Have you ever wondered what the past year would have been like if former Milwaukee alderman Bob “Sir, This Stall Is Occupied” Donovan and former Milwaukee sheriff David “INSERT RANDOM OFF-THE-SHELF MAGA EDGELORD BURN HERE” Clarke were still employed? It would have made a crappier year even crappier, right? For proof, look no further than Donovan’s upcoming “Burn The Masks Party,” set for June 1 at McKiernan’s Irish Pub & Grill. [fart noise]

Yes, drop by McKiernan’s at 5 (the mask burning starts at 6!) and you can celebrate the end of Milwaukee’s mask mandate with a bunch of other folks who likely spent the past year pooping their pants like babies because they had to suffer the most minor of inconveniences in order to protect themselves and others. “Burn a mask, enjoy one Freedom Beer, courtesy of Bob Donovan,” reads the Facebook event page. [fart noise with reverb]

The event is hosted by Donovan and the Wisconsin Conservative Digest. “Breathe the fresh air and enjoy a drink while listening to some of Milwaukee and Wisconsin’s top fighters and leaders,” reads the Facebook event page. Those top fighters and leaders include Paris Procopis (?) and “others.” Clarke is listed as an “invited guest,” so maybe he’ll be there. [UPDATE: Clarke is now a confirmed guest.] [wet fart noise]

Of course, you may not want to burn your masks just yet. Milwaukee County will still require masks inside all County-owned facilities, even after June 1. And you should wear one if you haven’t been vaccinated yet. And you should find the tiniest shred of humility and decency in your soul and not act like a diaper-pooping baby at the tail-end of a pandemic that has killed nearly 600,000 Americans. Honestly, grow up. Act like an adult. Enjoy 24 hours of fart noises.

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Co-Founder and Editor

Matt Wild weighs between 140 and 145 pounds. He lives on Milwaukee's east side.