It’s cruel, really. Our beloved Green Bay Packers are but three weeks into the regular season and we already have to take a week off from watching them—just as the offense was beginning to find its rhythm, no less. How are we expected to survive this cruel epoch of athletic absence? Is it even possible? Believe it or not, it is.
Last year, we came up with 25 bullshit things football fans could do to get through the Packers bye week. Most of them are still applicable, but with this year’s off week coming even earlier in the year, we figured you could use some more. If the idea of watching the Bears and Lions attempt to play football is upsetting to you, worry not. Here are 25 more bullshit things to do during the Packers bye.
1. Bake some fucking banana bread
It’s a proven fact that no mere mortal is able to finish all the bananas they’ve purchased before at least one of them begins to turn. The resourceful consumers among us will put that soft, brown banana in the freezer to be baked into a recipe at a later date. Well today’s the day, fucko. Clear some freezer space and have desserts for days by baking some classic banana bread.
2. Go to the 13th annual Dog Day Afternoon
Brought to you by our friends at Rushmor Records, the 13th annual Dog Day Afternoon is a day of fun for Fido. The event starts at Puddler’s Hall at noon, and includes dog games, raffles, and a doggy costume contest. For the pious pooches out there, Immaculate Conception Church will also bless your dog. Did you ever realize that “dog” spelled backwards is “god”? Oh man! Oh man!
3. Eat brunch
You ever have this stuff before? It’s not quite breakfast, it’s not exactly lunch, it’s often expensive, and nobody quite knows why. That doesn’t stop people from going apeshit for it, though. Set your fantasy lineup and leave the house to linger somewhere whilst eating eggs between the hours of 11 a.m. and 3 p.m. If you can find a bottomless mimosa special, even better.
4. Organize your CD collection
Sure, you love music, but who has the time to organize their compact discs?! Start by alphabetizing them, then upload them to your computer. After that, throw them away or try to sell them at a used CD place. Maybe you can make enough scratch to buy brunch.
5. Try kombucha
What is it? It’s impossible to know. Give it a shot. It’s pretty good. They say not to shake it up, but you should totally shake it up.
6. Clip your toenails
Seriously, we weren’t going to say anything, but it’s getting kind of gross. Please handle it.
7. Join some type of secret society
Here in Wisconsin, football is just part of our culture. As such, the weekly ritual of watching the green and gold for a few hours each week is a means of bringing people together. If you find yourself aching for camaraderie this weekend, consider enlisting in some type of secret society. Ask a hotel concierge for a line on an underground fight club or, if you have the means, the Illuminati could be the group for you.
8. Pet a cat
Trust us. Pet a cat. You’ll thank us later.
9. Go to Vanguard/Milwaukee Cocktail Week’s Southern Fried BBQ event
You know and love The Vanguard’s sausages, and perhaps between bites you’ve taken notice of the dozens upon dozens of fine Bourbons and whiskies stocked behind the bar. Those will both be available on Cocktail Week’s final day, but the Bay View sausage institution will also break format a bit by serving barbecue ribs, fried chicken, and other staples of southern cuisine out on its “quintessential Milwaukee” patio, all while slinging drinks with spirits from Heaven Hill. It’s a glorious end to what looks to be a wondrous Milwaukee Cocktail Week.
10. Watch Stranger Things
Oh my god, you haven’t seen Stranger Things yet?! You have to watch it. It’s, like, based on a bunch of ’80s movies! And that synth-y soundtrack is amazing! And Barb! BARB, YOU GUYS!
11. Brush up on your state capitals
Quick, what’s the capital of Missouri? Wrong! It’s Jefferson City. Crack a book, you dunce!
12. Write a long and rambling Facebook status about politics
Let’s just say it: the world is going to shit. With so many political and environmental issues tearing us apart and threatening our way of being, what’s a civilian to do? Simple. Type out an exhaustive Facebook status. Keep the fun going by engaging in a day-long comment section argument with the one person in your feed whose beliefs don’t very closely mirror your own.
13. Volunteer somewhere
This one might be a better use of time than number 12. This is a good start.
14. Go on a date
Trick a potential mate into thinking you aren’t football-obsessed. Try a sculpture garden or a romantic lakeside hike if you really like someone. If you’re lukewarm on somebody and you’re hoping they’ll eventually get the hint, the airport Chili’s Too is always open.
15. Eat carbs
Cheat day, baby!
16. Check out a flick at the Milwaukee Film Festival
Assuming you’ve already whipped through Stranger Things, you might be happy to know Milwaukee is presently hosting an outstanding film festival. Sunday finds 30 films being shown on six screens. Our personal recommendations are Salero and the second Milwaukee Show installment.
17. Call your mother
She’d love to hear from you. Some day she won’t be around to talk to. What will you do then, huh? Call your mother!
18. Start a new podcast
Everybody seems to have a podcast these days. The saturation can make the thought of seeking out a new show a risky and intimidating endeavor. Spend the four hours of your Sunday you’d usually reserve for Packers viewing and, instead, download a few episodes of a new podcast and give it a fair shot. Beyond your time, you have nothing to lose. We recommend Doughboys. It’s so, so good. Start with the episode where one of the hosts threatens to kill me.
19. See Adam Ruins Everything Live at Turner Hall
Comedian and pompadour-haver Adam Conover is the host of truTV’s Adam Ruins Everything. We can’t personally attest to the quality of Conover’s live adaptation of his TV show, but if his Turner Hall appearance is even half as good as his publicist tell us it will be in the weekly emails we get about him, it’s going to be incredible.
No, not for exercise. Just run! We don’t have time to tell you why. Never look back.
21. Clean your house
What better time than early autumn to give your house a once-over? After all, you’re about to be spending most of your free time indoors now. Oh god.
Take the money you would’ve spent on drinks and fried pub fare and use it to bet on games. A wager is literally the only way the Titans vs. Texans contest will be even remotely exciting.
23. Remember that parachute game you played in elementary school? What was that called again? Play that!
Man, that game was really fun.
24. Beat Contra
Pressing UP, UP, DOWN, DOWN, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, B, A, START at the title screen should help a lot.
25. Smell a baby’s hair
Ask the baby’s parents first. One whiff of an infant’s hair should be enough to remind you of better things to come. The future is bright. This weekend may be tough, but The Pack will soon be back.