A quick crash course: The Dead Alewives were a Milwaukee comedy troupe in the 1990s who delighted their fans with a geeky, offbeat sense of humor that fell somewhere between The Kids In The Hall and The Young Ones. The group included pre-fame Dan Harmon—he of Community, Harmontown, and Rick And Morty—and pre-fame Rob Schrab—he of The Sarah Silverman Program, the “Gauntlet” season of Mystery Science Theater 3000, and Mayville descent. They did a Total Recall parody of Tom Petty’s “Free Fallin'” (“Total Recallin’,” natch). They did a Dungeons & Dragons sketch you probably remember:

Aaaaand they did “Stay Put,” a half-song, half-PSA that contains a message that’s more important than ever these days. Written by founding member Mondy Carter and released on the group’s 1996 album Take Down The Grand Master, the peppy little ditty opens with these prescient lines:

Stay put, America / America stayin’ put
Stay put, America / Don’t move a single foot
It’s safer for the human race / If we all stay right in place
So come on, America, stay put!

“All over this country, more and more Americans are staying put—for their own good, and for the good of others,” the song informs us. “Did you know that 99.9% of all crime, accidents, disease, misunderstandings, social disorder, prejudice, and infection happen because of motion? Just by staying put, and making others stay put, we can lead happier, safer lives.” Huh! IT’S TRUE!

So continue staying put, Milwaukee/Wisconsin/America. And thank you, Dead Alewives song from 1996. [h/t Randy W.]

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