To paraphrase the dude from Staind, it’s been a whiiiiiiiile since the Detroit Lions have beat the Green Bay Packers at Lambeau Field. More specifically, Detroit hasn’t emerged victorious from a game in Green Bay (or Milwaukee) since December 15, 1991, which by our calculations is [calculating, calculating, calcu—] a really fucking long time. Since the sky is falling around these parts after the Packers dropped two straight games and the Lions have played like total buttshit pretty much all year, most people don’t seem too focused on Sunday’s game. Instead, writers and fans seem especially eager to acknowledge this 24-year, 24-game drought (including playoffs) that is pretty much unheard of anywhere in professional sports, especially among division rivals who faced on another at least twice each season.
Did you know eight Lions players weren’t even born the last time Detroit won in Wisconsin? Would you believe that more than a fourth of Green Bay’s active roster wasn’t even born the last time Detroit notched a W at Lambeau? Could you guess that four American Presidents were sworn into office since Barry Sanders and his jungle cat counterparts took Don Majkowski to task in Green Bay? Believe it or not, ALL those things happened. In fact, a bunch of stuff has happened since the Wayne Fontes-led Lions bested the Pack 21-17 almost a quarter century ago. How many things, you ask? By Milwaukee Record‘s calculations, exactly 69 things have happened since that fabled Green Bay loss of ’91. We know, we know, 69…real mature! We wish there were 70 things just as much as the rest of you, and as much as we’d love to omit one item to leave it at 68 for the sake of our otherwise-glowing reputation, it just wouldn’t be fair to our readers to withhold it. Before the streak extends another year, here are all 69 things that have happened since the last time the Detroit Lions won at Lambeau Field.
1. The soft drink Surge came out, was discontinued, then came out again.
2. The 1994 film Blank Check gave millions of theater-goers hours of entertainment with a side lesson of fiscal responsibility.
3. Halley’s Comet could be seen by earthlings and, in all likelihood, creatures from other points of the galaxy.
4. Go-Gurt was invented, finally creating a yogurt for the professional on the go.
5. Aaliyah died. RIP, Aaliyah.
6. A bunch of wars. 🙁
7. Taco Bell changed the color scheme of its interiors and its packaging.
8. Google overtook Dogpile as the world’s largest search engine. Don’t believe it? Ask Jeeves.
9. As mentioned above, eight current Detroit Lions players were born.
10. Mike Tyson would be convicted of raping and battering someone, would serve prison time, be released, resume his boxing career, then be able to get acting work and dick around with Jimmy Fallon on the Tonight Show. There’s not really a joke here. It’s just disgusting that a convicted rapist and domestic abuser is not only a free man, but thriving in show business. How aren’t more people talking about this?
11. McDonald’s has sold over A THOUSAND Big Macs.
12. Zaffiro’s Pizzeria won 615 Shepherd Express Best Of Milwaukee awards.
13. The cast of Friends was hired, made a wildly popular sitcom, and still remain friends off-set to this day.
14. They made a bunch of Blade movies.
15. Four American Presidents were sworn into office.
16. Smashmouth became popular, squandered their popularity, then people threw bread at the singer in Colorado.
18. Keith Sweat became the biggest star in R&B with his eponymous 1996 album. He remains the biggest star in R&B currently.
20. Napster hurt the music industry, which was totally operating perfectly before that.
21. A bunch of great people died too soon, yet convinced rapist Mike Tyson thrives because he has a silly voice or something.
22. The invention of Snapchat made the long-held Western courting process of sending a potential mate a blurry photograph of your penis much faster, easier, and less expensive than it used to be. The United States Postal Service never recovered.
23. Los del Rios’ “The Macarena” became the unofficial song of 1990s weddings and suicides.
24. After over 20 years and close to 10 Child’s Play films, Chucky asked his friends to start calling him Charles.
25. Pizza Hut invented a bunch of gross foods with abysmal spelling.
26. More than one fourth of the current Packers players was born.
27. Seinfeld—a show about nothing—coaxed laughs from prime time TV viewers, while also causing them to ponder “What’s the deal” with a bunch of stuff.
28. Bloody Marys got way too out of control.
29. Lindsay Lohan was in the news.
30. A Bunch of totally shitty people were born, helping to usher in the age of Idiocracy at an unimaginable pace.
31. The Spice Girls became Spice Women.
32. The Harlem Shake.
33. There were some Olympic games in various places.
34. Parks & Recreation was created. It was awesome.
35. Brunch really had a moment there for a second there.
36. Screech stabbed a guy.
37. Space Shuttle Colombia disintegrated upon re-entry into earth’s atmosphere, which killed all seven astronauts aboard. (Sorry. We’re mixing some serious ones in too.)
38. MilwaukeeRecord.com was founded.
39. Family Matters really started to hit its stride, then it got kind of bad, then it ended.
40. The word “artisan” was invented. We’re still deciding what it means.
41. David went to the dentist and got high as balls.
42. Taylor Swift had her little heart broken so many times. Where have all the good guys gone?
43. Same sex marriage was legalized throughout the country. Love won!
44. As detective Murtaugh, Danny Glover was getting too old for this shit. Not long after, he got too old for this shit.
45. 9/11. (Again, sorry for the occasionally weighty ones.)
46. The Packers won two Super Bowls. The Lions went one entire season without winning a single game.
47. Lou Bega compose five different mambos. Maybe more. GIVE US ALL YOUR MAMBOS, BEGA!
48. All that O.J. Simpson stuff.
49. Norm MacDonald made fun of O.J. Simpson.
50. Bill Clinton got a beej in the oval office.
51. Starbucks decided to put its coffee into red cups. The world was never the same.
52. Michael Jordan retired from basketball, started playing baseball, retired from baseball, returned to basketball, then retired from basketball. He’s now regarded as the Surge of professional sports.
53. Pluto got totally dissed by losing its status as a planet.
54. Spin Milwaukee changed its name to Evolution Gastropong. BWHAHAHAHA!
55. So many celebrity cameos on Law & Order.
56. The Detroit Lions had nine head coaches.
57. The Green Bay Packers had four head coaches.
58. The creation of the term “on fleek” pretty much ruined everything.
59. Advances in technology resulted in the creation of Bagel Bites, allowing consumers to have pizza anytime for the first time in recorded history.
60. The Internet got kind of popular for a while.
61. Craft brewing became more popular than ever and resulted in an almost infinite selection of delicious beers. Please let that study about IPA causing man boobs be false!
62. Like 30 dudes broke Roger Maris’ single-season home run record.
63. A kid shot Omar in the head while he was buying cigarettes in episode 8 of The Wire‘s fifth season. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!
64. Uncanny Soup Company closed.
65. The invention of the eCig made helped smokers quit their unhealthy and expensive habit while also helping other people know who to avoid being around.
67. Osama bin Laden was shot and dumped into the sea.
68. Mandy Moore successfully made the transition from singer to actress to person we just remembered existed.
69. You made it to the end of this list.