Dear MKE SEX,

I have this recurring fantasy that’s pretty elaborate. I’m alone in a room when my partner sweeps in unexpectedly, grabs me, tosses me on the bed and makes me do whatever he wants for as long as he wants. That’s the elaborate part! It’s so detailed. This fantasy has followed me since I was a naive teenage girl through every stage of my life. I’m in my mid-30s now and it’s still hanging around. The “boyfriend” role changes depending on who I’m dating or what movie I’ve seen recently. And the “indecent acts” we perform together change a little too. But there’s always an element of force, even though I’m never scared. For more than 15 years I’ve been imagining this! Can you believe it? I was talking to a friend about it. She told me a little bit about BDSM because she does that. And she thought maybe I keep having this fantasy because I just need to find someone who will act it out with me. That made me think, maybe I’d like BDSM too? But mostly, I just want to finally do this! How do I make it happen? I have a new-ish boyfriend but I don’t know if he’d be into it. How can I find out?

Thanks!
Dream Girl

Dear Dream Girl,

Lots of women (young and old) have fantasies that are similar in theme to the one you’ve described here. While you might be interested in BDSM, you might also be someone who just gets off thinking about it! Many, many people find BDSM-laden fantasies super hot, but actually participating in a scene may be a bridge too far for them.

Even though your fantasy is pretty common (and would def fall under the BDSM umbrella), it’s not a good representation of how most BDSM actually works. Most of the time, scenes are pre-negotiated and scheduled for times when privacy is assured. Consent is given ahead of time, but is also confirmed at various points in the scene. All players know that consent can be withdrawn at any point, and that all activities will stop if that happens.

If you’re interested in asking your boyfriend to act this out with you, you should use clear communication about what exactly you want. BDSM is mostly talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, trying something new, and then talking some more. If you’re not comfortable talking about sex, or giving feedback and direction during and after sex, BDSM is probably not right for you.

Consent and negotiation go hand in hand! It’s best if this process of negotiation takes place before any kinky play has happened. Negotiation needs to be a back and forth process where each of you has the opportunity to talk about what you want, whether you’ve done anything like this before, any limits you have physically or emotionally, and anything else that will help you both enjoy the fantasy. Does your fantasy include things like being spanked or tied up? Do you want a lot of talking, like him ordering you around or you pretending that you don’t really want to do those things? If so, is your partner comfortable with that? You might have to come back to it a few times before you feel like you have everything really sorted out.

Activities like the one you’ve been dreaming about can elicit strong emotional and physical responses in our bodies. Even experienced kinksters can find themselves suddenly overwhelmed and need to take a break! One of the most important things to figure out ahead of time is how you can stop the fantasy if you need to. Many people rely on a safe word for this. It’s a tried and true way that either of you can slow down or end a scene. You want to pick a word that you wouldn’t normally use during sex so that its meaning can’t be mistaken for anything else. Some people use red (stop), yellow (slow down), and green (go) instead of a safe word. There’s also nothing wrong with using common words like, “pause,” “wait,” or “stop.” Those are fine safe words—and easier to remember when things get intense.

You’ll also want to plan the scene for a time when you won’t be interrupted. Since the single most important part of kink is consent, remember that a bystander or casual passerby has not been given the opportunity to consent to witnessing your scene.

(I know, I know—it’s so much planning! Fantasies are an important part of a healthy sex life for many people. Bringing those fantasies to life in safe, consensual ways takes a lot of work and a lot of time. But this really is one area where you don’t want to cut corners.)

You’ve shared your dreams, negotiated your boundaries, mutually given consent, established a safe word, and secured a sexy location. Good work! Now you’re ready to play. It can be a little difficult at first to really let go and allow yourself to inhabit the roles you’ve taken on in the scene. Try to recall the excitement you’ve felt since adolescence and remind yourself that it’s really happening. Focus on the sensations and try to let yourself get swept away just like you’ve always wanted.

Once the two of you have played out your fantasy, it’s important to plan adequate care for the end of a scene. This is called aftercare and it might include things like cuddling under blankets, watching television, eating favorite foods and rehydrating (definitely have a big glass of water!), taking a bath or shower, and other activities you both enjoy and find comforting. The two of you should stay together until you both feel like yourselves again.

The last step is also important, even if you may feel like you’ve communicated until you’re blue in the face with all of this! You should set aside some time to process the scene you shared. Talk about what worked, what didn’t work, how you felt physically and emotionally, and start thinking about whether you want to continue exploring BDSM together (or separately). There are no right or wrong answers to these questions. But talking them through is an important part of learning about yourselves and each other.

Curious about cunnilingus? Anxious about anal? Do you have questions about queefs or problems with your prostate? Lucky Tomaszek is the education coordinator at The Tool Shed: An Erotic Boutique, Milwaukee’s only mission-driven, education-focused sex toy store. Send her an email at [email protected] and she’ll get back to you with an answer.

About The Author

Contributor

Lucky Tomaszek, LM, CPM, is the education coordinator at The Tool Shed: An Erotic Boutique, Milwaukee's only mission-driven, education-focused sex toy store. Most mornings you can find her balancing her cat and her keyboard in her lap, working to make the world a smarter, safer place for people of all genders and orientations.

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