course he can light up a radar gun.

His background as a smuggler makes him adept at deception, so don’t be shocked to see the ace bust out some curves and sliders to keep ’em guessing. What he lacks in the Force, he makes up for with swagger, poise, and good looks. Can you imagine tryna get a hit with those dreamy, piercing blue eyes staring you down? We don’t know about you, but we’re going 0-for-5. Five strikeouts. Then after the game, we want his autograph.

Manager: Yoda
Known as a paragon of leadership, Yoda is. Train Luke, he did, and embrace role of team mentor, he will. Likes Chewie batting cleanup, Yoda does. Funny in a hat, he looks. Run its course, this joke has.

Mascot: Ewok
Picture one of these fidgety, furry bears dancing atop the dugout and doing cartwheels and shit. It’s adorable. If an Ewok with a T-shirt cannon doesn’t put a smile on your face, then the Dark Side has won.

Catcher: Jyn Erso
The job of a catcher is not glamorous. Behind the plate, catchers do the dirty work. After the game, their uniforms are the hardest to wash clean. They spend half their time squatting in the most uncomfortable pose in sports. They sacrifice their bodies for the greater good of the team.

Rogue One heroine Jyn Erso is the team catcher because of her altruism. She gives herself up on a mission to retrieve intel on the weak spot of the Death Star. Like a catcher, she does the dirty work required to achieve the greater good, with little fanfare. Hell, we like her movie a lot, but we forgot her name a time or two while writing this thing. She is tough, gritty, and full of courage. She is smart enough to defer to pitcher Han Solo, but bold enough to shut down his ego trips. We are prioritizing defense over offense here, but hey, nothing matters more than defense against an evil Empire.

Designated Hitter: Mace Windu
During the climactic battle in the Arena of Justice in Episode II, Mace Windu puts on a helluva show with his lightsaber. He’s not the most fleet of foot Jedi, but he can deflect a droid’s laser shots with the best of ’em. He does a sweet fadeaway deflect to destroy a droid on the ricochet, while jogging to Jango Fett. Mace shows off some more sterling hand-eye coordination that’s clearly a transferable skill to hitting baseballs as he deflects shots from the bounty hunter. Then he beheads Jango Fett with his kid watching in the crowd. Dude even takes a second to pose. Lil’ orphaned Baba Fett is watching on, traumatized. Meanwhile, Mace is basking in his closeup. Ice water flows through his veins, we say.

We need Mace in the lineup, but he’s the designated hitter because he’s pretty one-dimensional. We’re pro-Mace all the way, but he’s not a versatile character. He doesn’t have the internal struggle of Anakin, nor the charm of Han or the arc of Luke or Rey. He doesn’t make the fight for goodness as compelling as Obi-Wan does. He’s not a weird, wise oddity like Yoda. He’s solid but prosaic. He swings a mean lightsaber and probably baseball bat, but he lacks range. He’s the David Ortiz of Star Wars characters and we’re thrilled to have him at DH.

Ball Droid: R2-D2
As if the dancing Ewok with a T-shirt cannon wasn’t cute enough for the damn kids, this bleep-blooping droid on wheels will be programmed to fetch foul balls. R2 can extend that grabby metal claw from its body to snatch Spaldings gone astray. It’s also got a blowtorch and taser, so it can do security in the event of a Tusken Raider streaking onto the field or something.

Social Media Manager: C-3PO
This neurotic droid is fluent in over six million forms of communication. And Lord knows he won’t shut up about it. His job is to hype the team and inform its fanbase on thousands of social media platforms in a wide array of languages across the universe. Do you know what they call X on the planet Tatooine? We have no clue, but it’s got to be a better name than X. What matters is that C-3PO knows, insufferable know-it-all that it is. We considered finding a spot on the field for Threepio, but then we remembered we wanna win.

Left Field: Lando Calrissian
In order to see why Lando plays in left field, we’ve got to break down what it means when something “comes out of left field.” It’s unlikely for a left fielder to throw out a runner, so when it does happen, it comes as a shock. Along the same lines, when the leader of Cloud City betrays his friends and we see the reveal that his dinner party has been crashed by Darth Vader, that’s a classic moment that comes out of left field.

The stunners keep coming from Lando. He seems guilt-stricken about his heel turn, but we question his sincerity. After all, he has been described as “scum,” and dude was a bit too flirty with Leia. But when our heroes are on the brink of doom with Han frozen in Carbonite—BOOM! Lando comes to the rescue. He turns on the Empire’s drones, frees Chewie and Leia from their handcuffs, and helps them escape. Double turn. That’s two cinematic stunners straight outta left field in less than an hour. He also made a trip to Earth in order to promote Colt 45 beer. No one saw that coming. Lando’s domain is covering space in left field.

Center Field: Anakin Skywalker
He’s instinctive, brash, and so talented it’s scary. He shows both power and finesse when he swings a lightsaber (which kinda looks like a bat, if you think about it), and as we saw in the Boonta race on Tatooine, his reaction time is off the charts. We’re not crazy about his mass murder of younglings at the Jedi Temple, but we do love the way he can track a baseball instantly off the crack of the bat. He’s a high-risk, high-reward, franchise player in center field.

Anakin’s hand-eye coordination is matched by his passion. Like Ken Griffey Jr., we can picture Ani running balls out at a dead sprint and crashing into the wall to make the catch. The trouble is, passion can be a detriment to a Jedi. (Junior broke his wrist making the catch. Anakin was almost killed by Count Dooku.) Anakin has the spitfire to try to gun down a runner at home when he’s standing on the warning track–-and if the guy was safe, he’d be pissed. And anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering, and so on…

Right Field: Obi-Wan Kenobi
Perhaps the best pure hero in the franchise, Obi-Wan stands for what is right. Therefore, it makes sense for him to stand in right. Anywhere else on the field would feel wrong. We admire his moral compass and integrity. In the thrilling finish to Revenge of the Sith, he says to our center fielder, “I have the high ground.” The moral high ground included.

When it comes to handling the bat (which you’ve got to admit, somewhat resembles a lightsaber), check out the beauty of his swing at the 6:20 mark in The Phantom Menace. It’s sweet enough to make the fuzzy Force Ghost of Tony Gwynn shed a tear of joy. In the same scene, O-WK is cracking battle droid shots up the middle, comeback line-drive style for hit after hit. His only drawback is that he won’t listen when we yell at him to shave that awful rat tail.

Food Vendor: Jar Jar Binks
Jar Jar tried to make it as a hot dog vendor. He got a chance to roam the bleachers, running his mouth, slinging borderline-pork products in buns. People got annoyed. Then they got furious. Then there was a palpable sense of bloodlust at the old ballpark. Worse, he failed to sell a single hot dog. Security had to escort him out of the ballpark for his own safety, because angry fans wanted to kill the unpopular Gungan. Thankfully, Jar Jar escaped harm and was brought to an escape pod in the parking lot.