Dear MKE SEX,

HELP—I don’t know how to eat pussy! When I was a teenaged dude, my buddies always told me to draw the letters of the alphabet with my tongue. Everyone said it a sure-fire way to drive girls wild. Well, I’ve tried it a few times now. And no. No one likes it. No one gets excited. Everyone just suggests that we move on to other things. I want to do better! I want women to really enjoy their time with me. I want to reciprocate and have fun. What am I doing wrong? What can I do right?

Discouraged Diver

Dear Diver,

I’m so glad you asked this question, because we all need to talk about it. You see, we have a cultural myth that drawing the ABCs with your tongue is the very best way to stimulate a clitoris and vulva. But that just doesn’t seem to be true for a lot of folks!

So what does feel good? Start out a little slowly. Get into position and then take a second to appreciate where you’re at. Try some touches with your hand, like cupping the vulva with some warm pressure. Touch the outer labia a little, and maybe the inner labia. You don’t have to spend a lot of time on this—it’s just a little get-to-know you exercise to give both you and your partner a second to relax.

When you’re ready to move on, remember that generally speaking, clits like stimulation that is fairly rapid and repetitive. Move your tongue up and down over and over. Or try side to side instead. Don’t start out with too much pressure (though increasing pressure as you go might be nice). Sometimes the clitoris is too sensitive for direct stimulation. If it seems like your partner is pulling her body back from you a little bit, check in about consent and then try using your tongue just above or on either side of the clit. Also, don’t forget about your lips, about trying gentle suction, and about trying different ways of using the tongue (using the tip of the tongue vs. the flat part of the tongue, etc.).

Even though clitorises like repetition, they often don’t like the same thing for too long. If you have been using an up and down motion, go side to side instead. Or do circles in one direction, and then go the other way.

Not surprisingly, this is where I’m going to remind you about communication. Check in with your partner while you’re down there. While some folks think it’s rude to talk with your mouth full, I believe that a quick, “Is this okay?” can save both of you a lot of frustration. Also, unless you and your partner are fluid bonded, please use a dental dam for your oral explorations.

Finally, I really believe that one of the most important things you can bring to any sexual encounter is enthusiasm. If you’re going to do it, do it like you mean it. All of us want to know that our partner is having a good time. If your partner can tell you love it, it makes a lot of space for her to enjoy it too.

Curious about cunnilingus? Anxious about anal? Do you have questions about queefs or problems with your prostate? Lucky Tomaszek is the education coordinator at The Tool Shed: An Erotic Boutique, Milwaukee’s only mission-driven, education-focused sex toy store. Send her an email at mkesex@gmail.com and she’ll get back to you with an answer.

About The Author

Lucky Tomaszek
Contributor

Lucky Tomaszek is the education coordinator at The Tool Shed: An Erotic Boutique, Milwaukee's only mission-driven, education-focused sex toy store. Most mornings you can find her balancing her cat and her keyboard in her lap, working to make the world a smarter, safer place for people of all genders and orientations.

X