Vans Warped Tour rolled into Henry Maier Festival Park yesterday, and for the 20th year, it provided a place for teens dressed in ways that will embarrass them in 10 years to see bands no one over 25 has ever heard of. I never got to go to Warped Tour when I was a teen, so this was my first time going. I took my 14-year-old cousin Molly, who’s a grizzled vet; this was her second year, and last year she went in Orlando during a heatwave and it was over 100 degrees. She is about this life, as the kids say.
Instead of giving you a rote review about how I don’t know why kids like Atilla, or how I faced my own mortality seeing a 13-year-old drink a beer during a metalcore set, I took a notepad and wrote down the things Molly said instead. Here are the 15 best things she said throughout the day.
1. On Riff Raff: “He seems really conceited, like he only wants to talk about himself. But I bet if I was just hanging out with him, he’d be cool.”
2. On Warped Tour crowd: “I don’t even like hardly any of these bands. It’s just fun to look at how ridiculous everyone is.”
3. On Warped Tour crowd’s preferred nicotine deliverance system, 30 feet into festival grounds: “I am actually surprised I haven’t seen anyone vaping yet.”
4. On walking by the parents tent: “I feel so bad for any parent who has to be here. That probably sucks.”
5. On a merch booth’s $15 rickshaw hat: “That’s racist.”
6. On how every booth is made to appeal to teens, and meant to sell things to teens: “I don’t think about how they’re marketing to me directly. Because those people need to make money too. Who cares how they get their money? Exploit teens!”
7. On Bebe Rexha doing “Hey Mama”: “Oh, this is her? I had no idea this was her! Cool!”
8. On Bebe Rexhia’s post-“Hey Mama” speech about believing in yourself: “That was so deep, I can’t even see her anymore.”
9. On As It Is demanding everyone sing along with them: “I don’t know the words to this, so I can’t sing along. I can yell and act angry though!”
10. On Pierce The Veil’s lead singer, Vic Fuentes: “Oh! I know him! He has over a million followers on Instagram! He’s so hot!”
11. On Pierce The Veil, during their set: “The thing is is that I’m not even into bands like this anymore. I’m into like, indie bands. I’m into the band Mumford & Sons. I love Mumford & Sons.”
12. On Baby Baby, who we saw on accident walking by, and who were probably our favorite band the whole day: “This is my new favorite band. They’re hilarious!”
13. On Neck Deep, who were the loudest band we saw all day: “They were good, but they were so loud, I feel like I’m stuck underwater.”
14. On leaving Warped Tour: “Teenage girls nauseate me.”
15. On appearing in an article on Milwaukee Record: “Make sure you link to my Twitter. I bet I can get at least three new followers out of this.”