We’ve already come to terms with the overwhelming likelihood the Milwaukee Brewers are going to be very, very (and maybe historically) bad in 2016. Between everything new GM David Stearns has said, the valuable assets who have been traded away, the face of the franchise requesting to be dealt, and the ramshackle roster the team looks to nudge onto the field 162 times this year, this season is an unabashed lame duck campaign amid a long-term—and even longer overdue—Brewers rebuild.
As refreshing as this is and as promising as the future seems for an organization that has been living in the now for so long with little to show for it, there’s still the matter of getting people to Miller Park to watch spare parts, unfamiliar youngsters, and Ryan Braun play 81 home games this year. In direct effort to get fans to the park in what projects to be a down year for the Brew Crew, the team will offer some type of promotion and/or discount for an impressive 49 home games in 2016. This season’s promotional schedule was recently set in stone. We’ve saved you some time by navigating this daunting list to figure out which games are actually worth going to this year, while picking out the five best promotions, the five worst, and the five weirdest coming to Miller Park this season.
May 1 (vs. Marlins) — Ryan Braun franchise home run leader bobblehead
As much as his career has been shrouded in injury and controversy of late, Ryan Braun will still go down as one of the best players in Milwaukee Brewers history. Shit, he already is one of the best players in team history. After all, he’s the current franchise leader for home runs. And since he’s probably going to be on the roster until at least 2020, he’ll surely hold that title for many years to come.
June 28 (vs. Dodgers) — Greg Vaughn 1990s bobblehead
Vaughn was one of the few bright spots on some truly atrocious Brewers squads. The slugger and Vaughn’s Valley namesake will always have a place in the hearts of diehard Brewers fans alongside Kevin Seitzer, Jeromy Burnitz, Jeff Cirillo, Mark Loretta, Teddy Higuera, and the like. Please let the bobblehead be wearing the lovably hideous 1992-99 uniform!
July 8 (vs. Cardinals) — Hank Aaron shirt jersey
No matter who you are, everybody can agree that Hammerin’ Hank Aaron is one of the greatest baseball players of all time. The longtime Milwaukee Braves slugger ended his career with the Brewers and truly helped put both of the city’s young baseball franchises on the map with unforgettable home runs and a winning personality. Hopefully the Hank Aaron shirt promo becomes an annual tradition.
July 10 (vs. Cardinals) — Bob Uecker alarm clock
Holy fucking shit! Not only are the Brewers giving all fans a fucking Bob Uecker alarm clock. The fucker says, “Get up, get up, get outta…bed!” God damn!
Every Monday home game — High Life Mondays
Every Monday home game will also be known as “High Life Mondays,” where Terrace Reserved seats are just $6. Sure, come August, Monday tickets will probably be like $3 on StubHub, but it’s refreshing to know people will be able to take in a game for less than what it costs to buy a High Life at said game.
April 20-24 (vs. Twins and Phillies) — Five County, Five Day ticket discount
“Thanks for paying extra sales tax for more than 20 years to help fund a now-average stadium that’s still nowhere close to being paid off. Anyway, here’s a discount to see the Philadelphia Phillies and Milwaukee Brewers play some of the worst baseball imaginable.”
May 15 (vs. Padres) — Jonathan Lucroy replica jersey (kids only)
We don’t blame the Brewers for focusing giveaways on Lucroy, being that he’s kind of the face of the Brewers and all. Still, with his request to be traded and the fact that he’s the team’s most valued trade chip (when factoring in talent and his insanely cheap contract, that is), there’s the possibility kids will be given an outdated garment in May. Even if he’s still on the team, the shirt will almost certainly be out of fashion by next spring.
June 12 (vs. Mets) — Barking bobblehank
It’s a sad state of affairs when there’s more certainty that a former stray dog will be with a team all season than there is with most human players. When will the Brewers just let a sleeping dog lie? “Never,” you say? That sounds about right.
August 26 (vs. Pirates) — MilwaukeeHome T-shirt
August 27 (vs. Pirates) — Kip Moore post-game concert
If you can’t make it to Country USA in June, you won’t want to miss Country US-Ehh at Miller Park when mid-rung modern country commodity Kip Moore plays a concert immediately after a Brewers loss against Pittsburgh.
April 10 (vs. Astros) — 1980s Vintage Brewer bobblehead
This will probably be cool, but we think it’s kind of strange that no player is mentioned. Will it be Bernie Brewer in an ’80s get-up? Just some guy in a uniform? At least it isn’t another Robin Yount bobblehead. Only Hank The Dog has more bobbleheads than Yount does.
May 14 (vs. Padres) — Andy Grammar post-game concert
Who? Nothing says baseball like an off-brand Robin Thicke performing to a stadium half full of people waiting to sober up enough to drive back to West Bend.
July 31 (vs. Pirates) — Jimmy Nelson bobblehead
It took Yovani Gallardo more than five seasons to finally get a bobblehead. Jimmy Nelson—a two-pitch hurler who tops out in the low-90s and had a 4.11 ERA in his first true professional season last year—is getting one, though. Not that we’re down on Nelson, but when one of those weird bobblehead nerds that lurks in the parking lot offers you $5 for your doll when you’re walking back to your car, take the money.
August 14 (vs. Reds) — Craig Counsell player/manager bobblehead
We get it. Counsell used to play for the Brewers. He spent much of his youth in the Milwaukee area. He now manages the Brewers. All that probably justifies the mass manufacturing of another Craig Counsell bobblehead. Where we get stuck is the player/manager part. Will he be holding a bat laughably high above his head with one arm, and using his other hand to motion to the bullpen after Matt Garza gets rocked for eight runs in three innings? Sounds complicated.
August 28 (vs. Pirates) — Jonathan Lucroy chest protector backpack (kids only)
Again, Lucroy probably shouldn’t be a candidate for late-season giveaways. Do you want your kid to be the laughing stock of the class when they go back to school with a backpack bearing the name and number of a since-departed player? It’s already bad enough the thing will probably have a fucking Meijer logo on it somewhere.