3. Subway
Obviously.

2. Cheba Hut
The first Milwaukee location of the Fort Collins-based sub chain opened earlier this summer. The subs are “toasted,” i.e. kind of like Quiznos, but much, much better. Also, they’re “toasted” in a “it’s a weed-themed sub chain” kind of way. And nothing says “Wisconsin!” more than having a weed-themed sub chain that can’t sell weed, but can have a fully stocked bar where you can get absolutely loaded.

1. Cousins
Obviously.

Okay, now that that’s out of the way, let me say this:

Please, please, please, please get vaccinated.

I mulled over a lot of different approaches for this article. When Cheba Hut opened on July 26, I realized that the intersection of Oakland and Locust suddenly had three sub shops on three of its four corners. Surely I could whip up something funny about this zany fact! Maybe I could make a video where I’d throw a stone from one sub location to the other, like the time I threw a stone from one poke restaurant to another poke restaurant across the street. Maybe I could get high and eat all three subs at once? Maybe I could simply pass on an Oak/Loc sub and eat at Oakland Gyros instead. Their gyros are still great and the owner occasionally slips my kid a free ice cream cone.

But no, none of those ideas seemed right. So maybe I would pretend to review Cheba Hut, only to go off on a crazed and increasingly belligerent rant blasting the anti-vaxx and anti-mask crowd, kind of like the time I started to review cheese curds but ended up blasting the drooling Morlocks who refused to take COVID-19 seriously. Hell, I even had a scathing tweet primed and ready to go:

Yikes. Tell us how you really feel, Matt. But no, that didn’t seem right, either. What good does it do to scream at people when all. you. want. them. to. do. is. get. vaccinated?

Jesus. I’m so tired. I’m so over this. I’m losing my mind. This is me giving in. This is me giving up. This is me begging:

If you are able to get vaccinated and you still haven’t gotten vaccinated…

Please, please, please, please get vaccinated.

If you live in Milwaukee or anywhere else in Wisconsin, you can find local vaccine providers HERE. These are your Walgreens, your Walmarts, your CVS Pharmacies. They’re everywhere!

If you live in Milwaukee, you can also get vaccinated at two walk-in clinics. The clinics are located at the Northwest Health Center (7630 W. Mill Rd.) and the Southside Health Center (1639 S. 23rd St.) The hours for each are Mondays and Fridays, 9 a.m. – 3 p.m.; Tuesdays and Thursdays, 12 – 6 p.m.; and Saturdays, 9 a.m. – 1 p.m.

If you live in Milwaukee, you can also get vaccinated at any number of mobile clinics. Click HERE for an up-to-date list.

If you live in Milwaukee, you can also schedule an in-home vaccination. Call the City of Milwaukee Health Department at 414-286-6800 to set it up.

I know there are people who will choose to never, ever, ever, ever, get vaccinated. BuT vaCcInatED peOPle cAn SpReaD iT tOO, these malfunctioning automatons will sputter on social media. Fuck these people. The above tweet is for them. But I have a sneaking suspicion there are more people who, for whatever reason, just haven’t done it yet. These are the people I’m talking to (I hope). Once again:

If you are able to get vaccinated and you still haven’t gotten vaccinated…

Please, please, please, please get vaccinated.

I don’t know. Maybe I’m preaching to the choir. Maybe begging strangers to do one. little. thing. is ultimately useless and kind of pathetic. But I don’t care. I hate this. I want this to be over. Don’t you? I don’t want to wear a fucking mask anymore (but I will). I don’t want to show my vaccine card to get into a show or a festival (but I will). I don’t want to argue with strangers anymore. I don’t want to agree or even discuss this anymore with likeminded friends. I just want it to be over.

I’ve done my part. I hope you’ll do your part, too. Please.

Oh, and before anyone cries “Clickbait!” and thinks I’m making bank off an article that purports to be a ranking of national and regional sub chains (Cousins is clearly the best, duh), please know that I’m willing to share the $1.74 this article will net me for every billion clicks it receives. Similar to artists on Spotify, I may make upwards of $8 if 20,000,000,000 people read this! Just email me at mwild at onlinepublishingisasuckersgame dot com for your share of the sweet, sweet profits.

And please, please, please, please get vaccinated. Thank you.

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About The Author

Co-Founder and Editor

Matt Wild weighs between 140 and 145 pounds. He lives on Milwaukee's east side.

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