On Sunday, January 11, the Green Bay Packers will square off against the Dallas Cowboys at Lambeau Field for what will undoubtedly be a nail-biting, edge-of-your-bleacher-seat playoff game. At stake is the privilege of remaining on the road to Super Bowl XLIX, and the chance for the Packers to beat the Cowboys for the second time in Lambeau post-season history—the first being the legendary 1967 “Ice Bowl.” It’ll be a game so big that Joe Buck may have to slightly change the intonation of his voice for once, and Troy Aikman may have to simply say “Fuck it” and openly root for the Cowboys.
Packers fans both near and far will likely engage in any number of luck-bestowing rituals leading up to the game—wearing their favorite jerseys, listening to Robert Brooks’ “Jump In The Stands” on repeat—though none will go as far as Calliope frontman Al Kraemer does in a video created by FunTV. In the clip, Kraemer embarks on a chemically enhanced “mystic ceremony” that involves Miller Lite, blood from a rubber chicken, Vince Lombardi’s third eye, and a pulsating Packers logo that would make Hypnotoad and/or the Heaven’s Gate cult jealous. It all culminates in a vision of the coveted Vince Lombardi Trophy hanging in the sky, Our Lady of Lourdes-style. Equal-opportunity cultural appropriation or just good fun? You make the call. Either way, if this doesn’t guarantee a Packers win on Sunday, nothing will.