Dear MKE SEX,
I recently had an especially amazing sexual encounter with a partner on his hard wood floors. He continued to thrust as I reached orgasm, and on one of the out motions, there was a splash on his thighs and a little on the floor, too. He freaked, saying that I’d peed on his hardwood. But I insisted that no, I had ejaculated. As a sexually active woman in my 30s, I’m pretty sure I have a better grasp on this than he does. He thought I was crazy, because “everyone knows that girl squirt is really just pee!” A disagreement ensued, which frankly ruined the end of a very nice night. Which one of us is right? Did I ejaculate or pee?
Damply yours,
Wet and Wondering
Dear Wet/Won,
(A quick note about terminology here. Squirting is also known as female ejaculation, a term that assumes that all people with vaginas are female. We now understand that gender isn’t determined by biology. Since Wet/Won identifies as a woman, I’ll mostly use terms that affirm that identity, but with an overall leaning toward gender neutrality. If anyone out there has a vagina, the following information may be helpful to you.)
This is in the top five most frequently asked questions that sex educators hear. People want to know if the phenomenon is real or myth, if it’s urine or some other fluid, and if everyone with a vagina is capable of ejaculation.
Your lover’s reaction to the situation and his assertion that “girl squirt is just pee” is both typical and disappointing. Our culture is repulsed by most bodily fluids, and there aren’t many things more shame inducing than confounding pleasure and bathroom activities. So, let’s start there. What if it was pee? If your bladder did leak, what is the actual problem? Hardwood floors wipe up and urine is sterile until it hits the air. If you had peed, someone just needed to grab a towel and clean up.
All of that being said, it’s very unlikely you peed on his floor. The physical structures of penis/testes and the vulva/vagina are analogous, with corresponding structures occurring across biologic sex. The head of the penis and the head of the clitoris are both very sensitive, for instance. Similarly, the labia and the scrotum are soft and fuzzy.
When a person with a penis has an orgasm, we mostly know what to expect. They become aroused, get hard, stimulate the penis, and then ejacuate. And no one ever thinks that person just peed. Everyone knows that ejaculate and urine are different when they come out of a penis. During arousal, the spongy tissue of the prostate has swollen and blocked the flow of urine from the bladder.
The same thing happens inside a woman’s body, but the spongy tissue is called the g-spot instead of the prostate. It swells during arousal, blocking the flow of urine from the bladder. If you leak fluid when you’re aroused, it is almost certainly not pee. It could be natural lubrication (which comes from the vagina), or it could be ejaculate (which comes from very small glands near the urethra). Just like everything else about humans, everybody and *every body* is different. Some women will make lots of fluids, and others won’t make much (or any) at all. While all women-born people have g-spots, not all of us have the physical structures to squirt. And it’s likely that some women have the physical capability to ejaculate, but won’t ever do it for exactly the reason you mentioned: they’re afraid they’ll pee.
There has not been nearly enough research on female pleasure, and a lot is still unknown about all of this. There are a few great books on the topic though. My personal favorite is Women’s Anatomy Of Arousal by Sheri Winston, CNM, BSN. Sex is always a little messy, and there’s often a lot of unnecessary self-conscious fretting. If you still have concerns, just make sure to empty your bladder before you have sex, keep a towel handy, and go with the flow. (Pun intended. Sorry, not sorry).
Curious about cunnilingus? Anxious about anal? Do you have questions about queefs or problems with your prostate? Lucky Tomaszek is the education coordinator at The Tool Shed: An Erotic Boutique, Milwaukee’s only mission-driven, education-focused sex toy store. Send her an email at [email protected] and she’ll get back to you with an answer.