Last week, we decided to stop worrying about the struggles the modern day Milwaukee Bucks were experiencing at the time and, instead, to spend some time putting together a Milwaukee Bucks All Food Team. It seem like some people enjoyed it, and we must admit that writing it allowed us a much-needed break from the horrors of everyday existence. So why not do it again?
Since the Brewers just reported to Spring Training a few days ago and we’re still a little while away from stories like “Travis Shaw in best shape of life” and “Christian Yelich looks to regain MVP form, in best shape of life” flooding our timelines, we figured we’d comb through the franchise’s all-time roster and assemble a Milwaukee Brewers All Food Team. Our 25-man roster has a starting lineup, bullpen, and bench that’s chock full of players of all skill levels, foods for all tastes, and only three guys named “Chuck.” Bon appétit!
Starting Lineup/Batting Order
1. Nori Aoki (CF) — Aoki’s real first name is Norichika, but his nickname—”Nori”—is the Japanese word for edible seaweed. Combine that with his speed, defensive prowess, and pitch selection and we have our leadoff hitter and starting center fielder!
2. Candy Maldonado (LF) — Candy (the food) is great. Candy (the player) was pretty decent too over the course of his roughly 3,500-year professional career with 415 different teams…including the Brewers.
3. Mike Moustakas (2B) — Mike Moustakas (or “Moose”) was great at the plate and showed versatility in the infield at third and second base for Milwaukee. Similarly, his nickname could apply to either Moose the animal or to Chocolate Mousse. We’re leaning towards the latter because his swing was so sweet and rich. Also, we have another guy named “Moose” on the team.
4. Rob Deer (RF) — If there’s something Brewers fans love more than Rob Deer, it’s probably venison.
5. Mike Lamb (3B) — We’re not huge on Lamb (both the meat and the longtime Astros player who briefly played with the Brewers), but it’s slim pickings at third base.
6. Sean Berry (1B) — Sean Berry wasn’t great as Milwaukee’s reserve first and third baseman some 20 or so years ago, but he managed a long and respectable professional career otherwise. It’s also worth mentioning that his last name is Berry. So that’s enough to make Sean Berry a member of this team.
7. Paul Bako (C) — While it’s actually pronounced “BAH-co,” who the fuck else is going to catch for the All Food Team? Just like Baco is an okay substitute for real bacon pieces, Paul Bako is a fine fill-in at catcher for this fictional, multi-generational squad.
8. Cesar Izturis (SS) — Kind of like the salad.
9. Moose Haas (SP) — Our starting pitcher is Bryan Haas, who you probably know better as “Moose.” With a 4.03 ERA, 91 wins, and more than 1,500 innings on the mound with the Brewers, who else was going to get the nod to start?
Starting Rotation
1. Moose Haas — We’ve mentioned him already. This is just a reminder that he’s the default ace of this admittedly bad-yet-tasty starting rotation.
2. Jeff Suppan — Though not fondly remembered by most Brewers fans, Suppan was a serviceable starter who just so happened to be paid way too much by Milwaukee. Besides, his nickname is “Soup” and he’s a restaurateur now, so he’s making the team.
3. Chuck Porter — The first of three guys named “Chuck” on this list. Sorry!
4. Tyler Cravy — Not a type of food, but “Cravy” is another term for hungry. Also, there aren’t many qualifying starting pitchers with food names. I could add former Brewers starter Chuck Taylor instead if you’d like. You want that?! I didn’t think so!
5. Ruben Quevedo — We truly aren’t trying to speak ill of someone who tragically passed away at the age of 37. Ruben didn’t live up to expectations during his relatively short Brewers career, but he was thrown into the Majors almost immediately after being signed. Since Reuben sandwiches are so good AND out of respect for the departed pitcher, Quevedo makes the cut.
Bullpen
Francisco “Coco” Cordero — How sweet would it be to have “Coco” back as the team’s closer?
Mike DeJean — DeJean would be a decent set-up man or could cut the mustard as this team’s closer if ever called upon to fill in for Cordero.
Salomon Torres — The quality of the Salomon/Salmon pun might be debatable, but Torres’ skills as a reliever were not during his lengthy and accomplished career.
Chuck Crim — Like ground chuck, the longtime Brewers reliever wasn’t fancy, but he got the job done and was generally well-received.
Graeme Lloyd — This Australian pitcher made a career of being a left-handed relief specialist. Plus is first name sounds like “Graham” (as in “Graham Cracker”), which is a pretty nice coincidence.
Mac Suzuki — The bad news: This reliever posted a 5.30 ERA over 56 innings in a Brewers uniform during the 2001 season. The good news: Dude’s name is MAC!
Andy Beene — What Andy Beene lacked in professional pitching success, he more than makes up for by having a name that is pronounced “Bean.”
Bench
Kevin Bass — Bass was an outfielder who had a solid career, excluding his one season with the Brewers. His name is “Bass” so this was too good to pass up.
Ken Berry — The second “Berry” on the All Food Team is a center fielder who made one All-Star appearance and won two Gold Glove Awards. None of that happened during his one season in Milwaukee, unfortunately.
Blake Lalli — This short-tenured catcher and first baseman could provide some Lalli-pop off the bench if brought in to pinch hit.
Josmil Pinto — If Andy Beene is making the team, you know Pinto is getting a spot, too. After all, you need a back-up catcher.
Chuck Carr — Yeah, yeah…another guy named “Chuck.” You try making a full roster of guys with names that sound like food. It’s hard!