Now nestled deep into March, winter is finally officially over, which makes “Spring Training”—where some Milwaukee Brewers players have been since early February—an accurate name. On April 4, Miller Park will be full of happy drunk people taking in the Brew Crew’s first game of the regular season. Though less than two weeks from now, Opening Day still feels so far away. The team’s remaining days in Arizona will hold even less excitement than before. The 25-man roster is pretty much determined. Starters will see even less time than their already-limited innings to lower the risk of an injury in the last handful of exhibition games. So what’s there to write about?
Since there’s pretty much jack shit in the way of actual Brewers tidbits during this calm before the storm (that will be an abysmal 90- or 100-loss season), we decided to scour the Milwaukee Brewers organization to find as many middle names as we could and then rank them from 75-1 on Milwaukee Record‘s comprehensive Brewers middle name rankings. Buckle up! Shit’s going to get crazy.
T-74. Tim Dillard and Jonathan Lucroy: Charles.
73. Josh Hader: Ronald.
T-71. Zack Jones and Ben Guez: James.
T-66. Michael Blazek, Max McDowell, Andy Wilkins, Adam Weisenburger, Kirk Nieuwenhuis: Robert.
65. Mitch Lambson: Adam.
T-63. Parker Berberet and Garin Cecchini: Glenn.
T-61. Will Smith and Tyler Thornburg: Michael. Will Michael Smith is quite possibly the most boring name in professional sports.
60. Franklin Morales: Miguel. It’s pretty much just “Michael” with a dash of Latin flare.
59. Matt Garza: Scott.
T-57. Scooter Gennett and Ryan Braun: Joseph.
56. Damien Magnifico: Jack. As poor as Damien’s ranking is, Jack Magnifico would have the makings of a top five Brewers name. So close.
55. Shane Peterson: Aaron.
T-52. Jacob Barnes, Jacob Nottingham, Corey Knebel: Andrew.
51. Blaine Boyer: Thomas.
50. Aaron Hill: Walter.
T-48. Sean Nolin and Colin Walsh: Patrick.
47. Jim Miller: Matthew. Correction: THIS might be the most boring name in professional sports, if not on the planet.
46. David Goforth: Paul.
45. Will Middlebrooks: Scott.
T-42. Adrian Houser, Jake Elmore, Nick Shaw: David.
41. Jorge Lopez: Yabiel.
40. Daniel Tillman: Brett. What a nerd-ass name.
T-38. Jake Drossner and Zach Davies: Ryan.
37. Chris Carter: Christopher. You see, his first name is actually Vernon.
T-34. Javier Salas, Javier Betancourt, Hernan Perez: Alejandro.
33. Jimmy Nelson: Jacob.
32. Rymer Liriano: Omar. You’d figure a first name like Rymer would yield a slightly better middle name than Omar.
31. Jose Cuas: Luis.
30. Tyler Cravy: Jay.
29. Caesar Jimenez: Enrique.
28. Jon Perrin: Wade.
27. Jonathan Villar: Rafael.
26. Johnny Davis: Lewis. While Lewis is a really lame middle name, Davis is somewhat redeemed by “Johnny” being his birth name.
25. Keon Broxton: Darell.
24. Jeremy Jeffress: Ross.
23. Domingo Santana: Alberto.
22. Hiram Burgos: Alexis.
21. Chris Capuano: Frank. Bonus points for being Frank and not Francis or something fancy like that.
20. Victor Roach: Victor. He goes by Victor, but is real name is Almon.
19. Rene Garcia: Francisco.
18. Jaye Chapman: Lawrence. Pretty high brow.
17. Monte Harrison: Fitzgerald. Very high brow.
16. Nick Ramirez: Randolph.
15. Brooks Hall: Brooks. His real name is Steven.
14. Michael Reed: Benton. This name sounds kind of like the name of a dog mascot for a private school on the east coast.
13. Alex Presley: Crawford. See above and sub “on the east cost” out for “in the deep south.”
12. Chase Anderson: Chase. His first name is really Robert.
11. Manny Pina: Elias.
10. Isan Diaz: Xavier. Bill Murray would’ve put Xavier higher.
9. Hobbs Johnson: Hobbs, which we agree is cooler than using his real first name, Jeffrey.
8. Eric Young Jr.: Orlando. Young Sr., a former Brewers player, has the same middle name.
7. Josmil Pinto: Oswaldo.
6. Orlando Arcia: Jesus.
5. Taylor Jungmann: Heath. Like the candy bar or the actor. Both mouthwatering and tragic.
4. Austin Ross: North. Austin Ross’ parents were way ahead of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian when it came to writing directions on birth certificates.
3. Jake Gatewood: Jacob. Yeah, we know Jacob is a pretty common middle name in this country. Jimmy Jacob Nelson landed at number 33 on this list. However, Gatewood deserves his own spot in the top three on account of the sheer hilarity of his first name and middle name combo. Think about it: Jake Jacob Gatewood. Brilliant.
CORRECTION!!! The Brewer Nation killed our dreams of a world where there could be a Jake Jacob Gatewood by telling us the prospect’s first name is actually Henry. Whatever. We’ll keep him at three anyway because this article is pointless.
2. Jed Bradley: Custer. It’s probably not surprising that Jedidiah Custer Bradley was born in Alabama.
1. Brett Phillips: Maverick. Putting Maverick between the names Brett and Phillips is like one of those deli sandwiches where two pounds of succulent pastrami is shoved between two limp slices of white bread.