Here at Milwaukee Record we employ a sentient machine known as the Great Job, Milwaukee! Bot. It keeps track of the city’s many appearances on dopey online lists and studies, as well as any time a national publication acknowledges our pathetic Midwest existence. Enjoy!
If you ask us, Bernie Brewer is arguably the best mascot in Major League Baseball. Instead of being a family-friendly and sanitized version of his team’s animal-based name, a goofy committee-created creature like the Phillie Phanatic, or some dude or lady with a gigantic baseball head, Bernie is pretty much just a mustachioed and vaguely Germanic brewery employee who happily hangs out in his little outfield cottage between photo ops and trips down his slide whenever the Brewers homer. He’s just like us…except a little bit fuzzier.
Well, if you ask the whizzes over at online gambling site BetUS, our boy Bernie is also “crush-worthy” and something of a sex symbol. According to a recent report from the long-running internet sports book, Mr. Brewer is the 18th most attractive MLB mascot. This very official determination that was surely arrived upon after lots of thought and consideration was part of a larger “report” that evaluated the attractiveness and overall appeal of numerous “behind-the-scenes” MLB figures. Beyond mascots, the rankings include pro baseball-adjacent figures like umpires, current MLB broadcasters, local broadcasters, managers, and MLB Network personalities.
In terms of the whole list, Bernie lands in the semi-respectable 250th overall slot. For frame of reference, Brewers broadcasters Sophia Minnaert and Bill Schroeder landed in the No. 72 and No. 698 slots, respectively. Milwaukee manager Pat Murphy ranks 798th. Moving back to mascots, the top MLB mascot hottie honors go to Baxter, the muscular bobcat who reps the Arizona Diamondbacks. Other high-ranking mascots include the aforementioned Phillie Phanatic, Clark the Cub, Rosie Red, and Mrs. Met (shortly followed by Mr. Met).
Here’s the portion of the mascot list BetUS shared, which cuts off before it gets to Bernie. While we can’t claim to be experts on mascot attractiveness (and we cast no judgement whatsoever on our furry friends out there on the internet!), we think Bernie Brewer winding up in the middle of the pack is nothing short of a travesty. Perhaps BetUS would change its tune and its ranking if they saw Bernie without his mustache.
Oh, never mind. That’s actually horrifying.