There’s an old Onion article where a just-past-his-prime Marilyn Manson is going door-to-door in a small Kansas City suburb trying to shock people. Draped in sheep entrails, Manson arrives at the home of a mother preparing to drive her daughter to a Girl Scouts meeting. The woman reacts to Manson thusly:

“I tried to be nice and humor him a little. I said, ‘Yesiree, that sure is some shocking satanic imagery, no doubt about it. And that one eye with no color in the pupil, very disturbing. I’d sure like to suppress that.’ I mean, what do you say to Marilyn Manson?”

Milwaukee County Sheriff David A. Clarke, Jr. is the Onion’s version of Marilyn Manson: desperate to offend, eager to shock, exhausted. Last week, Clarke made news by comparing the Black Lives Matter movement to ISIS, denying the existence of police brutality, and calling African-Americans “lazy” and “morally bankrupt.” Far from shocking, it was just another in a long line of calculated, by-the-books trolls designed to bait Clarke’s enemies and appease his fans—all disguised as an “in-your-face” dose of “truth-telling” that was too “real” for those pussy PC “elites.” Yesiree, those sure were some shocking tweets, no doubt about it.

Anyway, because Clarke spends most of his time concerned with things that truly matter to Milwaukee County—Obama, Quentin Tarantino, the “liberal media”—there’s no shortage of sheep-entrails-esque statements coming from his dog-eared book of far-right-wing Mad Libs. In the interest of saving us all some time, Milwaukee Record signed out of Twitter (Clarke is notorious for blocking the media “elites”) and rounded up 10 “outrageous” Sheriff Clarke tweets—all from the past 72 hours.

1. Black “L-I-E-S” Matter! Are you offended yet?

2. Obama needs to be “crushed!” Eh?

3. Let’s see here…something about the government seeing us as “subjects.” Yeah! Get mad, America, please.

4. Too “red-hot” for the PC crowd! Do you see the pitchforks coming for me? Do you?

5. Those “media elites” at it again! And the biggest threat to America and Milwaukee County: Quentin Tarantino. Too hot to handle or whatever.

6. “One-percenter”? Check. “Limousine liberal”? Check. “Fake the funk”? Yeah.

7. You know what? Black lives “DON’T” matter! There, I said it! (Fuck. Why didn’t that get more RTs?)

8. Democrats are slave drivers! And Tarantino, too! Anyway, here’s a political cartoon from last year.

9. So tired. So alone. I read somewhere yesterday that the universe is expanding at 46 miles per second per megaparsec. God, is that really possible? Is it all just noise and commotion—strutting and fretting, that’s what Shakespeare said—surrounded by an ever-growing maw of nothingness? How can we even get up in the morning knowing that fact? But what are facts, really? Is anything knowable? And if all truths are knowable, then what about unknown truths? That’s Fitch’s paradox of knowability, isn’t it? Yeah, something like that. Oh, what does it matter? Even now, the cold grip of death, tightening…ever-tightening…

10. Welp, back to work.

About The Author

Matt Wild
Co-Founder and Editor

In his spare time, Matt Wild enjoys collecting 8-bit Nintendo games (emulation is for creeps) and fondly remembering the time Milwaukee weatherman Vince Condella caused a stir at his Catholic grade school by showing up with an earring. He lives on Milwaukee's East Side.