Though Packers season is only six weeks old, we’ve already grown quite accustomed to the weekly ritual of gathering with friends and loved ones in living rooms or a wealth of Wisconsin bars to watch Green Bay win games. After a 6-0 start (including a nail-biter last week), the Packers have earned a break. It will give players a chance to rest, will allow the coaching staff to address the team’s few flaws, and could bring about the return of Morgan Burnett and Davante Adams by the time the next game day rolls around.
Even if the Packers could use a bye, it’s the last thing fans need. How are Packer Backers supposed to handle a fortnight devoid of green and gold goodness? It’s not going to be easy to get through Sunday without seeing Aaron Rodgers’ effortless amazingness, Clay Matthews’ defensive prowess, and John Kuhn’s…uh, KUUUUUUUUUUUUHHN! But here’s some bullshit stuff Milwaukee Record recommends you do on Sunday in effort to escape the Bye Week Blues™.
1. Go to the fucking pumpkin patch
If your significant other has plagued your existence with weekly requests to leave city limits and pick pumpkins (despite gourds being readily available at grocery stores), this makes for an ideal weekend to be a good partner and join them in the pumpkin patch. Who knows, it could be fun. It’s almost assuredly will not be fun, but anything is possible.
2. Pick apples at an orchard
See above. Substitute the word “apple” in for “pumpkin” and “orchard” in for “patch” throughout.
3. Put that plastic shit on your windows
You gotta do it, why not just get it over with? Yeah, there could be another 70 degree day this year. However, do you know what there definitely won’t be? Another 70 degree day this year.
4. Attempt to watch other NFL games
Sure, some games have fantasy football implications for your team. Maybe you’ll derive pleasure seeing division rivals lose. However, without the Packers, most of us will just see how much of an embarrassing, morally bankrupt shadow corporation the NFL has quickly become (and kind of always was). Plus, most teams have really crappy quarterbacks. As far as meaningless football goes, we highly recommend waking up early to see the Bills and Jaguars in London.
This isn’t a place for religious conversation, but if skipping service lately in favor of pre-game festivities has you feeling you may be on your preferred deity’s shit list, maybe it’s time to renew your afterlife insurance and get down to church. It’s not that bad. Some of them even give you a free shot of red wine just for showing up!
6. Drink an obnoxiously large Bloody Mary
A terrible breakfast cocktail with a bunch of superfluous stuff in it? ZOMG! Though the unnecessarily massive $11 sodium slurry with a small meal balanced atop it is available on days the Packers play as well, this particular Sunday offers people a chance to indulge in “Milwaukee’s Largest Bloody Mary” at Great Lakes Distillery. Proceeds from $5 Bloodys go to Hunger Task Force, which is pretty cool…as far as celebrations centered around the world’s most overrated beverage are concerned, at least.
7. Play two-hand touch with the boys while wearing Wranglers
8. Look at the moon and wonder if Aaron Rodgers is looking at it too
He isn’t. He’s looking at Olivia Munn looking at the moon. Doesn’t count.
9. Try tapas
We’ve only heard good things.
10. Can/jar preserves and shit like that
Winter is coming. Nothing “beets” the Packers bye blues like pickling the remainders of that summer’s farmer’s market haul and jarring up some jam to be enjoyed this fall. Could we actually spend an entire Sunday pickling and jarring? Yes we can! [Pauses 10 seconds for laughter]
11. Start watching The Wire
Dude, you’ve never seen The Wire? So good! It’s, like, the best drama in television history. Seriously. Since you’ll have four extra hours Sunday, why don’t you knock out five or six episodes? You’ll be hooked. Honestly, it’s so good. Man, it’s so fucked up when that kid shoots Omar in the head in that bodega in episode 8 of season 5. You’re going to be so surprised.
Spoiler alert: The Wire ended in 2008. You’re going to get mad about learning Omar dies when it’s 2015?! Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!
12. Spend time with your family
While it can be argued that you and your father both yelling obscenities at David Bakhtiari between bites of beer dip constitutes as “quality time,” maybe use this vacant block of weekend hours that league schedule makers have given you and bond with loved ones. Push your kid on a swing. Call your mother. Listen in horror as your grandfather weighs in on the John Henson jewelry store thing. You can’t put a value on family time.
13. Take a goddamn walk
Sunday is supposed to be pretty nice in Milwaukee. Temperatures will be in the high 50s with light precipitation throughout the day. In late October, that can be considered Summer Jr., if you ask us. Get out that pedometer and walk some trails or stroll through the neighborhood.
14. Go to a beer garden
Weave this in as your post-walk reward. Hell, you just logged 0.8 miles. You deserve that liter mug of Black Bavarian!
15. Work ahead on your Halloween costume
Why procrastinate until next Saturday afternoon before frantically piecing together your Zombie Peter Francis Geraci costume last minute? Get a head start.
16. Write the great American novel
It’s been inside you all along. Let it out.
17. Start your holiday shopping
You know, Christmas is only however-the-fuck many days away! Why not alleviate the encroaching stress of buying people you sort of like things they’ll sort of like by getting an early jump on your holiday list? Buy local if you can. Or just buy everyone The Magic Bullet. Whatever.
18. Take mushrooms
If you enjoyed the altogether mind-altering sensation of seeing Jeff Janis go off for 79 yards last week, maybe you’re the type of person who would like tripping balls on ‘shrooms. If you have the means and a sober friend to drive you, consider doing it at Float Milwaukee. Do NOT poop in the isolation tank, no matter what that sentient mountain range tells you to do.
19. Sleep. Just sleep
Sure beats being awake, right?! Bonus: every hour spent sleeping reduces the amount of time you’ll be conscious between now and the next time Rodgers ducks under center.
20. Adopt a cat from a local animal shelter
Cats are great furry companions, yet there are so many without a good home. Be a hero and adopt a cat already.
21. See a movie at the theater
The Addams Family is showing at The Avalon at 11:20. That Tom Hanks one about the spy bridge looks pretty okay too.
22. Try and almost instantly abandon the hobby of bird watching
The butthole of autumn isn’t the ideal time to start this pastime, but hey, give it a shot. If looking at and subsequently identifying avian life isn’t your thing, it’s cool. That shit’s for the birds anyway.
23. Go to a soccer bar, pick a team to support, and get really drunk
We’ve secretly always wanted to do this.
24. Put all the money in your change jar into those paper roll dealies
With how long it takes to organize your change into coin rolls, it’s sometimes less of a sunk cost to just throw the entire jar into a river and be done with it, but since you have extra time on your hands, keep your brain sharp and your finances on the up and up by counting currency as you watch a Dolphins and Texans game that has absolutely no bearing on your life.
25. Fall in love
We know it’s hard sometimes, but you just need to keep putting yourself out there. You’re a handsome and/or beautiful young man and/or woman and someone special is out there waiting for you, we just know it. Have you tried online dating?