Here at Milwaukee Record, we employ a sentient machine known as the Great Job, Milwaukee! Bot to keep track of the city’s many appearances on dopey online lists, as well as any time a national publication deigns to acknowledge our pathetic Midwest existence. Occasionally, when it’s feeling especially ambitious/desperate, the bot widens its net to include the entire state of Wisconsin. Which brings us to today’s report: According to something called WalletHub.com, the Badger State is the ninth happiest state in the country. Take that, Illinois!
The study, which we’re sure is totally legitimate, used “28 key metrics” to determine rankings. Metrics range from depression rate to sports participation rate to income growth to a bunch of other shit. Minnesota took the top spot, though we’re pretty sure they’re just better at hiding their misery from others. Three other Midwest states—Nebraska (No. 5), South Dakota (7), and Iowa (8)—also ranked higher than Wisconsin. Those miserable saps in West Virginia ranked 50th.
Our fair state ranked 11th in the “emotional health & well-being” category, 9th in “work environment,” and 10th in “community & environment.” Wisconsin avoided being in the top and bottom five in each metric except the volunteer rate, in which the state came in 4th. So yeah, congrats on being happier than 82 percent of the country, Wisconsin. Who knows how things would’ve worked out if the survey had been conducted immediately after yesterday’s Packer game.