Dear MKE SEX,
I’m looking for a little support to help me “break up” with my FWB for the third time…hopefully. If I don’t chicken out. It started out good with lots of laughs and lots of great sex. And I really need that sex right now. I’ve felt so lonely and unattractive for so long! My husband and I separated several months ago, partly because he lost all interest in fucking me. It didn’t matter how hard I tried, he just ignored me. So when things started with my FWB, it seemed so perfect. But now it’s all different. I know he’s in love with me, but it’s not reciprocated in any way, so ending it seems like the kind thing to do. I absolutely love fucking him, but I do not love spending time with him. I’m so heartbroken because he used to be a good friend before we started having sex. I actually thought about him often in the 15 years since we had seen each other. He’s already exhibited abusive behavior when he gets angry. He’s also exhibited gaslighting behaviors. It seems like it should be easy given that he’s a jerk when we’re not fucking. I’m like “ewww toxic masculinity.” But he also calls me “best girl” and dotes on me and fucks like a monster (in the best way). I sent him a break-up text last night, but today I’ve already been messaging him, and sent him a tit pic. I feel so weak and stupid for not being able to just end this.
Help?
Why’s It Gotta Be So Hard
Dear Gotta Be,
Having a friend with benefits can be really rewarding and a lot of fun, too, as long as both people are clear about their expectations. If one of the friends develops more romantic feelings, it can create an unhealthy dynamic. While a casual relationship may still be possible, often things become difficult, or even painful. One of the friends hopes for more depth and is disappointed, while the other friend feels pressured to move forward in a way that isn’t authentic for them. So, the fact that your FWB has fallen in unreciprocated love with you is going to make it difficult to continue.
The fact that he’s also abusive, and using gaslighting behaviors, tells me that this FWB situation has definitely run its course. Your inclination to end this relationship is the right one. And believe me, I understand that this is easier said than done! It’s hard when your sexuality isn’t honored in your marriage. It sounds like there was a fair amount of neglect that happened there, and that can really leave a mark. But you didn’t leave that painful situation just to step into another one. In situations like this, I think it’s a good idea to talk to yourself the way you would talk to your best friend. What would you tell someone else to do in this situation? What advice would you give to someone you care about? I am all the way here for having lots of (consensual) freaky sexy adventures with as many folks as you’d like. But show abusers to the door. This can be hard to do when you’ve previously been neglected. It feels like we might not actually find someone else who will do the things that make our toes curl. There are so many people in this world who will want to fuck you the right way. It doesn’t have to be him.
And one more thing. From my vantage point, you are neither weak nor stupid. You are looking for the connection and fulfillment that most people long for. Reaching out for that, and basking in it, are really normal behaviors. You sound like a frisky, adventurous, powerful woman who wants to share some of that with other people. That is not stupid or weak. That’s human, and it’s beautiful.
Curious about cunnilingus? Anxious about anal? Do you have questions about queefs or problems with your prostate? Lucky Tomaszek is the education coordinator at The Tool Shed: An Erotic Boutique, Milwaukee’s only mission-driven, education-focused sex toy store. Send her an email at [email protected] and she’ll get back to you with an answer.