For Christmas, I took my buddy’s advice and got my girlfriend a vibrator. She’s never had one before, so I just got something small. See, I’m on the road a lot for work and she gets lonely for the bone when I’m gone. So I thought this would help. The problem is that she really, really likes it. I gave it to her a week ago and she’s used it every single day. And then last night, she asked me if she could use when we were having sex. Like, literally—while we were doing it! Now I kind of want to hide it from her next time I leave town. I mean, I don’t think she’ll even notice that I’m gone if she’s got her new best friend. Do you think I should swipe it before I go? Or better yet, should I just bust it on my way out the door?

Very Vexed about Vibes

Dear Vexed,

No, you should absolutely not bust up your girlfriend’s vibe just because she really, really likes it. And you also shouldn’t hide it when you leave town. First of all, the vibrator belongs to your girlfriend—it’s her property. When you gave it to her, it ceased to be yours in any way. Now your girlfriend gets to use it as much or as little as she wishes, and no one gets to say boo about it. I believe that a person’s right to masturbate is sacred, and that knowing how to get yourself off is one of the most valuable skills you can have.

Secondly, it sounds like you’re motivated by jealousy over an inanimate object. The vibrator is bringing your girlfriend a lot of pleasure. Are you worried that she likes it more than she likes you? Think about for just a minute. Does the vibrator cuddle with her? Make her coffee? Give her moral support during difficult times? No, of course not. But you do, don’t you? No vibrator in the world can replace a good partner. But often, a decent vibrator can bring a lot of pleasure to a couple that is open to trying new things.

Finally, try to remember the reason you bought the gift in the first place. Your girlfriend misses you when you’re on the road, and you wanted to give her something special to make your time apart a little easier. It seems like her pleasure and her happiness are important to you. If that’s the case, why be creased that she’s enjoying the gift you gave her? It’s really common for women to have stronger, more intense orgasms with direct clitoral stimulation—the exact kind of stimulation provided by a vibrator. This can be a delightful surprise to someone who’s never tried it before. The fact that she wants to share it with you should be proof enough that she’s not looking to replace you with her new sex toy. Many couples regularly incorporate vibrators and other sex toys into their sex life. It’s no reflection on your ability to satisfy your girlfriend. It’s really just a fun thing that often makes sex more pleasurable and creative.

If you’re still feeling concerned, remember that new gadgets frequently garner more attention in the first week or two, and then interest tapers down of its own accord. If that’s not what happens, take comfort in knowing that you picked out a great gift. Learning how to incorporate the things that make her very happy into your sex life can only benefit you both. Hopefully, your girlfriend will continue to have really satisfying sex by herself and with you for a very long time.

Curious about cunnilingus? Anxious about anal? Do you have questions about queefs or problems with your prostate? Lucky Tomaszek is the education coordinator at The Tool Shed: An Erotic Boutique, Milwaukee’s only mission-driven, education-focused sex toy store. Send her an email at [email protected] and she’ll get back to you with an answer.

About The Author

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Lucky Tomaszek, LM, CPM, is the education coordinator at The Tool Shed: An Erotic Boutique, Milwaukee's only mission-driven, education-focused sex toy store. Most mornings you can find her balancing her cat and her keyboard in her lap, working to make the world a smarter, safer place for people of all genders and orientations.