Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas, we have one. Tickets to see An Evening With Chevy Chase, preceded by a 30th anniversary screening of National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, at the Riverside Theater on Friday, December 27. Chase will be brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and will “share stories from his career and the making of his classic movies and legendary television programs.” You’ll be able to look him straight in the eye and tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Reserved seating tickets start at $49.50 and go on sale Friday, October 18 at noon.

Okay, all the “snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed” stuff is from the movie, of course, so don’t yell at us, Chevy. We for one can’t wait to “expect the unexpected as Chevy Chase shares a no-holds-barred trip down memory lane in this exclusive evening with a comedy legend.” Also “a limited number of VIP tickets that include a post-show photo with Chevy and the best seats in the house are available.” Where’s the Tylenol?

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Matt Wild weighs between 140 and 145 pounds. He lives on Milwaukee's east side.