Twitter can be daunting. Literally every nanosecond of every day, somebody somewhere feels compelled to expend between one and 140 characters tweeting about something–anything–they want to express that particular instant. Whether it’s news from the frontlines of political upheaval that would otherwise go unreported or, more often, a picture of quiche with accompanying caption along the lines of “that brunch tho!” on the public forum, a subscription to a written archive of one’s most private thoughts, feelings, and experiences can be enacted by simply clicking a small rectangle labeled “Follow.” It’s pretty awesome. Not, like, “buy stock in it”-awesome, as investors have shown in droves, but the revolutionary technological tool has allowed humanity to be more connected than ever before.
Still, choosing what accounts to follow can be a quandary at times. With millions upon millions of accounts out there, tweeters need to be more discerning than ever with whom they follow–lest their timeline be cluttered with musings from a Hardware Hank-appointed social media guru or some shit. Even when localized, the market for prospective follows in Milwaukee remains quite crowded. With an aim of helping you do a little spring cleaning in your timeline, Milwaukee Record (@MilwaukeeRecord, by the way!) has some recommendations of Wisconsin-oriented accounts to unfollow.
@GumbysPub – Who could’ve predicted that a small Bay View bar erected with the theme of honoring a marginal Wisconsin-born Milwaukee Brewers infielder wouldn’t last long? Within nine months of drafting its first tweet (and scantly over a year after opening), the sometimes-Irish bar, sometimes-lounge, always-Jim Gantner gimmick bar’s account went silent. The account has been dormant since November 2011. Maybe the bar being sold to become Boone & Crockett has something to do with that. The 312 followers can feel safe jumping ship.
@EateryOnFarwell – Despite closing its doors in January and leaving East siders with one fewer option for average dining on a great patio this summer, @EateryOnFarwell still actively tweets. Usually in regard to the ex-Eatery owner’s plans to open a new restaurant in Muskego in the near future. That’s good and all, but we doubt many of the Eatery’s unexpectedly well-stocked collection of followers (2,024) will caravan out there to eat food from a restaurateur who couldn’t get people to a local location. And what are the odds the new place will also be on a street called Farwell?
@Industri_Cafe – This Second Street establishment aimed for high-end dining in a renovated industrial setting, with minor success. While an early cog in the Walker’s Point culinary transition, the restaurant is in its waning weeks. The 2,759 Industrials can either leave now, or risk saying “Who the fuck is Industri?” when someone with account access inevitably posts a link to a charity walk’s donation page in 2019.
@AlterraCoffee – In a move that conjures recollections of Netflix planning to rename its streaming service “Quickster” for a couple hours a few years back, Milwaukee coffee bean bastion Alterra rebranded itself as Colectivo last year with no warning. Unlike Quickster, the Colectivo rebranding was actually a very wise way of differentiating the locally-minded roaster from the Mars Drinks-owned prepackaged products Alterra (now Colectivo) produces. So, in short, DO follow Colectivo. Whether you remain among the 10,400-some Alterra followers is up to you.
@MillerParkHawk – On April 24, 2011, a hawk in Miller Park terrorized opposing outfielder Hunter Pence. Minutes later, @MillerParkHawk was hatched and, unless its most recent tweet (in late March) was its last, the account won’t die. Despite there being no more hawk sightings at the ballpark, 2,088 people seek updates from account based on something that happen in a meaningless game more than three years ago. Fawk off already.
@Not_Tony_Plush – Also in the fabled 2011 campaign, athletic weirdo Nyjer Morgan (aka Tony Plush) was a fan favorite in Brewers nation, so much so that an overtly-formal fake Plush persona still garners 5,120 followers two seasons after Milwaukee said “Gotta go!” to the actual Nyjer Morgan. For the record, an account devoted fake musings of an ex-Brewers platoon outfielder currently has more followers than Milwaukee Public Library. Not_Tony should go fly a kite.
@MD_Jennings – The Packers defensive back (an oxymoron last season) not only left Green Bay this winter, he pulled a reverse Julius Peppers and inked a deal with the Chicago Bears. So yeah, fuck this dude. Either jump off his 26.4 thousand person bandwagon OOOOORR, better yet, keep following him and tweet him to ask for medical advice until he blocks you. Listen to your heart on this one, cheeseheads.
@SaveOurBucks – With new owners all-but approved and a new arena likely to be partially funded by said owners and Herb Kohl, it appears the “Milwaukee” part will continue to precede “Bucks” for years and years to come. That “winning takes balls” billboard was pretty cool, but this impassioned group’s focus should now be realigned on other important things… like bringing a strip club with a Taco John’s inside of it to Milwaukee’s downtown–preferably near the new arena, if possible.
@JohnAxford – We get it, dude. You have a mustache. To a large, non-mouthbreathing faction of Milwaukee, the Ax-man will always hold the closer’s role in our hearts. But like Axford, who was traded to St. Louis last year before signing with Cleveland this winter, it’s time to move on. Next time your cursor is hovering on that red rectangle. take a deep breath, shed a tear and click it.
@VergeMKE – After an encouraging inaugural pre-Summerfest soiree with noted acts like Weezer and She & Him in 2010, Verge didn’t deliver on its numerous promises to return in 2011, and didn’t even bother to tell people the all-too brief Big Gig appetizer was done. This looks to be the fourth straight Verge-less spring, so all 760 of you still clinging to hope can probably unfollow.
@RedKnifeLottery – RKL actually played one of its last shows at Verge. It was great band that we still miss. Fortunately, the end of one band great turned into four good-to-great bands, as members now play in Whips, Hot Coffin, No Future, and (Chicago-based) Cut Teeth. How sparsely updated was the account? It’s bio has a MySpace link in it.
@JohnTheSavage – From one woefully under-appreciated Milwaukee band with 400-some followers to another, John The Savage called it quits in 2013. Its final tweet (for now?) was a link to download an album. Download that album, then unfollow immediately.
@BonIver – That plucky Justin Vernon is finally putting Wisconsin/cheese on the map in 2014, but the Twitter presence for the wunderkind’s most famous (and virtually abandoned) project has essentially devolved into a Bon Iver merch depot and alternate promotional platform for Bon Iver drummer S. Caray. Follow Volcano Choir instead.
@Anything regarding Scott Walker’s recall – We don’t give a shit where you stand politically, but if you still follow any of the various recall Walker accounts, you’re latching to a dream that will never come to fruition. It’s over. Follow @Cinnabon instead. Sometimes they’ll respond to you directly, which presents more real life change than following the ghost political account does.
@SaveTheTurf – Remember the campaign to save the Greenfield skatepark known as The Turf? Evidentially, whomever managed @SaveTheTurf doesn’t. The account hasn’t tweeted since 2010. We’re not sure whether The Turf was ever saved. Either it wasn’t and our follow is as significant as following a recall-related account, or it was and your follow never mattered.