Mitch DeSantis is Milwaukee Record’s Rural/Northwoods Wisconsin Correspondent. Find his dispatches HERE.
It was a cold, snowy winter weekend, and had I stayed home I would have justified eating an entire frozen pizza straight off the baking sheet while standing over the sink. Thankfully, to save me from overdosing on sodium, my dear friend Farmer Dave invited me to his family’s shack in the woods.
This is how I found myself making the drive up north to Rhinelander, a city at the convergence of the Wisconsin and Pelican Rivers, surrounded by lakes and the Chequamegon-Nicolet National Forest, offering a wide variety of wholesome outdoor activities—hiking, biking, snowmobiling—all of which I had no intention of participating in. What intrigued me, however, was the Hodag. Rhinelander’s mythical beast is said to roam the woods like a Midwestern Bigfoot but with the body of a giant lizard and the head of a bull, a true monster of nature. Described as a green beast crawling on all fours, the Hodag is adorned with horns running from its head down its spine, ending in a long, menacing tail.
Local man, E.S. “Gene” Shepard famously claimed to have captured the creature in 1893, only to later reveal it was a hoax designed to promote a Rhinelander-based lumber company. But rather than collectively sigh and move on, the people of Rhinelander doubled down. Take a drive through the town and you’ll spot nods to the Hodag everywhere: Hodag CrossFit, Hodag Honda, a Hodag-themed Airbnb. And if you wake up sore from your stay, you can always visit Hodag Chiropractic—where, for all I know, the chiropractor adjusts spines while wearing furry green Hulk hands.
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/lei6JnYuUY4
But no business commits to the bit quite like The Hodag Store—a lime-green shrine to all things Hodag. The moment I stepped inside, I knew I was in the right place. The walls were covered in more than 200 Hodag-themed items: clothing, home décor, plush toys, and most importantly to my mission, beverages. The man behind the counter had dyed his hair bright green, a look that, while I could never pull off, I respected for its level of dedication.
For the sake of this dumb hobby (and because I have little self-control), I purchased every Hodag-branded beverage I could find. And yes, dear reader, I am here to rank them so you don’t have to.
HODAG VODKA
Made by Northern Waters Distillery in Minocqua, Wisconsin
Farmer Dave’s verdict? Terrible. He described it as the drinking equivalent of getting hit in the face with a basketball while wearing glasses—an experience my handsome asthmatic childhood best friend knows all too well. He found it to be soapy, overly sweet, and generally unpleasant. He gave it a solid 3/10.
I, on the other hand, found it slightly more tolerable. Not great by any means, but it’s drinkable. It tasted like potato water that fought back, although it mercifully evaporated quickly on the tongue. 5/10.
HODAG BEER
A pilsner, made by Northwoods Brewpub
Farmer Dave despised it, dismissing it as a bad seltzer. 0/10.
I, once again, found it to be just fine. Neither offensive nor impressive—just vaguely corny water. 5/10.
HODAG WATERMELON SODA
Made by Sprecher Brewing Company
Farmer Dave liked this one. He had a Team Scoopie earlier that day from Culver’s (the flavor of the day was strawberry), and he swore it tasted just like it. 7/10.
I, however, hated it. It felt like I had melted an entire pint glass full of Jolly Ranchers in the microwave and then drank the result. 3/10.
https://www.tiktok.com/@sprecherbrewery/video/7263108493593529646
HODAG HOT SAUCE
Made by Hellfire Hot Sauce in Lake Geneva, Wisconsin
Is this a beverage? Not really. But I’m a hot sauce fiend, and technically, it is a liquid—one you could drink if you had nothing else to live for.
This one is no joke. Made with Carolina Reaper and green habanero peppers, roasted garlic, Granny Smith apples, tomatillos, cilantro, scallions, and lime juice, it packs serious heat. A little goes a long way.
Farmer Dave loved it, especially the fruity notes. 9/10.
I also thought it was great—the apple helped wash away some of the Carolina Reaper burn. 8/10.
HODAG VODKA + HODAG WATERMELON SODA
In a twist of fate, combining two of our least favorite items created one of our favorite experiences of the day. Mixed, they transformed into a surprisingly festive party punch. Maybe it was the sheer amount of alcohol we had already consumed, but by the end of the tasting, this was a welcome, easy sipper.
We both gave it an 8/10.
Here’s the ranking based on the average scores:
1. Hodag Hot Sauce (8.5/10)
2. Hodag Vodka + Watermelon Soda Mix (8/10)
3. Hodag Watermelon Soda (5/10)
4. Hodag Vodka (4/10)
5. Hodag Beer (2.5/10)
By night’s end we had thoroughly explored the world of Hodag-related beverages. Farmer Dave dozed off in a chair by the wood stove while I pondered my life choices. Somewhere in the woods, the real Hodag likely watched, unimpressed—perhaps by the sheer audacity of two clueless, doughy dopes passing judgment on drinks without a shred of expertise.
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