As Milwaukee Beer Week nears its bleary and drunken conclusion, it’s only natural to turn our attention to the obvious connection between beer and the Milwaukee Brewers. After all, unless the Philly Phanatic whips up IPAs in his basement when he’s off the clock, Milwaukee is the only professional franchise with a guy who makes beer serving as its mascot.

While the official allegiances of a team that plays its home games in Miller Park are clear, each player possesses a unique connection to a different beer for a variety of reasons. Milwaukee Record went down the roster—beer list in hand—and came up with 11 suggestions for Milwaukee Brewers beer pairings.

Aramis Ramirez – Rogue’s Dead Guy Ale
The best-known brew in the Rogue Ale family isn’t as dissimilar to the half-dead guy occasionally occupying the left side of the Brewers infield. Beyond the less-than lively elements of each, Aramis and Dead Guy Ale each enjoyed prolonged success in their respective fields, but currently exist as overpriced options is a market that’s now flooded with better alternatives.

Lyle Overbay/Mark Reynolds – Miller High Life
Though neither this platoon nor “The Champagne Of Beers” is your first choice (unless you work at Cactus Club, apparently), both are solid and comparably affordable fallbacks when your preferred choice isn’t in stock or, in the Brewers’ case, on the roster.

Scooter Gennett – Rhinelander Shorty
These little guys both seem to inspire a level of local love that’s disproportionate to their skill set. In fairness, both are pretty good. Still, the response these scrappy brewers inspire from Wisconsinites is a tad out of hand. Both Scooter and Rhinelander are approximately seven ounces.

Jeff Bianchi – Peroni
Both Bianchi and Peroni are vaguely Italian and altogether skunky. Either one is an option only exercised as a result of an immense shortage—be it in the refrigerator or on the bench.

Tom Gorzelanny – Left Hand Milk Stout
This one’s pretty self-explanatory. The veteran reliever is a stout lefty who looks like the kind of gentleman who enjoys a warm glass of whole milk before bed. Like the rapidly expanding Colorado brewer, this Brewer can be found on the shelf increasingly more often in Milwaukee as of late.

Will Smith – Keystone Light
In episode 85 of The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air, entitled “You’ve Got to Be a Football Hero,” Will is challenged to a shot drinking contest by an All-American college football player. It appears Big Willy was drinking tequila (which, as is customary when drinking tequila, leads to him seeing four ghosts who teach him lessons about drunk driving). As a beer alternative for the other Will Smith, the impressive young reliever should “get jiggy wit” a light beer like Keystone—the unofficial beer of stupid drinking contests—to make room for an Uncle Phil-sized night of competitive drinking.

Yes, we know Will Smith jokes aren’t funny. And no, we won’t stop making them. EVER!

Wei-Chung Wang – Yuengling
Yuengling is already huge in Pittsburgh. Wang, too, could eventually catch on in the Steel City, once the 22-year-old Rule 5 draft pick is inevitably offered back to the Pirates. It looks like it’s only a matter of time before the pitching project, and his ERA that currently stands at 15.00, are finally demoted.

Yovani Gallardo – Anything at home
Remember: buzzed driving is drunk driving. Be safe out there, guys.

Carlos Gomez – Arrogant Bastard Ale
When he’s not singlehandedly ruining the integrity of a game by having the audacity to have fun while playing baseball or having the unmitigated gall to make helpless girls cry with his utter likeability, Carlos Gomez is also having a great year so far… especially for a thug! Like you, we HATE him for it. That’s rational, right? Anyway, one arrogant bastard deserves another. May Go-Go choke it down while he’s brushing up on the various antiquated and nonsensical unwritten rules of the sport he’s improving.

Matt Garza – Budwesier
You know, something manly, lest a woman be sent to drink a man’s beer.

Francisco Rodriguez – Pabst Blue Ribbon
K-Rod has repeatedly been brought back to Milwaukee. The hurler’s latest tenure was a well-thought and fiscally responsible decision that has immediately yielded positive dividends in the city. We saw a compelling skit that suggested Pabst’s return would turn out the same way.