Here at Milwaukee Record, we employ a sentient machine known as the Great Job, Milwaukee Bot to keep track of the city’s many appearances on dopey online lists, as well as any time a national publication deigns to acknowledges our pathetic Midwest existence. To this point, the infernal machine brought us news that Rolling Stone liked Summerfest, and that The New York Times thought Milwaukee was a “cursed sports city”, and Travel + Leisure thinks we’re ugly as fuck. Today, it reports that Milwaukee is a great place for Fourth of July celebrations. Apparently, it’s the eighth best for them. Sound familiar? It should. This literally happened last year, too.
According to personal finance site WalletHub, Milwaukee, once again, ranks number eight out of the 100 largest cities in America when it comes to celebrating the Fourth. The site pitted cities against each other using “18 key data metrics” that were fed into rankings for: Fourth of July celebrations (Milwaukee came in 3rd), affordability (59th), attractions & activities (31st), and safety & accessibility (47th).
Last year’s top finisher, Seattle, moved all the way down to the 10 slot, leaving room for Atlanta at the top of this seemingly arbitrary list this time around. Newark, New Jersey comes in dead last. Maybe its beaches being closed (to most people, at least) had something to do with that. For the record, Madison ranks 6th, despite not being in the top 10 in any single category. Even so, number eight isn’t too shabby, Milwaukee—especially when taking into account that none of this matters whatsoever.
In your face, all but seven other U.S. cities! Happy Fourth, Milwaukee.