In recent years, THC-based beverages have become all the rage. These hemp-derived drinks are a nice alternative to alcohol, and they offer consumers a decidedly different sensation. As is the case with booze, we’re in full support of THC-tinged drinks being on the market as long as people enjoy responsibly.
In recent years, a growing number of Milwaukee bars have adapted and have taken steps to become more inclusive to non-drinkers by stocking their coolers with hemp-harvested selections. Included in the early adopters (at least in a state as laughably antiquated in its marijuana legislation as Wisconsin) are a number of businesses in Bay View. Given the high concentration of canned cannabinoids in this Milwaukee neighborhood, two Milwaukee Record writers decided to embark on a 4.20-mile THC crawl to seven different bars one fateful spring Saturday. Here’s how it went.
Stop 1 — Sugar Maple
Mitch DeSantis: Much like a group of Hobbits about to embark on a peculiar journey, we found our Shire-like home at The Sugar Maple to start this hemp-fueled crusade, a fitting starting point in the heart of Bay View and in my recollection one of the first neighborhood spots to roll the dice on Delta-9 THC for on-premise consumption, a move that now feels ahead of its time given how popular the market has become for these beverages. While they offer non-alcoholic cocktails with a 5mg THC tincture, I opted for a THC infused cream soda from Milwaukee’s oldest regional craft brewery, Sprecher Brewing Company.
Wonderfully, the THC version tastes nearly identical to the original, rich, honey-sweetened indulgent original. Sugar Maple also stocks THC beverages from brands like Goodwell, Rai Elevated, and Pigeon Row, and at this early stage, joined by Peter Greegio and my brewing-savvy friend Towny, who gave a nod of approval to the Pigeon Row Orange Soda as something Kel Mitchell himself would appreciate, the THC hadn’t quite tickled the lizard part of my brain yet, but we had just walked out the front door here and to quote Bilbo Baggins. “It’s a dangerous business…going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don’t keep your feet, there’s no knowing where you might be swept off to.”
Tyler Maas: As someone who typically cycles a 5-10mg THC drink into the rotation maybe two or three times a year (always when I know I won’t be leaving the house or interacting with anyone), I must admit I was nervous to do this. After preparing myself with hearty lunch from Sweet Smoke BBQ and taking down a bunch of water, I begin this sticky-icky sojourn with a 5mg sparking lemonade from Rai Elevated. It was refreshing and just the right mix of sweet and tart, which makes nursing it a tough task. By the time we depart, I’m starting to feel a little bit…different.
Stop 2 — Burnhearts (Part 1)
MD: Whoa, what the fuck is going on here? It’s 3:45 p.m. on a Saturday and this place is already at capacity, with every single person wearing the same T-shirt as its some sort of cult or even worse, mandated company outing. Either way, it’s absolutely packed, and we are not sticking around to crack the case.
TM: Yeah, I walked in and instantly Abe Simpson’ed the hell out of there. We’ll hit you on the way back, Burnhearts. Much like that time [Lord Of The Rings character] returned to [Lord Of The Rings place] after [significant Lord Of The Rings event].
Stop 3 — Vanguard
MD: With 10mg starting to gently tickle my brain and awaken the Balrog that is my snack-driven tummy, we landed at Vanguard, where we posted up with a round of WYNK’s Mango THC Seltzer. WYNK keeps it clean, zero sugar and zero calories at 5mg Delta-9 THC and 5mg CBD. It was refreshing considering the pretty caloric cream soda I had previously. Meanwhile, shout out to the fine people of Pittsburgh for inventing the stoner’s dream meal by topping glizzies with coleslaw and fries like absolute kings. Peter Greegio clocked that our food arrived at exactly 4:20 p.m., prompting a deeply intellectual chorus of “nice” as we clinked our WYNKs together. At this point, 15mg in, I’m not exactly seeing through the multiverse, but my shoulders have entered a pleasant loosey-goosey like state. Before we bounced, I ducked into the bathroom and spotted a note of graffiti that felt spiritually in tune with today’s venture.
TM: Like Mitch, I opt for a specialty hot dog. My motivation is equal parts self-preservation, knowing what’s ahead of me/not knowing exactly how I’ll handle it, and simply wanting a Chicago Dog because they’re delicious. The WYNK Mango is also good, but I spend far more time with that component of the meal. I’m officially kind of high and have gone mostly silent aside from shooting down the thought of staying for another round because we have more stops to make.
Stop 4 — Blackbird Bar
MD: From Vanguard, we set off on the 0.8 mile trek to Blackbird, the first of our longer stretches of walking. Once inside, the 15mg started to set in: not too stoned to function, but enough to sprinkle some extra verbal “uhhhs” and “umms” into my order with the bartender. I went with Third Space Brewing’s “Head Space Lemon-Lime Citra,” which at 10mg of D9 THC this sparkling water has natural lemon-lime flavor with support from the Citra Hop strain. I found it personally to be delightfully refreshing and made note that Third Space is one of the first in town to get this kind of product to market. It was at this point in the journey that Peter Greegio was lost to the Balrog and Towny, much like Boromir being killed by the Uruk-hai via multiple arrows was given a Viking like funeral. The Fellowship was broken, with only Tyler (Frodo in this case) and myself (Samwise) to endure the long road ahead.
TM: I don’t have a fantasy film reference for you here, but the somewhat substantial walk truly helped to refresh me and bring me back to life. Kind of like when, like, a mythical…guy, um, walked somewhere far away to deliver a potion to a…unicorn? (Sorry.) Anyway, I also struggle mightily to muster words to carry out a drink order normally at Blackbird, but eventually wind up with a mercifully easy-going Magic Cactus lavender raspberry sparking cactus water that’s 2mg THC (along with 4mg CBG and 6mg CBD).
It should be noted that Blackbird offers more than 15 different THC, CBD, and CBG options. Impressive! With another lengthy stretch of pavement ahead of us, I take my time with my beverage and slowly return to being social…or as social as a guy like me can get. Eventually, I tempt fate and take up Mitch’s offer for a beer, adding a pint of Riverwest Stein to the mix. I don’t regret it. I’m sure there’s a LOTR scenario that mirrors this perfectly, but it escapes me.
Stop 5 — Busby’s
MD: Our halfway point in the journey. Definitely at the stage where you hope the road ahead doesn’t demand too many thoughtful interactions with the public but of course, life insists we mingle anyway. We switched it up with a non-alcoholic Bloody Marys spiked with 5mg of locally made Kelly’s Greens THC tincture. The shift from seltzers to a bloody was a real positive shift. The fixins of the bloody helped keep the munchies at bay and the tomato juice gave me the boost of vitamins I needed to continue trudging wearily through what would soon feel like post-Battle of Dagorlad landscape that is the “Dead Marshes.”
TM: Again, I’m not much of a LOTR guy, but it was nice to run into Busby’s owner and my Morgan Park Picnic co-organizer Rob Zellermayer and chat for a bit as we officially surpass the halfway point of our 4.20-mile trek. It was sort of like when, uh, Bilbo told the dragon—ah, forget it! Back in reality, Rob seemed amused when we told him about our adventure, and was super informative in telling us that pretty much any cocktail at Busby’s can have Kelly’s THC tincture subbed in for alcohol. Like Mitch, I went for the THC-tinted Virgin Mary—cleverly called the Bloody Mary Jane—and enjoyed the savory reprieve from seltzer. The beef stick and pickled veggies were also clutch. Only 1.9 miles and three bars on our chosen 4.20-mile route left!
Stop 6 — Wiggle Room
MD: Finding a spot at the bar, we had a good chat with Milwaukee’s greatest hype man, Christreater, who, for the sake of consistency, served as our Tom Bombadil on this journey. He joked that we should have consumed 420 grams of edibles, and picturing myself shitting my pants on the dance floor if that ever were to happen, I instead opted for the Climbing Kites Peach Prickly Pear 5mg THC/CBD-infused sparkling water. The peach flavor was bright and enjoyable.
TM: I settled in with my Milwaukee-made Kind Oasis 2.5mg Cranberry Old Fashioned Seltzer much like the noble clown prince Purvis settled into the shire after the…hobbit thing or whatever. As I looked out the window and noticed it was starting to snow like [snowy LOTR place here], which prompted me to chug my seltzer—a great THC approximation of Wisconsin’s favorite cocktail, by the way—and continue on to our penultimate bar.
Pit Stop at Bay View Quick Mart
MD: Walking into Bay View Quick Mart felt like the Fellowship arriving in Lothlórien after surviving the mines of Moria—a rare reprieve from the battles of the day. Instead of receiving the Phial of Galadriel or Lembas Bread, I left with a bag of Late Night Loaded Taco–flavored Doritos. I love a good Dorito gimmick and I could probably write 10,000 words on Doritos, but I’ll leave that between me and my bedtime journal. Oh, and they had a prominent display of THC-infused beverages.
TM: As Mitch’s THC-seasoned self effortlessly enjoyed his Doritos I struggle mightily to open my bag of mini pretzels and my Kinder Bueno (which has two individually plastic-wrapped bars inside of an outer wrapper, making it both wasteful and hard for “impaired” people like me in that moment to access). Like “accidentally” having seven High Lifes during a Packer game, these relatively weak THC drinks have stacked up over time and I’m now unarguably high. But the end is in sight…even if that sight is a tad blurry at this point.
Stop 7 — Burnhearts (Part 2)
MD: By the time we arrived at Burnhearts, the chaos from earlier stops and had finally settled down. We decided to split a single can of Fermentorium Blood Orange. An easy 2.5 mg of D9 THC per can-which we consumed with the grim determination of Dumbledore facing the emerald “Drink of Despair.” I had meant to stick strictly to Lord Of The Rings references, but frankly, at this point, I’d have a hard time picking Gandalf out of an eyewitness lineup that also included Dumbledore, Tim Allen’s Santa Claus, and Teen Wolf. The fizzy citrus was a gentle companion, a small, measured indulgence before continuing on our quest.
TM: I actually thought I saw Gandalf at Burnhearts, but it was just Water Street Brewery’s head brewer and man about town George Bluvas. An upgrade if you ask me! He, too, seemed tickled to learn of our mission and was (hopefully) understanding when I wordlessly walked away at one point to eat my snacks before our seltzer arrived. We chugged it and departed. Super highness was inevitable. It was just a race against time now.
Stop 8 — The Mothership
MD: Since we ended the night at a James Beard-nominated bar, does that mean this article might have a shot at a Pulitzer? Fingers crossed. The Mothership doesn’t list their THC drinks on the printed menu, but a careful eye on the bulletin board behind the bar reveals a choice between “Mango Weed” and “Watermelon Weed.” I went with Mango Weed and settled outside by the food truck. Each sip of the WYNK Mango felt like carrying the Ring across Mordor, while the corn dog from Dooby Dogs was like the Great Eagles swooping in to save Frodo and Sam from the volcanic eruption of Mount Doom.
TM: By the time Mitch and I took a seat at The Mothership’s side patio, we had traveled a total of 4.4 miles. We had done it! Well, once we finished our final THC beverage. I, too, opted for Mango Weed and added a celebratory pitcher of Hamm’s (my preciousssssss!) to the order for us as something of a victory lap. And yeah, I had a corn dog, too. After all, why not? Why shouldn’t I eat it?! (Okay, so I guess I know like two LOTR things!)
To Conclude…
MD: By the end of the night, with roughly 37.5 mg of THC in me, it was as if I had survived the trek across Middle-earth. Every sip and bite along the way had its trials and at last, I reached the Grey Havens, a calm shore after battle, ready to let the waves carry me home. Would I do this journey again? Never say never, but not anytime soon.
TM: I won’t be doing this again, BUT this endeavor did let me know my tolerance has improved of late. So I will be incorporating a THC bevy into my repertoire a little more at home and I might even opt for one while out at bars from time to time if I know I won’t be driving or talking business. Heck, maybe I’ll enjoy one—emphasis on ONE—before going out on a walk, be it 4.20 miles or otherwise. Oh, and I should really get around to watching The Lord Of The Rings trilogy at some point. They sound pretty good!