The Kid. The Ignitor. Gumby. These are nicknames of Milwaukee Brewers that we won’t be ranking because they played at County Stadium. When it comes to Miller Park/American Family Field, we have a great deal of history to admire in the past quarter century of ballplayers. From 2001 until now, these guys have given fans glorious nicknames to cheer.
Somehow we all whiffed on nicknaming second baseman Bill Hall “Three Dollar Bill H’all.” Like, cripes, the Limp Bizkit pun was right there! Oh well, we still made a good list despite that one never coming into existence. If we missed a doozy, please let us know. We’re determined to get the list right in time for the 50-year anniversary in 2050. (All rankings are subjective and pitifully overthought.)
25. “Scooter” (Ryan Gannett)
Just as The Rock was born Dwayne Johnson, Scooter scooted into this world as Ryan Joseph Gannett. He got the alias when, as a kid, a cop asked him what his name was, and he replied, “Scooter,” of Muppets fame. Ryan started going by Scooter. It became his identity. Then, years later, for reasons unknown, some folks went back to calling the guy Ryan. It’s a bit like calling The Rock “Dwayne Johnson” when you could be calling him The Rock, which is good enough to crack our countdown.
24. “Khrush” (Khris Davis)
We don’t always support blatant disregard for correct spelling, but we’ll make an exception for Khrush. He smacked 22 homers for the Brewers in 2014 and 27 bombs the next season. Among the top 25, Khrush has the nickname that makes him sound the most like an American Gladiator who flunked high school English.
23. “Hank White” (Henry Blanco)
Blanco’s birth name got Americanized into a simple, smile-inducing translation. Hank White was the humble starting catcher on a squad that went a brutal 68-94 in the first year of the new ballpark. The team lost 11 straight games in July. How can you not get romantic about the ’01 Brewers? Thank you, Hank White.
22. “Ax Man” (John Axford)
The owner of 106 saves in a Brewers uniform, Axford became a big deal around the same time the “real-men-in-real-danger” show Ax Men captivated viewers with, uh… men with axes. Whenever the Ax Man got the final out during the 2011 season, in which he racked up 46 saves, he might have shouted “Timber!” Which was the style at the time.
21. “Big Woo” (Brandon Woodruff)
Not to be confused with The Big Wu, a jam band (coming to West Allis this Sunday) that was often confused with The String Cheese Incident on Kazaa, this Big Woo boasts a career 3.09 ERA. The southpaw should be proud of his pair of All-Star nods, and even prouder of his comeback from injury. He missed all of ’24 and much of this season with ongoing shoulder woes, but returned triumphantly on July 6. The Crew cruised to a 3-1 win on the strength of Big Woo’s eight strikeouts and no walks.
20. “Airbender” Devin Williams
He’s remembered for boasting sparkling ERAs and dozens of saves for the Brewers in the regular season, as well as a few heartbreaking blowups in the playoffs. In this regard, Williams had a dynamic not unlike Avatar: The Last Airbender, the acclaimed animated series, and The Last Airbender, the M. Night Shyamalan dud with a 5% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes.
19. “Bird Dog” (Corey Knebel)
The former closer’s alias features not one but two animals. Whoa, does it get any better than Bird Dog? Besides Cat Raptor, no, it does not. Bird Dog tallied 39 saves in 2017 to earn All-Star recognition. He’d rank higher on the list, but his nickname reminds us of the dog from Duck Hunt who laughed at us when we had bad aim with the Nintendo Zapper.
18. “El Caballo” (Carlos Lee)
The Horse, for those of us who hablo Español un pequño, was a 6’2″, 270-pound slugger for the Brewers in 2005 and most of ’06. In less than two full seasons, El Caballo clubbed 55 homers and drove in 195 runs before the rebuilding Crew dealt him to the Rangers. Is it even possible to diss El Caballo? Naaaaayyy!
17. “Chicken” (Craig Counsell)
His heel turn from Wisconsin-born skipper of the Crew to manager of the Cubs may have inspired John Cena of the WWE to break some hearts, but it’s hard to stay furious at a guy called Chicken. Counsell was dubbed so because of his odd batting stance, in which he chicken-winged his back elbow above his head. We get that many Crew fans will never forgive this man, but The Chicken Runs at Midnight is still an astoundingly beautiful and bittersweet baseball tale.
16. “Dub” (CC Sabathia)
When Milwaukee made a trade with Cleveland for the Cy Young Award-winning Sabathia in July of 2008, it was clear the Crew were going all-in to make the playoffs for the first time in 26 years. Sabathia was a rental who cashed in with a big market team in ’09, but as far as rentals go, dude was like renting The Shawshank Redemption and Office Space from Blockbuster on the same night. What he did for the Brewers in half of 2008’s playoff run was downright insane: seven complete games, three shutouts, a 2.44 ERA, and an 11-2 record. That’s 11 dubyas in 17 starts. Hence: Dub.
15. “Big Sweat” (Jimmy Nelson)
We would’ve gone with “Gargantuan Perspiration,” but perhaps that’s too wordy. Jimmy Big Sweat/Big Sweat Jimmy had a career year for the Crew in 2017. He went 12-6 with a 3.49 ERA despite the distinct possibilities that his palms were sweaty and his mom has cooked spaghetti.
14. “Nerd Power” (Eric Sogard)
Sogard was out there grinding at-bats looking like Egon from Ghostbusters. Here’s a guy who wants to play a game of Magic: The Gathering, then go out and field some grounders. As a backup infielder in 2017, his Win Above Replacement number was 1.9, which exceeded the WAR marks of big names like Ryan Braun (0.9) and Eric Thames (1.1) that season.
13. “Mr. Tee” (Eric Thames)
Thames gave us an embarrassment of rich nicknames like “Phone Home” and “Sang Namja,” which means “manly man”/ “a real man” in Korean. Thames put up huge numbers in the Korean Baseball Organization to earn the nickname and revive his career. He then swatted 31 bombs for the Crew in 2017. We’re giving the nickname nod to “Mr. Tee” simply because we pity the fools who do otherwise.
12. “Moose” (Mike Moustakas)
Concise, basic, and effective, Moose has the ironic charm of sounding like “boo” when the home crowd is celebrating him. When he hit a walk-off single to beat the Rockies in the 10th inning of the 2018 NLDS, home fans weren’t booing him, but it’s not like they were gonna chant “Moustakas!”
11. “Russell the Muscle” (Russell Branyan)
Baseball’s answer to John Claude Van Damme’s “The Muscles from Brussels” moniker, Russell muscled out 35 dingers in his three seasons in Milwaukee. Years before National League lineups used designated hitters, Russell was a prototypical pinch hit thumper. Baseball scholars maintain the man actually had more than one muscle, but we’re not here to debate semantics.
10. “Eddie Love” (Ed Sedar)
This low-key legend coached first base and later third base for Milwaukee from 2007-2021. We like to think he came to be called Eddie Love by giving players romance advice when they reached his station. Just picture it: hands on his hips, he’d nod and listen to a Brewer’s love life struggles and grant advice like, “You can send her flowers, but manage your expectations. It sounds like she wants her freedom. Oh, and one more thing…you gotta run on contact.”
9. “CarGo” (Carlos Gomez)
Poised to take his hacks at the alumni home run derby, Gomez in his playing days collected the nickname cycle with “Go-Go”, “El Final” (The End), “El Titere” (The Puppet), and our favorite: “CarGo.” It’s a neat, basic welding of his first and last names that suggests speed and substance true to the ballplayer. As a bonus, CarGo follows the formula of Homer Junior becoming “HoJu” in a gag from the Monorail episode of the Simpsons.
8. “Rhys Lightning” (Rhys Hoskins)
Somehow a first name with no true vowels rhymes with “grease,” which has three vowels. The English language is crazier than having a drag race in a ravine between a 24-year-old John Travolta and a 30+ scowlin’ dude try to pass as teenagers in Grease. Travolta’s sweet ride was coined Greased Lightning, and we’re pleasantly amazed if Rhys can quote Grease.
7. “The Miz” (Jacob Misiorowski)
In a fine example of how a nickname can be helpful, “Miz” sheds eight letters and three syllables from “Misiorowski.” The 23-year-old All-Star and Rookie of the Year hopeful is more marketable as The Miz. We’re seeing T-shirt options with rhyming words like Wiz, Biz, and Rizz. (Some teens told us the last one means something good. We’re too embarrassed to Google it.)
6. “Uncle Phil” Prince Fielder
His first name may evoke the ‘90s sitcom The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, which co-starred the late James Avery as Uncle Phil Banks. Prince shared a portly panache with the patriarch of Bel-Air. Both men sported well-groomed beards and convivial grins to drive home the kinda-sorta resemblance. (We were tempted to work a cheap Will Smith joke into this blurb, then we were warned to keep his name out of our damn mouths.)
5. “Hits McGehee” (Casey McGehee)
A prank at the expense of Veronica Corningstone in the hit comedy Anchorman led to McGehee’s moniker. Ah, the quotable Anchorman. With so many whacky one-liners to choose from, now’s the perfect time to try out our new Anchorman quote randomizer… “I love lamp!” Ha, yes! Best two grand we ever spent.
4. “The Podfather” (Scott Podsednik)
Years before AJ Dillon, “The Quadfather,” Podsednik cornered the market on Godfather puns. He totaled 185 runs and stole 113 bases in just two seasons with the Crew to earn the badass nickname. Shockingly, we can’t find signs of a Podsednik “Podfather” podcast. We’d give him eight bucks to start a podcast and hope it’s an offer he can’t refuse.
3. “Tony Plush” Nyjer Morgan
With no clear reason other than saying it was his “gentleman’s name,” Morgan nicknamed himself Tony Plush during the 2011 season. In the 10th inning of Game 5 of the NLDS against Arizona, T-Plush hit a walk-off base knock to give Milwaukee its first playoff series win since ’82. That moment guaranteed we won’t forget you, Tony Plush.
2. “Crunchwrap” (Lorenzo Cain)
The outfielder posted a staggering WAR of 6.8 during the Brewers’ division-winning ’18 campaign, scoring 90 runs and playing elite defense. We could go on about his stats, but we need to salute his namesake: the Crunchwrap Supreme. This mouthwatering Taco Bell temptation comes in a warm flour tortilla stuffed with beef, nacho cheese, a crunchy shell, lettuce, diced tomatoes, and sour cream.
1. “Hebrew Hammer” (Ryan Braun)
Ryan Bruan played all 14 of his MLB seasons with the Brewers. He batted .296 with 352 homers and 1,154 RBI, won a league MVP, and rocked the team’s greatest nickname of the past quarter-century. Mazal tov, Hebrew Hammer.