Dear MKE SEX,

Is it safe to use common food items (like long fruits or veggies) for sex? What about using things like honey, chocolate sauce, or caramel as a lube? Asking for a friend. J/K. Asking for myself cause I always wondered!

Thanks!
Foodie

Dear Foodie,

Your question comes just in time for the holiday weekend. Hopefully this will help you figure out what to do with the pesky barbecue leftovers!

While cucumbers have been the butt (ha ha!) of many a dirty joke, the reality is that people have been having sex with them for millennia. Fruits and vegetables like cucumbers, zucchini, bananas, carrots, and the like are clearly the right size and shape to penetrate a willing vagina. If you leave the skin/peel intact, there’s actually nothing wrong with it. We encourage you to buy organic when you can, clean the surface of the produce in question, and use condoms if you’re ever in doubt about origins or hygiene. (Note: none of these things would be safe to use for anal penetration because they don’t have a wide base to prevent them from going all the way inside the butt.)

Similarly, it’s generally considered safe to put your penis into food items like pies and cakes (make sure they’re fully cooled), doughnuts, melons (cut a hole first), citrus fruits, and the like. Use some common sense and pick foods that aren’t too crunchy, salty, or acidic.

Despite the fact that it’s okay to fap with fruit, you’ll want to stay away from using liquid foods as lube. Honey, chocolate, caramel, whipped cream, ice cream toppings, etc, all have a ton of sugar in them which can for sure contribute to yeast infections, bacterial vaginosis, and other nasty infections. These things can be super fun to play with, but do it safely! If you enjoy tasting those flavors on your lover’s body, keep it away from the slippery bits. If you really want your partner’s package to taste super sweet, flavored lube is a great option.

Finally, if the thought of food gets you hotter than the sex act, you might be into sploshing. Generally with sploshing, one partner covers the other in a variety of foods with different consistencies, textures, and tastes. The eroticism is in the food more than in any particular sex act. Sploshing is one of kind of WAM (wet and messy) play, and lives up to its name. Fortunately, some always-helpful kinky folks have considered your clean-up needs. There are now a few different mess-proof items on the market, like the Fascinator throw by Liberator, some fancy black sheets, and this handy inflatable wrestling ring by Doc Johnson.

Curious about cunnilingus? Anxious about anal? Do you have questions about queefs or problems with your prostate? Lucky Tomaszek is the education coordinator at The Tool Shed: An Erotic Boutique, Milwaukee’s only mission-driven, education-focused sex toy store. Send her a question at mkesex@gmail.com and she’ll get back to you with an answer.