Sometimes an email comes across our desks that needs no explanation. Sometimes that email is promoting a debut album from a one-man grindcore band that also needs no explanation. So, without any further explanation, here’s an email we recently received promoting the debut album from one-man grindcore band Chopping Mall, Mauled By A Magical Bear With Scalding Hot Liquid Cheese Spraying From Its Eyesockets. It even has all the lyrics!

Hey this is Koth Dolgomoru from Milwaukee and I’m writing to let you know about the new album from one-man grindcore band CHOPPING MALL, entitled “Mauled By A Magical Bear With Scalding Hot Liquid Cheese Spraying From Its Eyesockets.” Just take a moment to think about how fucked-up that would be if it really happened. Your camping trip would be ruined. Also that’s exactly what’s on the album cover.

These songs are cautionary tales with not just catchy pulverizing riffs, but also lyrics that deal with complex issues such as food, magic, occupational hazards, and getting killed by forest animals. The lessons you learn from this music will probably save your life, and the lives of others, and in the end will make you a better person.

The same amount of effort was put into writing this as was put into writing the lyrics (each song’s lyrics written in under 5 minutes).

Please take a moment to check out the tunes, throw a sandwich against the wall, and maybe even consider it as a subject for a review or feature on your website. I mean, come on. Aren’t you sick of all the same old submissions from a bunch of dumb boring post-metal bands trying way too hard to be cool when they are actually total poseurs? Don’t you wan’t to write about Mauled By A Magical Bear With Scalding Hot Liquid Cheese Spraying From Its Eyesockets, an album made by one stupid asshole with no friends? Trust me, the lyrics will give you a lot to work with. And there’s an unexpected song at the end. It will be fun and great. This email is stupid.

Also please enjoy the lyrics below. Each set of lyrics was written in under 5 minutes.

MASHED INTO AN UNRECOGNIZABLE PULP
EEEEEEEEEEEE! GARBAGE IN THE COMPACTOR, THROW IT IN AND SHUT THE DOOR, ACTIVATE THE TRASH SMASHOR. SAFETY SYSTEMS ARE BYPASSED, YOU FALL IN THERE WITH THE TRASH, NOW YOU’RE GETTING REALLY SMASHED. EEEEEEEEEEEEEE! AWFUL-SMELLING JUICES SPRAY, SQUEEZED FROM PILES OF DECAY, HEATED ON THROUGHOUT THE DAY. MECHANISMS UNFORGIVING, HYDRAULIC SYSTEMS NOW CRUSH, MASHED INTO A PILE OF MUSH. EEEEEEEEEEEEEE. MASHED INTO AN UNRECOGNIZABLE PULP!

FORCED TO EAT MOLDY GRANOLA
A CAMPING TRIP IN THE WILDERNESS. YOU HAVE TO BRING YOUR OWN FOOD. STICKS OF CHEESE AND SOME SLIM JIMS. A SMALL AMOUNT OF TRAIL MIX.
THE HIKE IS LONG AND STRENUOUS, YOU’RE WORKING UP AN APPETITE. YOU HAVEN’T TRIED GRANOLA YET. FOCUSED ON EATING OTHER FOODS. EATING FOOD FOR THE ENERGY, BUT RACCOONS TAKE YOUR FOOD. AND LEAVE YOU WITH NOTHING MORE THAN A PACKAGE OF GRANOLA THAT IS MOLDY. THE RACCOONS RAN AWAY WITH YOUR FOOD, AND NOW YOU’RE LOST IN THE FOREST. IN A STATE OF DESPERATION YOU TAKE A HANDFUL OF MOLD. IT WAS A MISTAKE. YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE EATEN IT. THE TOXINS FILL YOUR BLOODSTREAM AND TURN YOU INTO A ZOMBIE. YOUR BRAIN IS NOW A PILE OF MUSH. YOU WANDER TO A BEAR CAVE, AND THEN THE BEAR EATS YOU, AND NOW WE HAVE A ZOMBIE BEAR.
FORCED TO EAT MOLDY GRANOLA!

RAPID FORMATION OF MOLD
DECAYING OLD FOOD LEFT OUT AT ROOM TEMPERATURE TOO LONG. INFESTED AND ROTTING, IT IS RECLAIMED BY NATURE. IT’S CONSUMED BY MOLD FORMS AND YOUR DINNER PLANS ARE RUINED. DIGESTED BY PLANT LIFE, IT’S NOW JUST A SMORGASBORD OF MUSH. IT’S LIQUEFIED (AND OSSIFIED) AND NOW THERE’S NO RETURN FROM THE OTHER SIDE. IT’S RUINED (BY TOXINS) AND NOW IT’S JUST A BIG OLD PILE OF MUSH. BIG PILE OF MUSH.

BURNED BY HOT POPCORN STEAM
TIME FOR FUN, IT’S MOVIE NIGHT AND EVERYONE IS FEELIN’ RIGHT, SNACKS ARE IN THE KITCHEN (YOU WENT TO ALDI). PAUSE THE MOVIE, TAKE A BREAK, YOU THINK IT IS A GOOD IDEA TO GO MAKE SOME POPCORN (BRAND IS GENERIC). YOU DIDN’T READ THE INSTRUCTIONS. YOU DIDN’T READ THE PACKAGE. YOU DIDN’T HEED THE WARNINGS. HOT STEAM BURNS YOUR FACE. MICROWAVE WATTAGE IS HIGH, ALSO IT IS BROKEN AND DOES NOT WORK PROPERLY (OLD SHITTY MICROWAVE). OPENING THE POPCORN BAG IN FRONT OF YOUR STUPID FACE, BUTTER LOVERS’ THIRD-DEGREE BURNS. BURNED BY HOT POPCORN STEAM!

GORED BY A DINOSAUR SKELETON THAT CAME TO LIFE AT THE MUSEUM
FIELD TRIP WITH THE FUCKIN’ SCHOOL, MY FUCKIN’ CLASSMATES ARE ASSHOLES.
MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY, CURSED AND HAUNTED FROM THE MUMMIES. MY TEACHER IS A SATAN-WORSHIPPER, SUMMONING THE POWERS OF THE DEAD. CAUSING SKELETONS TO COME TO LIFE, RIPPING EVERYONE TO SHREDS. DINOSAUR SKELETON TEARING UNSUSPECTING VISITORS LIMB FROM LIMB. STEGASAUR, TYRANOSAUR, CREATING A NEW MESS FOR THE JANITOR. DINOSAUR,
SEE THE GORE, HUMAN MEAT IS SHREDDED BY THE RAPTOR. REVENGE FOR EXTINCTION, BACK FROM THE DEAD TO KILL AGAIN. PRIMORDIAL RESURRECTION,
HUMANS ARE FOOD, LIVE DISSECTION. ARCHAEOLOGICAL GORE DESTRUCTION,
EATEN ALIVE BY DINOSAUR SKELETONS. JURASSIC OBLITERATION, NOT ENOUGH MOPS AT THE JANITOR STATION. EATEN ALIVE BY DINOSAUR SKELETONS, RUINS YOUR TRIP TO THE MUSEUM.

IMPALED BY ELEPHANT TUSKS
YOU’RE A RICH FUCKING PRICK, YOU PAID FOR A HUNTING SAFARI. WITH YOUR DUMB LITTLE KHAKI OUTFIT, SOON YOU WILL BE SORRY. YOU THINK YOU’RE A TOUGH GUY IN THE SAFETY OF YOUR HUMVEE. WASTING TONS OF GASOLINE IN THE DESERTS OF MALI. TROPHY HUNTING IS FOR ASSHOLES AND YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE. YOU’RE A SPOILED RICH LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT, KILLING JUST FOR TROPHY. YOU SEE SOME NICE ELEPHANTS MINDING THEIR OWN BUSINESS. YOU REACH FOR YOUR BIG GUN, COMPENSATE FOR YOUR SMALL PENIS. ON THIS DAY THE ELEPHANT WILL TAKE REVENGE, IT’S HIGH ON PEYOTE. IT IS MUCH STRONGER, AND MUCH BIGGER THAN YOU SO IT STOMPS YOUR HUMVEE. ELEPHANT’S FOOT STOMPING THE SHIT OUT OF YOU, TRUNK CRUSHING YOUR TORSO. IVORY TUSKS IMPALE AND DISMEMBER YOU, IMPALED BY ELEPHANT TUSKS!

SHITTING IN JOEL OALSTEENS MOUTH
SUCH A PILE OF BULLSHIT, SUCH A FUCKIN’ BUZZKILL, I REALLY HATE YOUR FUCKING FACE. YOU LOOK LIKE A FUCKING TWAT, EVERY SINGLE WORD YOU SAY
IS A LOAD OF GOAT SHIT. YOU’RE A LYING SACK OF SHIT, IN SECRET YOU PROBABLY
PAY HOOKERS TO SHIT ON YOU. YOU COMMAND AN ARMY OF EASILY-DECEIVED GRANNIES & OLD PEOPLE IN FLORIDA. TELEVISED BILLIONAIRE, BRAINWASHING WEAK-MINDED RUBES, TURNING THEIR BRAINS INTO MUSH. MAKING UP A BUNCH OF SHIT, RAKING ALL THEIR MONEY IN WITH YOUR SHIT-EATING GRIN. YOU LOOK LIKE A BALL BAG, AND SOME DAY I BET YOU PROBABLY WILL GO TO HELL. AND ONCE YOU ARE IN HELL, SATAN WILL SHIT ON YOU WHILE DEMONS PEE ON YOUR FACE. I SUMMON SATAN WITH THE NECRONOMICON. ACIDIC URINE BURNS YOUR FUCKIN’ FACE. I OPEN THE ARK OF THE COVENANT LIKE IN RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK. THEN ALL THESE GHOSTS COME OUT AND MELT YOUR FUCKING FACE.

CHOKING ON UNCHEWED FOOD
ALL YOU CAN EAT FISH-FRY. GOIN’ EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT TO A FILTHY NEIGHBORHOOD PUB TO BINGE-EAT AND GET REAL DRUNK. YOU DIDN’T CHEW THE FOOD, COUGHING AND CHOKING UP MUSH. CHEESE CURD STUCK IN YOUR THROAT, YOUR CARCASS FALLS TO THE FLOOR. YOU ATE THE FOOD TOO FAST, AND NO ONE KNOWS THE HEIMLICH. YOUR MOUTH IS FILLED WITH WALLEYE, RYE BREAD AND COLE SLAW. NOW THE BAR STAFF IS LAUGHING AT YOU AS BITS OF FOOD FLY FROM YOUR STUPID FACE. NOBODY CARES, EVERYBODY JUST LOOKS
AS THE JUKE BOX PLAYS SOME BON JOVI. CHOKE CHOKE CHOKE!

PUSHED DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT
YOU THOUGHT IT WOULD BE COOL TO EXPLORE ABANDONED BUILDINGS. LITTLE DID YOU KNOW THOUGH THAT THIS BUILDING’S FUCKIN’ HAUNTED. POLTERGEIST ACTIVITY IS COMMON IN THIS BUILDING. CHECKING OUT THE BUILDING UNTIL GHOSTS COME OUT AND KILL YOU. PUSH YOU DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT (x2). FALLING DOWN THE ELEVATOR SHAFT, WONDER WHAT PUSHED YOU? THEN YOU HIT THE BOTTOM AND YOUR BODY TURNS TO MUSH. SUDDENLY THE ELEVATOR ACTIVATES AND GEARS TURN, MASHING UP YOUR PITIFUL REMAINS INTO MORE MUSH. PUSH YOU DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT (x2). PUSHED DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT!

ROTTEN CURDLED MILK SPRAYING FROM THE MOUTH OF A WIZARD
WIZARD’S APPRENTICE SERVING UP SOME LUNCH. MILK THAT’S BEEN LEFT SITTING OUT IN THE SUN. SANDWICH MADE WITH EXPIRED MAYONNAISE. WIZARD IS WORKING ON MAGICAL SPELLS. CHUGGING THE DRINK AND INHALING THE FOOD,
NO ONE REALIZED IT WAS TOTALLY OLD. SUDDENLY A MAGICAL SPELL IS REVERSED, WIZARD IS NOW A FOUNTAIN SPRAYING OUT MUSH. KNOCKING OVER TOOLS AND POTIONS, CAULDRON GETS TIPPED OVER ALSO. SPRAYING MUSH ALL OVER THE CASTLE, FALLING DOWN A SPIRAL SET OF STAIRS!

BUBBLING INNARDS IN A CAST IRON CAULDRON
YOU’RE LOST IN THE FOREST. YOU FIND SOMETHING SIMMERING IN A CAST IRON CAULDRON OF VERY HIGH QUALITY. YOU TASTE WITH THE LADLE, THE DRUGS START TO KICK IN. YOU REALIZE IT’S INNARDS. YOU NOW WANT THE RECIPE.

PLASTERED IN UNICORN FECES
ON A QUEST IN A MAGICAL REALM (MAGICAL LAKES AND MAGICAL MOUNTAINS).
INVENTORY OF ITEMS AND POTIONS (FOUND ON THE JOURNEY THROUGH MAGICAL KINGDOMS). FIGHTING BLUE SLIMES WITH WOODEN SWORD (COLLECT THE GOLD, AND COLLECT THE ITEMS). NOW YOU’RE APPROACHED BY A UNICORN (MYTHICAL HORSE OF MAJESTIC BEAUTY). USE, USING UP YOUR ITEMS, USING UP YOUR POTIONS, CANNOT RIDE THE UNICORN. FOOD, USING UP YOUR FOOD STASH, GONNA USE THE FOOD TO TRY TO FEED THE UNICORN. NOW, UNICORN IS EATING BUT THEY AREN’T SUPPOSED TO BE EATING THE HUMAN FOOD. YOU, PLASTERED IN THE FECES, MAGICAL AND SPARKLY, SPRAYING FROM THE UNICORN. THE UNICORN ATE A BOWLFUL OF MUSH (HIT POINTS ARE DOWN FROM BACTERIAL INFECTION). ALL OF YOUR FOOD WITH NO REFRIGERATION (RAPID INCREASE OF HARMFUL PATHOGENS). YOU SHOULD HAVE LEFT THE UNICORN ALONE (YOU FUCKING IDIOT, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!?). COATED AND FILTHY FROM ALL OF THE MUSH (GROWING THE MUSHROOMS YOU’RE LEFT IN THE RAINSTORM). USE, USING UP YOUR ITEMS, USING UP YOUR POTIONS, CANNOT RIDE THE UNICORN. FOOD, USING UP YOUR FOOD STASH, GONNA USE THE FOOD TO TRY TO FEED THE UNICORN. NOW, UNICORN IS EATING BUT THEY AREN’T SUPPOSED TO BE EATING THE HUMAN FOOD. YOU, PLASTERED IN THE FECES, MAGICAL AND SPARKLY, SPRAYING FROM THE UNICORN. PLASTERED IN UNICORN FECES!

RUINED FOOD
RUINED FOOD!

MAULED BY A MAGICAL BEAR WITH SCALDING HOT LIQUID CHEESE SPRAYING OUT OF ITS EYESOCKETS
ON A CAMPING TRIP TO SPEND TIME IN THE WOODS, WITH ACTIVITIES PLANNED, KAYAK AND HIKING. YOU SET UP YOUR TENT AND YOU MAKE A CAMPFIRE. NOW IT’S TIME FOR DINNER, SO YOU COOK MARSHMALLOW. YOU WERE IRRESPONSIBLE AND DIDN’T LISTEN TO THE RANGER ABOUT HOW FOOD WILL ATTRACT A BEAR, AND YOUR CAMPSITE’S ON A BURIAL GROUND. YOU LOOK UP AT THE PRETTY STARS,
REALIZE JUST HOW SMALL YOU ARE, BUT THEN YOU SEE SOMETHING BIG APPROACH FROM A SPARKLY, MAGIC MIST. IT’S A MAGICAL BEAR, SPRAYING HOT LIQUID CHEESE. IT DOES NOT WANT MARSHMALLOW, IT WANTS REVENGE. BEAR CLAWS DISEMBOWEL YOU, YOUR MANGLED CORPSE FALLS TO THE GROUND. AND FROM ITS EYES, HOT LIQUID CHEESE CAUSES BURNS TO YOUR CARCASS. MAGIC BEAR. LIQUID CHEESE. LEAVE BEARS ALONE. DO NOT FEED.

SHUT YOUR KID UP
SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT. SHUT YOUR FUCKIN’ SOUND-HOLE
(SHUT THE FUCK UP). SHUT YOUR FUCKIN’ MOUTH, NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR YOU
SCREAMIN’ LIKE A BANSHEE (SHUT THE FUCK UP). WHY IS THE PARENT SO FUCKING NEGLIGENT? TAKE RESPONSIBILITY. SHUT YOUR FUCKIN’ KID UP, LEARN SOME FUCKIN’ MANNERS GIVE US ALL SOME FUCKIN’ PEACE. SHUT YOUR KID UP,
CAN’T YOU FUCKIN’ SEE IT’S PISSING EVERYBODY OFF? (SHUT THE FUCK UP) LEARN SOME DISCIPLINE, CONTROL YOUR FUCKIN’ KID, AND QUIT GIVING THEM SUGAR. (SHUT THE FUCK UP) SHUT YOUR KID UP!

GURGLING VOMIT FROM THE MOUTH OF AN ENGORGED WALRUS
ARCTIC EXPEDITION, RIDING ON A SLED INTO A CANYON OF MAGICAL ICE. YOU BROUGHT PROVISIONS, A LOAF OF PIZZA BREAD, BAG OF CHEX MIX AND A GIANT HOAGIE. WHEN YOU WEREN’T LOOKING, A WALRUS APPROACHED, HUNGRY CAUSE THERE WAS NO PENGUINS TO EAT. IT KNOCKS YOU OUT WITH A SOCK FULL OR ROCKS AND THEN HE SITS DOWN AND HE EATS ALL YOUR FOOD. HE CRACKS OPEN A BEER. EAT! EATING ALL OF YOUR FOOD. YOU’RE LYING THERE WITH A MASSIVE HEAD WOUND, UNABLE TO MOVE, WALRUS EATING YOUR FOOD AND DRINKING TONS OF OLD STYLE AND STROHS. YOU WONDER WHERE DID HE GET ALL THAT BEER? NO ONE WILL FIND YOU, YOUR CARCASS IS DOOMED. HUMONGOUS WALRUS DEVOURS YOUR FOOD. THEN SUDDENLY SOME PENGUINS SHOW UP TOO,
THEY BROUGHT MORE BEER, NOW YOU’RE TOTALLY SCREWED!

DISMEMBERED BY MOSSY ELK ANTLERS
YOU’RE ON A TRIP HUNTING. YOU THINK YOU’RE REALLY COOL. BUT IN THE FOREST SLEEPS AN ANCIENT BEAST, AND YOUR BLOODY DOOM AWAITS YOU. DISMEMBERED BY MOSSY ELK ANTLERS.

SHOVE CHRISTMAS UP YOUR ASS
LITTLE BILLY LEFT A GLASS OF MILK OUT AT NIGHT, ALONG WITH SOME COOKIES
WITH A NOTE THAT SAID “FOR SANTA” BUT HE MISSPELLED IT “FOR SATAN.” MILK LEFT AT ROOM TEMPERATURE FOR WAY TOO LONG, BUILDUP OF BACTERIA. SANTA DRANK IT ALL NOT KNOWING IT WAS SPOILED, NOW HE HAS FOOD POISONING. HO HO HO.

TORN TO SHREDS BY EAGLE TALONS
HIKING IN THE CANYON, HIGH ABOVE THE TREETOPS IN NATURE’S ISOLATION, LOOKING FOR EAGLES. HABITAT DESTROYED BY DEFORESTATION, GREEDY FUCKIN’ ASSHOLES RUINED ALL THE FOREST. HUMAN BULLSHIT MAKES SPECIES ENDANGERED, EAGLE NOW SEES OPPORTUNITY FOR REVENGE. LAST THING YOU SEE, SHARP EAGLE TALONS RIPPING OUT YOUR EYES. TURN YOUR FACE TO MUSH.
TEARING YOU TO SHREDS, FEEDS YOU TO ITS YOUNG. NOW IT HAS REVENGE, FOR HUMANS WRECKED ITS HOME.

FORMED INTO MEATLOAF
WORKING IN A SAUSAGE FACTORY, TWELVE-HOUR SHIFTS WITH NO BREAKS. FORMING LOAVES AND SALISBURY STEAKS, AND YOU’RE MAKING MINIMUM WAGE.
OSHA INSPECTION HAS FAILED, CRUMBLING FLOOR AND RUSTY RAILS, AND THE SAUSAGE COMPANY DOES NOT CARE ABOUT SAFETY. YOU FALL INTO THE MACHINE. CO-WORKERS CAN’T HEAR YOU SCREAM. GEARS TURN AND THE LIGHT TURNS GREEN, COOKING YOUR CARCASS WITH STEAM. TORN APART BY ROBOT CLAWS, PROCESSED BY THE COMBINE’S JAWS, POUNDED TO A PUTRID PULP, GROUND INTO A PILE OF MUSH. FORMED INTO MEATLOAF.

About The Author

Co-Founder and Editor

Matt Wild weighs between 140 and 145 pounds. He lives on Milwaukee's east side.

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