Dear MKE SEX,

Real talk: If a dude likes to get off with something up his butt, he probably really wants to be having sex with another dude, right?

Asking For A Friend

Dear “Friend,”

I like to think of the butt as the great equalizer of sex. Everyone, regardless of gender or biological sex, has one. The delicate tissue of the anus is extremely nerve-dense, and many people enjoy sensual and sexual touch on the outside and the inside. With enough lubrication, an open mind, and lots of honest communication, many “dudes” find that anal stimulation ranges from pleasant to downright mind-blowing. (Of course, there’s nothing that works for everyone, and your experience may differ widely. [#notallanuses])

Additionally, for people who have penises, the anus is the gateway to that intense pleasure center, the prostate. While it’s possible to stimulate the prostate externally (by putting pressure on the perineum, a.k.a. the taint), it’s far more effective to directly stimulate it with something narrow (like a finger or toy) inserted into the anus. The prostate is about the size and shape of a walnut, and swells when it’s stimulated. People who are familiar with prostate play liken to having “an angel help you blow your load.” One Redditor says, “It transcends the shaft and spills throughout your balls and pelvic region and inner thighs, almost paralyzing you from the waist down,” and another says, “Imagine the best thing ever. Then add ice cream with sprinkles and little fudge bits and caramel and…umm…puppies. It’s like that. But better.”

There are some basic safety things to keep in mind if you’re going to try a little what-what-in-the-butt. Many folks start with just a finger. This is great, and allows a lot of control over depth, pressure, and speed. Before slipping inside, make sure your fingernail is trimmed and clean, and use a generous dollop of lube. If someone else is doing the penetrating, ask them to put on a glove to protect you both and make clean-up much easier.

If you decide you’d like to use something other than a finger (like a plug, dildo, or set of anal beads), you’ll want something with a flared base on it. This prevents it from getting lost inside your body. Doesn’t happen all that often, but it is something we like to avoid if possible, yes? When selecting a toy, be sure to pick something that’s made from a body safe material like silicone, solid tempered glass, or stainless steel. Additionally, cleanliness may not be next to godliness, but it will help prevent infections. Clean your hands or toys regularly in whatever manner is best for the material of the object being cleaned.

Finally, after re-reading your question, it seems that you’re really asking about sexual orientation. The long answer is that orientation is determined by something that we’ve not yet discovered, and has nothing to do with where we like to receive pleasure, but far more about who we like to receive pleasure from. The short answer is that it is actually no one else’s business. A person of any gender or orientation might like to indulge in butt play occasionally or regularly. This is no indication of heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality, or anything else. It simply means they like butt play. The only person who can determine someone’s sexual orientation is the individual.

Back in the early aughts, Dan Savage coined the term “pegging.” And thank God he did. Just by having a name for the act, our culture suddenly felt like it had received permission to do a thing that had almost always been seen as completely taboo before. Pegging is the act of intercourse where a woman penetrates the anus of a man, usually with a strap-on dildo. Despite the cis and hetero overtones of the definition, receiving anal penetration is something many folks really love, regardless of gender or orientation. And even before Savage started using the word, this was an activity that plenty of straight dudes were participating in on a regular basis.

Curious about cunnilingus? Anxious about anal? Do you have questions about queefs or problems with your prostate? Lucky Tomaszek is the education coordinator at The Tool Shed: An Erotic Boutique, Milwaukee’s only mission-driven, education-focused sex toy store. Send her an email at mkesex@gmail.com and she’ll get back to you with an answer.