Here at Milwaukee Record, we employ a sentient machine known as the Great Job, Milwaukee! Bot to keep track of the city’s many appearances on dopey online lists, as well as any time a national publication acknowledges our pathetic Midwest existence. This week: An online study says we don’t swear very often and another online study says we don’t smile very often.

Let’s just get to the gosh darn point, shall we? According to some smart alecks over at, Milwaukee is among the major U.S. cities that swear the least. You read that right, Milwaukee: they think we average among the friggin’ LEAST number of curse words used, with a paltry swear-per-day average of just 15. So how did these brilliant beotches, arrive at this surprising curse-centric conclusion? They explain their study

“We surveyed over 1,500 residents of 30 major U.S. cities to determine which cities swear most frequently. We asked them how often they swear, the situations they swear in the most, and even the age they uttered their first swear word.”

Of the cities included in this questionable study, only Phoenix, Arizona and Portland, Oregon averaged fewer naughty words uttered on a daily basis. For the record, those facking Massholes in Boston are tied with Milwaukee to share the No. 3 spot, so you know the whole thing has to be bullcorn. It’s also worth noting this study was conducted before last Sunday’s Packers loss.

In other news, you know how when someone says you should smile more, it usually makes you want to smile less? Well, you’re not going to be rushing to grin once you find out what some website called Shiny Smile Veneers has to say about our city. Apparently, this extremely-legitimate-seeming site’s analysis (a.k.a. looking at “15,000 Instagram photos in the 50 largest U.S. cities to determine America’s most and least smiley cities”) thinks Milwaukeeans smile the 8th least of an major American city.

Other findings include: Milwaukee had just 35% of people smiling in the city’s photos, many of the cities smiling the least were located in the Midwest and on the East Coast, and 43% of all pictures analyzed had smiling faces. For what it’s worth, residents of every Midwestern metro except for Cleveland and Detroit are said to smile more often than people in Milwaukee. Shit! Oops…that’s one swear for us today. Only 13 left.

About The Author

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Co-Founder and Editor

Before co-founding Milwaukee Record, Tyler Maas wrote for virtually every Milwaukee publication (except Wassup! Magazine). He lives in Bay View and enjoys both stuff and things.