Welcome to Food/Drink Week at Milwaukee Record, brought to you by Woodman’s Markets. From May 11 through May 18, belly up and enjoy adventurous, odd, and elaborate coverage of all things edible and drinkable in Milwaukee and beyond.
A few months back, I stopped by El Rey and ordered a chimichanga from Taco Loco, the restaurant located inside each El Rey market. The chimichanga was so good that I kept thinking about it, and I found myself returning several times over the next few months. So, in honor of Milwaukee Record’s Food/Drink Week, I made another trip to Nuevo Mercado El Rey (916 S. Cesar E. Chavez Dr.) to order what has become my favorite chimichanga in Milwaukee, and to pay closer attention to what makes it so memorable.
Observation 1: The chimichanga is made with a deep-fried flour tortilla and your choice of meat. I went with carne asada.
Observation 2: The chimichanga costs $9.99 on its own, or $13.99 with rice, beans, and salad.
Observation 3: The chimichanga weighs 1 pound, 4 ounces.
Observation 4: The chimichanga is roughly 7.5 inches long.
Observation 5: The chimichanga is roughly 4 inches wide.
Observation 6: The chimichanga is roughly 2.25 inches tall.
Observation 7: The chimichanga is the same height as this Bob Uecker bobblehead.
Observation 8: The chimichanga is as tall as this podcast microphone.
Observation 9: The chimichanga is slightly taller and just as wide as this copy of Saving Silverman on VHS.
Observation 10: The chimichanga is both taller and wider than my Han Solo and Greedo action figures.
Observation 11: My cat smelled but ultimately was uninterested in trying the chimichanga.
Observation 12: The chimichanga is served with a dollop of sour cream, two lime slices, lettuce, tomato, and avocado slices.
Observation 13: The chimichanga opened an interdimensional portal before I was able to take my first bite.
As I was about to dig in, a whoosh of gravity shook everything in my kitchen and a deep purple swirl of cosmic energy suddenly appeared in the room. Out came two aliens with six arms each who claimed to be Glormunaut officers of the Hexalarian empire. They informed me that I was under arrest in violation of stealing Emperor Glormunth’s predestined power source. I tried to fight, but I was no match, the chimichanga was placed in what appeared to be a cosmic lock box, and I was knocked unconscious.
Observation 14: The chimichanga is apparently a source of galactic power?
When I came to, the Glormunauts had me chained to a floating chair in the private inquisition chamber of Emperor Glormunth himself. Presenting the cosmic lock box containing the chimichanga to Emperor Glormunth, he unnervingly started to cackle with joy. “The relic of the First Empire is finally mine!” he snarled. “The star-buried monolith has finally found its rightful place in my hands!” Without so much as looking me directly in the eye, he shouts “Send it to the Calthrex Hold!” Which turned out to be a satellite prison that circumnavigates the sixth Hexalarian moon.
Observation 15: I learned of a galactic war over the chimichanga.
Eight months into my life sentence at Calthrex Hold, I learned of a galactic war from my newly imprisoned cellmate, Bulba Ploobik, a warrior of the Ulmari Crown. Over the next six weeks, Bulba Ploobik and I become friends. Nay, brothers. He taught me everything there was to know about the Ulmari code, their glorious past, their downfall during the Hexalarian blitzkrieg of 2414, and the star-buried monolith (the chimichanga) crash-landed on their planet millions of years ago. Its power helped evolve life there, eventually giving rise to the Ulmari civilization as it exists today.
Observation 16: The chimichanga chose me.
I was awoken in the night to the sounds of sirens, lasers, and explosions. A huge hole was blown through our cell walls. Jolted awake, I saw three figures appear from the dust and debris.
Bulba Ploobik gasped.
“My princess!” he said, falling to one knee amid the chaos. “Princess Eva of Longoria. You came to rescue us!”
Behind him stood a tall Ulmari warrior in porcelain colored armor, her cape flowing beautifully despite the battle surrounding us. She looked at Ploobik and then at me.
“We don’t have much time,” Princess Eva of Longoria said. “Glormunth has begun the activation ritual, and we must get the chosen one reunited with it before all is lost.”
I pointed at myself.
“Please tell me you don’t mean me.”
She did not blink.
“I mean you, chimichanga man.”
Observation 17: The final battle for the chimichanga.
After a tense war council inside the Ulmari resistance base, we launched one final desperate attack. Bulba Ploobik, now a general, led 45,000 Ulmari soldiers into the ash fields of Hexalaria, where 60,000 Glormunauts waited beneath Emperor Glormunth’s fortress. Lasers ripped through the smoke. Warships screamed overhead. The losses were terrible, but Bulba pushed forward as the army shouted that the star-buried monolith, the chimichanga, would never belong to a tyrant.
The entire assault was a distraction. While the armies clashed outside, Princess Eva of Longoria and I slipped through the lower tunnels of the fortress and found our way back to Emperor Glormunth’s inquisition chamber. There, suspended inside the glowing cosmic lock box, was the chimichanga.
Emerging from the shadows, Emperor Glormunth—furious and enormous—rushed towards me in an attack. Princess Eva stepped between us and began to clash with Glormunth. Crashing through artifacts, the two traded blasts of violence that shook the chamber.
As the princess held him off, I crawled toward the lock box. The chimichanga pulsed with light, and somehow I knew what I had to do. I smashed open the box lifted the chimichanga and took a bite.
Emperor Glormunth screeched in pain as the power drained from his body as he and his Glormunaut army melted down into lifeless goo. The war was over, and peace in the galaxy was restored.
Observation 18: The chimichanga brought peace.
In the years that followed, peace held. Princess Eva of Longoria and I were married, and together we protected the chimichanga, learning from its power. Through its wisdom, we helped build a cleaner, gentler world—a world without needless suffering, where every Ulmari family could live safely beneath the moons.
Princess Eva and I had 13 wonderful Ulmari children together. As the decades passed, we welcomed grandchildren, then great-grandchildren.
Eva and I lived a long, beautiful life together. When she passed, I missed her every day. Now, 90 years after the final battle, I keep her spirit alive by telling the story of the chimichanga, the star-buried monolith that chose me to help save the galaxy.
Observation 19: The chimichanga created life as we know it.
As I lay dying, surrounded by my Ulmari family, I found myself overcome with one final regret. I had lived a long peaceful life, but as a man of honor, I could not stop thinking about a promise I had failed to fulfill.
Ninety years earlier, back on Earth, I had told Tyler Maas and Matt Wild that I would write a review of the El Rey chimichanga for Food/Drink Week. I had saved a galaxy, but I had never finished the assignment.
Then, like one final blessing, the chimichanga spoke to me in Princess Eva’s voice.
“I can take you back,” it said. “You can finish what you started. You may take one last bite of me.”
With weak, trembling fingers, I lifted the chimichanga to my lips and took a small nibble. Instantly, my pupils tripled in size. A technicolor vortex tore open around me, pulling me through time, space, and memory. I watched the chimichanga ignite the Big Bang. I watched it scatter galaxies across the endless void and create the universe.
Then I woke up at my kitchen table, 90 years younger, back in my kitchen in Milwaukee, the chimichanga still in front of me. I took a bite and recorded my final observation.
Observation 20: This is a delicious chimichanga. 10/10. Would eat again.
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