Every few weeks, we stumble upon—or, more accurately, are emailed—news that Milwaukee is among the top cities in the country for…something. Usually, these so-called “studies” that declare our fair city to be the nation’s 47th horniest, 87th best for naked gardening, 13th best for Fourth of July celebrations, and the 34th most fun place in the U.S. are pretty shaky in terms of research and proof to support the claims. However, they’re at least rooted in reality. This latest one, on the other hand, takes city rankings to some strange and supernatural places.

According to something called Lawn Love, Milwaukee is the 17th best city in America for vampires. Yes, VAMPIRES. In order the back up this lofty claim that a fictional ghoul would like it here, they looked into criteria like “cities with plenty of warm bodies, blood centers, and homes on the market with basements.” They also searched for cities “with other vampire-welcoming qualities like many cloudy days, few churches, and no garlic festivals.”

Even though Milwaukee has a garlic festival (tied for the most among qualifying markets) and basements galore (5th most), we still land behind top-ranked Naperville, Illinois, as well as other nearby markets like Chicago (ranked 3rd overall), St. Paul (6th), Aurora (7th), and Minneapolis (13th). Elsewhere in Wisconsin, Madison was named the 14th best city for vampires. Sucks to be you, Madison. Get it? Because it’s vampires.

Anyway, great job, Milwaukee. If vampires existed, we’d kind of be a good place for them to be.

About The Author

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Co-Founder and Editor

Before co-founding Milwaukee Record, Tyler Maas wrote for virtually every Milwaukee publication (except Wassup! Magazine). He lives in Bay View and enjoys both stuff and things.