Dear MKE SEX

How do I get my boyfriend to understand that my brain is the organ to stimulate for mindblowing orgasms? My g-spot will take me so far, my clit a bit further, but for those earth shattering moments where the stars move and rainbows and unicorns pour forth from the heavens, my brain has got to be involved.

Help!
Almost There

Dear Almost There,

You are definitely not alone on this! For many people, sexual satisfaction mostly resides between their ears and not between their legs. As a matter of fact, whether folks are aware of it or not, all sexual response starts as a chemical reaction in the brain. According to research done in 2008, response starts working its intracranial magic in as little as 0.4 seconds after seeing someone or something that is desirable. And that’s just the beginning! The brain is deeply involved throughout sexual stimulation, orgasm and the sweet, glowing period immediately following sex. Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., has a lot of really great information about the role of the brain in attraction and desire.

If you read this column regularly (oh hell, if you’ve even read it once), you probably won’t be surprised when I say that getting your partner to understand your intelli-sexual needs is a matter of communication. Explain that a day spent swapping sexy thoughts (verbally, digitally, or in writing) will result in a deeper longing and a more satisfying encounter for you. Or maybe read him a piece of especially hot erotica (or ask him to read it to you!) so that he can witness the effect of the fantasy on you for himself.

If you’re longing for even more brain-play, consider plotting a whole scene with your boyfriend. “Scene” is a term most commonly used in the BDSM community. It’s a pre-planned set of activities (in this case, sexy activities), where you both get to discuss what you want and don’t want to happen. Together, you plot the general trajectory of the encounter, as well as any specific things that feel crucial for either or both of you. Then, you let the scene play out according to your plans, and discuss it later to see how it felt to really do the things you dreamed about. (It’s important to note that even with a well planned scene, things can change. Stay as true to your plans as you can while still recognizing your partner’s needs and deviating from course whenever it’s appropriate.)

Many non-kinky people shy away from clearly articulating sexual desires in this way. We have a cultural notion that truly meaningful, satisfying sex happens spontaneously with both partners magically knowing what the other wants, perfectly delivering it, and flawlessly dismounting from the encounter. But ask any seasoned kinkster and they’ll tell you that the best experiences were thoroughly negotiated ahead of time so that all parties could get their needs met and fantasies realized.

Curious about cunnilingus? Anxious about anal? Do you have questions about queefs or problems with your prostate? Lucky Tomaszek is the education coordinator at The Tool Shed: An Erotic Boutique, Milwaukee’s only mission-driven, education-focused sex toy store. Send her a question at mkesex@gmail.com and she’ll get back to you with an answer.

About The Author

Lucky Tomaszek
Contributor

Lucky Tomaszek is the education coordinator at The Tool Shed: An Erotic Boutique, Milwaukee's only mission-driven, education-focused sex toy store. Most mornings you can find her balancing her cat and her keyboard in her lap, working to make the world a smarter, safer place for people of all genders and orientations.